"I sure hope my ship comes in before my dock rots!"

"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."

2011-01-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

I sense a trend in my blogging habits. A trend as in, there are no habits. And you know what? I'm not even sorry. I do...THINGS with my life now. That's a lie. I really don't. Truth be told, I live in a cave. Barely have running water. No cable, no internet. I'm going old school and hitting up the public library for all my internet needs. But I shall start off with the most recent shenanigans from the Beauty School Senior (suffering from a severe case of senioritis)

Blondes Don't have more fun. Proved it.

Afro Pouf. Check.

Tyra, eat your heart out. And take that Rosemary's baby and shove it down your throat, because when you make girls cut their hair like this, they look like homeless street urchens.

I forgot how much fun blondes had, so I decided to take that car for a spin again.

Now these aren't super current, maybe like a month old, so it's grown out considerably. Considerably enough for me to be rocking a mullet. Because you haven't lived until you party in the back, and business in the front. I'm currently looking for my next big thing. Potentially open to suggestions. Awesome ones only.

"How do I look?" "Like a Beautiful Blonde Pineapple!!"

2010-05-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've realized that most people think that I have literally fallen off the face of the earth. It is not so, and I'm sure you are relieved-me too for that matter. While going blog-silent for the last couple months, I have embarked on a new adventure. One that will undoubtedly bring many laughs for future blog posts. My new adventure is beauty school. So I am here in Rexburg, and about 2 months in, and so far it's not too shabby! I have thus far been desensitized to feet-thanks to pedicures, because flats are for quitters I am definitely one, since I more or less am required to see myself in the mirror for 8 hours every day, I avoid mirrors outside of school at all costs, and am developing calluses from teasing Miss Kim's hair every day! Here's the lowdown. I go to school with 50 girls every day, one the token gay. Who hates me to my back, loves me to my face, and like an attention starved child gets ignored to keep him in line. Apparently he doesn't like other people to know more about pop culture, fashion, and music than he. Everything I know about pop culture and music I owe to my wise pop culture friends in Moses Lake!!! Thanks for culturing me for this very moment in my life. Sorry Mr. Queen, but there is only room for one diva at school, and there are 49 other girls fighting for the coveted title. So watch out, or you're about to get your fancy striped suspenders snapped right into last place!

At first I was really intimidated by beauty school, but then I thought, ok I've seen Tabatha's Salon Takeover, and if these morons can get through beauty school and someone signed their professional license, then hell if I can't do it too! And after a few weeks of school, I kind of have a knack for it.

A very smart cousin (Sonja), after I mentioned that I was going to hair school and was growing my hair out, told me once that when I start hair school, to just wait and watch my hair get shorter, and shorter, and shorter. Oh how naive I was!!!

The Metamorphosis

The Beginning

Week #1 of school, I made a blueprint of what I would like to do to my hair-with the hopes that it won't melt off of course. Week #2 Perm. Yea. I said it. Perm. That happened.

Week #3 Highlights because my teacher was annoyed with the grow out of my previous ones. And Sonja, just so you know, he was very impressed with your work. Well done!

Week #5 Snippy Snip Snip. Cut it all off.

To Be Continued...

The Rest of these pictures are just some fun stuff we've done in class and us playing around.

This was after I brushed my hair out to do scalp treatments on eachother, they said I looked like a troll doll!

This was manicure day!

And this is an updo that I did on Miss Kimmie, which turned out quite well!

Enjoy!

And That's The Gospel Truth.

2010-03-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

One Word: Slater. Not A.C. Not Kelly. But my Slater of the sweet sweet Christian persuasion. As many of you know, and as I have probably blogged about before, I love me some Christian Slater. Usually I'm not a fan of the hair helmet, but Christian has the bone structure and forehead for it, besides who doesn't want to be the one to blame for mussing up those perfect tresses? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

But I digress. Recently a good friend of mine, has been called to teach Sunday School. Normally it would be cause for severe dread, and an excess of skipping out early from my ecclesiastical duties, mainly because we all know, that when friends become important with responsibilities, then you become fodder for their hoity toity cannons. So naturally I was afraid I'd get called on to read or give pence to the discussion. However scared I was to go to class, I pulled together and went. Back row of course. Said friend began his lesson, and about halfway through the lesson as I sat contemplating my soon impending doom and demise, I was comforted by one thing, and one thing only. The mention of Christian Slater. Instantly my ears began buzzing, my blood percolating, and my eyes dilating while visions of Christian Slater danced in my head. Pump Up the Volume as Happy Harry Hardon, Interview with the Vampire, Bed of Roses, and Robin Hood. Robin Hood, say what? Yes I did. And so did Clinton, the teacher. Dead set on publicly mortifying me (I believe), he brought up Christian Slater's character from Robin Hood, the mysterious Will Scarlett.

Clinton knows of my affection. And although I applaud Clinton's candor about my very much private feelings to the class, I frankly, was elated at the mention of Mr. Slater!! He was talking about the birthright, and posed the question why Robin Hood was the chosen son instead of Will Scarlett. Twas a good thing the query wasn't extended my way, for I all I would have-could have-answered was, "I do love me some Christian Slater!" So now, it is Clinton's challenge and duty, to somehow tie the gospel to something Christian, pun intended. You know what they say, "something old, something blue, something Christian, something true!!"

P.S. For those allegations that he beat up that hooker...be them as they may, I don't care. Did anyone ever think she might have deserved it? Gotta keep the pimp hand strong, right? Just what is it about this 'bad boy' that keeps my other thoughts in such great company? Is it the ‘eyebrow’ thing? Most definitely. It’s the suggestion, the hint and the intrigue of a thousand possibilities.

18 Comments and Counting...

2010-03-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I go through rather drastic creative spurts. Here and there. Now and Then. Sometimes (every day) the pessimist gets the best of me when nobody comments on my true life happenings. Much to my chagrin, I'm vain-shocker, I know. I pride myself on...well...me. And unlike those other uncultured artists who try harder when they get no accolades, I find that my pride is directly correlated to the amount of comments I get. I'm not asking for comments. Just a little reassurance that people actually think of me. Whether positive or negative. Perhaps nobody believes them and they say to themselves: "What a tangled web of lies this psycho weaves. " Or maybe, "This girl is a liar face to the max, and I refuse to comment on her falsities." Or the occasional, "I am so many shades of offended right now! SHUN!" Am I a liar? Of course. A rather good one I must say. Is my life a big huge fallacy? One worthy of a True Life episode on the tele. A day isn't complete without the inaugural planting of a colorful liars tree, with many swirly twirly branches, and blossoms of white...lies that is. But, be that as it may. I retreat into my mental pit of despair-complete with Albino henchman-when comments on my precious babies are lacking. But alas, sun through the clouds! My perma-tantrum has been alleviated!!! Thanks to a certain person named "Anonymous". Yes. That's their name. They commented SO much on my last blog, that I needn't worry ever again that nobody cares!!! Because you my friend care way too much about my happiness. And I thank you for the website links about male enhancement. They shall be dually noted for a future husby. How did you know that my sex life is unsatisfying? You sneak! You wily sorcerer!! You know what this woman wants. I shall wear thy comments as medals around my neck. Battle scars if you will. Momma always said be careful what you wish for! However, I'm not so sure I regret it ;)

P.S.

My Dearest Anonymous,

I very much enjoyed your take on different varieties of hookah I might like. I would greatly appreciate further comments with other "helpful" products. Maybe you can find in your secret marketplace a pill that you can put in water to grow a hot boyfriend that is mute, and has kisses like white hot fire. Thanks again for your tips. I look forward to more correspondence from you.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Gwen The Vain

For 21 years, I've been living a lie.

2009-11-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

Over these last few weeks, I've been bombarded with crazy. Whether it be the testimony of the kidnapped and tortured, or whether it be the once again love of me by a weirdo-WHO HAS A GLASS EYE-that goes unrequited. But believe it or not. It gets better. I try to mind my business in the singles ward. I have a routine. I sit by the same person every Sunday. I talk to the same people every Sunday. I waste time and dilly dally all the way to Sunday School so my ADD self doesn't have to sit through the entire borefest every Sunday. I have the same internal stuggle every Sunday whether or not to suffer through Releif Society-with that one there I know I'm not alone. I get disgusted by the same people-yet they switch it up on be and disgust me in different ways, but it all has the same typical outcome=disgust and continued ignoring.

However, these last couple Sunday's have thrown me off my "routine" game. My attempt to dilly dally was sabotaged by my "new" visiting teaching companion. Who-despite being in the SAME WARD with her since I graduated high school-i.e. 4 years ago, and also despite introducing myself to her 4 times at her request-DOES NOT KNOW ME. I mean I'm kind of important. I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily a "big deal" (yet), but people know me! I did Saturday Activity announcements for 6+ months! I semi-regularly attend institute, and usually they re-introduce everyone every week. How can this be??? Am I not remember-able???

I think I have found the reason. I, Gwendolyn B. Stoker. Am not Gwendolyn B. Stoker. My name apparently is Kimberly. Name change? No. Switched at birth? Probably. Twice I have corrected people for calling me the wrong name. Usually it's Kimberly. My family always said I was adopted and looked like the milk man...Mr. Milkman do you by chance have a daughter named Kimberly?

Old McDonald had a Dog; E-I-E-I-O

2009-10-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, Momma Stoker was given an ultimatum-she doesn't like dogs-Either we get a dog, or she goes. That dogs name was Beazer. Much to Mom's dismay, but to us kids' chagrin. 15 thoroughly enjoyed years later, Beazer is paddling around the chocolate river in heaven, complete with chocolate Costco muffin clouds and chocolate covered macadamia nut tasties. Beazer, not one to ever turn down a chocolate anything, was always the footwarmer, the food moocher, and the vegetable vaccuum. We always thought that the chocolate would get him first, but he MythBusted that urban legend. Beazer was right there with me, when I was an aspiring sled dog teamster. I on my roller blades, and Beazer, my sled team, mushed his-and my-way up and down the driveway. The only Schnauzer I think that knew the word mush and knew how to open up a backpack to get to the yummy delights inside zippered lunch boxes, and could drink out of a straw.

Beazer was the best toy Kalvin and I ever had. The best friend LauriAnn ever had. The best foot warmer Mindi and Bryce ever had. And the best bed hog Mom and Dad ever had.

Beazer will be missed, just like all my M.I.A. chocolate muffins.

Where Are They Now: Stoker Edition Part 1

2009-09-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

We at the Stoker house-hole have been hard at work cleaning out the garage. Let me tell you, I found some gem pictures and decided to give my audience a walk through the Stoker Hall of Then and Now. And some of you haven't seen most of us since we were "yay" high, I threw a couple complementary old school photos along with an updated one-just so you can associate the Old School mind blowers with the New School goodies. I'm not going to explain the pictures, because I think they alone speak thousands of words. Enjoy!

We will start out with the oldest: Mindi

Next up: Bryce

Middle Child: LauriAnn

And Second to awesome: Kalvin

And now, a special extended bonus: Me. The good, the bad, and the glasses.

I don't know if you can tell, the picture is pretty bad, but that is baby me, on a cabbage patch doll pony.

Just give me a flipper and sign me up for Toddlers and Tiaras please!!!

So apparently I had a "thing" for ole Mickey Mouse. And I wore it on my sleeve!! Or on my glasses...that my friends was yet another "Gwen" schtick, a mini mickey mouse window cling on my glasses. I was AWESOME.

Those bangs. That hair. Those glasses. And that killer sweater. I could never go wrong with those!

Yep. Those ARE shortalls. I had almost every color.

Mickey Superfan

I always said that a bow and big bangs was my schtick. Here's proof.

All my single ladies:

All in all, after my observations, I think it wouldn't be too far from the truth to deduce that we have not change one bit!!

Bananarama

2009-08-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've been watching a little Arrested Development tonight, and upon seeing part of the Bluth family business-The Banana Stand-I really want a frozen banana. The only place I know I can readily get one, is at Spring Fest. I even Googled for locations in the Salt Lake Area that sells chocolate frozen bananas. But to no avail. All I got was a recipe. Call me lazy, but I didn't Google "frozen banana" to learn how to make on-I think I get the gist of how to make them, but you always have to take into account the time it would take to go BACK to the grocery store, and the freezer time. Too long I say!! Give me frozen banana or give me death!!!

Let's Make like an air freshener and get Oust a here!

2009-07-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Ahh... Monsieur Decisions. We meet again. What shall it be this time? Stay at crappy job-albeit well paying jobby job? Or put on my purple plastic rimmed glasses and go back to school and again drown myself in a sea of textbooks?

Oh School...you win! You always do.

You know what they always say, when the goin gets tough, Gwen goes back to school. So fellow Basin-ites, I shall being seeing you faster than you can ask why! (Actually no, not that fast.)
And for the record: Call Center for Customer Service is not my forte. Just for future reference.

Tis The Season...

2009-07-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

Wedding Season. Yes. Swimsuit. Unfortunately Yes. But also apparently it is Hurricane Season in the SLC.

This morning, thanks to my GENIUS idea, I decided that my cousin and I take her kidlet to the local "waterpark", as they are tenderly referred to down here-no they don't have Aquatic Centers as I have become accustomed.

So it was quite toasty all morning, with a hint of overcast. They had slides! Talk about the cats meow! I just had to have me some! So naturally I went down it like 4 times. Each time more drown than the last.

After we got done swimming, I decided to head home for a quick rinse, then head back over to Mickey Mick's house for some SYTYCD results. After I get home and have tasty treat, it starts to rain+thunder+lightning. I do love me some stormy weather. I'm home for maybe 20 minutes, throw some laundry in, get ready to hit the showers, and boom+crack+boom=lights out on poor Gwenny. That's right. My power supply decided to hit the showers at the exact same time. Who would have known!! I'm not totally sure as to how long the power was out, ( I decided that if the power was going to be on sebatical then so was I, back to Mickey Mick's house). Off I went in full sweat pant garb-you know-gloomy weather clothes that give a little back when you've eaten a little-or a lot-too much. And I'm a quarter of the way there, and I promise you this, my windshield wipers were working hard. Got every penny's worth out of those suckers today. They haven't seen that much rain since...they were fabricated. Ever been through a drive through car wash? Or sat in the car while someone hosed it down at a manual car wash? That's exactly what driving through the rain today was like-times 3!!!

All in all twas a good day. I got some sun, and my car got washed, and I even got some SYTYCD in. Can't deny I wasn't the tiniest bit productive.

Chht...Earth to Mars...Chht

2009-06-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

Aloha Kids!!! I just want to throw out there a quick apology for the non-bloggedness, I have been a LITTLE pre-occupied. With the whole moving business-which by the way-zero degrees of awesome. Mental note for all you future movers and shakers out there: HIRE A FREAKING MOVING COMPANY!!!!! I don't get paid to bust mine and hoof boxes up and down 3 flights of stairs, just to leave my room full of boxes for 2 weeks...I should definately get paid for that.

Also, I have been watchin some shows!!! As most of you people know, So You Think You Can Dance has recently started up again, I'm super excited as most of you know. Also, my new roommate has 3 seasons of Veronica Mars-which has more ups and downs than a bipolar woman. It's such a pillow wrencher-you know, one of those shows that keeps you on the edge of your seat grasping a throw pillow. Veronica has kissed more guys in 5 episodes than I have in my whole dating experience! Not that I'm complaining, and oooh I am watching it right now and she just switched boyfriends!!!! If only real life had that sort of luxury :) Is it weird that I am living out my romantic life through Veronica Mars? Probably. Do I know that? Yes. Am I gonna change? Not a chance, not until they start making TV shows about my life. Trust me. The drama. Is. Worth. It.

The Anatomy of a Sneeze

2009-05-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Whenever I think of sneezes, and blessing people after they sneeze, I am always taken back to Dane Cook's comedy bit about when the guy next to him sneezes on him. Naturally Dane says, "God Bless You." So the Sneezer says, "Actually, I'm Athiest." They then begins to debate about religion, and reincarnation specifically and how the Athiest wants to come back to Earth as a tree. Dane then says, "I hope one day you're in the wilderness, some huge sweaty Lumberjack comes along and hacks you down, throws a chain around and you get drug throught the mud and the muck, tossed into some sawmill where they chop up into tons of little pieces, ground into pieces of paper, and then I hope they print the Bible on you."

Now let's bring this full circlelately at work I've been what I like to call "on the phones" taking "calls". Today I took a call, and this lady sneezed into the phone, usually I ignore things like that because they distract me from my job, anyway the Lady immediately said and I quote, "Bless Me." Wow...isn't that my job to "bless you"? By doing that, she put me on the expressway-the HOV lane if you will-to my job being done for me. Thank you ma'am for being a valued customer and making my job that much easier. No, YOU have a good day now-I insist.

I'm a little Verklempt...a chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea-discuss amongst yourselves...

2009-05-12T18:02:00.001-07:00

Sooo....I have some good news!!!!! It's a boy!!!!!! kidding kidding...but it was funny, no? I mean considering I haven't blogged for some time, and most people who read this, haven't seen me in a few months, so for all you readers know, I got knocked up and moved to Utah. But no, that's not the case.

I do have good news though! I am officially graduating from training at work tomorrow!!!! I'm so happy I could cry!!!!! I don't even think I was this excited to graduate from High School!!! How sad is that?!?! I was there for 12 years longer! But as a special "Thank You", my trainers are throwing me a pizza party! I say me, because I'm pretty sure I am almost the only one with perfect attendance. Impressed? Take a number!! Cuz I am too!!! But starting Thursday I get to half-way officially start my job. I start "on the job training", which is better than regular training, but not as monotonous as my real job. So it has its perks.

Second motion of business, did anyone watch SNL last weekend? SO FUNNY! I mean Justin Timberlake is funny, but last weekends show was just INSANE! This is my favorite-favorite appropriate-sketch from last weekend enjoy!! Sorry it's so small!!! Somebody at Hulu is gonna get fired over that, and I mean this!!

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Mooooo-ve it!

2009-04-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

So I got a text from my sister this week with a picture of our new cow, asking me to name it. After a little thought and hesitation I threw out some names: Moo Jackman, Dwight Moo-te, Jim Cowpert, Darth Utter, and Slim Jim-because it's ironic-thus funny. Obviously my family wasn't-as excited as I was at these new-cow-names. You want to have a say and maybe a steak when he goes bye bye? Then leave me a ditty in the comments for your name ideas because I'm fresh out. The last one was Moo Heafer-like Hugh Heafner heh heh.

Next order of business. I don't know how many of you know this...but moving SUCKS! Moving in sucks, moving out sucks, heck even looking for a house sucks!!! I live in a 3 story walk up-it's nice, I would even hinge out to say that it is rather quite nice if I do say so myself, and moving in was harder than getting into college. I've never hated a TV or comfy couch before in my entire life, or even boxes of food, than when I had to hoof them up those 3 flights of stairs. Out of shape I may be, but that's just torture!!! Everyday is a dread when you have to go get the mail, because no matter how used to "the thin air" you are (that's what I blame being out of breath on), you are never quite the same when you walk back up. Makes me feel like I'm so big I won't fit through my doorway when I FINALLY huff and puff my plump little tush up those stairs!! But don't you worry, I feel a WHOLE lot better when I get in the door and stuff my face with as many cookies as possible. My current P.R. (personal record) is 7 of those Elf cookies. They're definately good motivation to actually go back upstairs.

Right now I'm looking for a place around Salt Lake, and lemme tell ya, the only things I see are dumps! I could live in the junk out on Broadway and be classier than these. And top 4 things I wish I knew before I moved:

1: take only what you need to survive. No, you don't need every curling iron you've ever owned...or your industrial strength blowdrier-I had to throw that in.

2: which floor I live on

3: how heavy is my junk

4: how many roommates can I make carry it in for me.

True Life: The Office

2009-04-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

As many of you might not know, I am now currently employed. Yay me! It sucks right now because I'm in training for the next 18 weeks...awesome. NOT. But as entertainment for my everyday, I have figured out that everyone always says that the place they work in is just like The Office. There's always a Jim, a Pam-not necessarily together, a Creed, an Andy, an Angela, and a Toby. I am no exception. I have taken note that I currently have: a Jim, a Meredith, a Phyllis, an Andy, a Stanley, an Angela, and a temp (Ryan).

I sit by Angela. She is the Queen of oversharing...and awkward nose blows in my ear ewe.

My Stanley is quite a bit more upbeat, but he talks the same way...and still loves pretzels.

My Meredith...well she is just as negative, and just as much a redhead...without the booze and the flashing and inappropriate-ness...that I know of.

My Andy, I actually like him. He always volunteers. Go you and Go Cornell.

Oh my Phyllis. My sweet sweet Phyllis. I actually don't know her name, she isn't in my training class, but I always see her on break when I come back from lunch a-knitting-away on some pot holder lookin things. She's a winner...and she got a winner. Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.

I am on the fence about my Jim...I don't really interact much with him...but he's funny. And he laughs at my jokes. I guess what's not to like!!!
I couldn't decide if I was Kelly or Jan. Kelly is way more annoying than I, so I went with Jan because she's hotter. Everyone wants to be the hot one at the office right? Well, hot one quit, so I mean I GUESS I could take up that office for her, I mean twist my arm...

I saved my favorite for last. I also sit next to Professor Norton Nimnul from The Rescue Rangers for those of you aged enough to have enjoyed this specimen. He looks just like him...but with more hair and more of a full beard goin on. He keeps me entertained during long boring days. I had a conversation with him today about Harry Carey on SNL, I about fell off my chair when Professor Nimnul asked me if I were a hot dog, if I'de eat myself. Oh the joys of My Office.

P.S. I have an Oscar too, but I'm almost positive he's not gay. Like 89%.

The Hollyward

2009-03-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

What's church like in Utah? Well it's pretty fantastic. Full of celebrities. Impossible? NOT EVEN! These crazy things happen, and my friends lucky for you and your entertainment, these things happen to me.

My first week in my ward, I noticed a couple boys in particular looked strangely familiar to me...after a few minutes I knew why. They were celebrities. Or...their stunt doubles at least. First off we have Ethan Embry. Some of you know him as Reese Witherspoon's gay friend Bobby Ray in Sweet Home Alabama, some as the desperate boy Preston (Prestone) from Can't Hardly Wait. (See also: White Squall and Can't Hardly Wait)

This is his stunt double. Looks quite like him no?

Next-and the best match in my opinion-is Keanu Reeves. Some of you know him as Neo in The Matrix trilogy. Some others as Officer Jack Traven in Speed, but I know and love him as Ted Logan, best friend to Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and as Special Agent Johnny Utah opposite Patrick Swazye in Point Break.

Here is the example from my ward. Pretty close, no?

There are a couple more of celebrity look-a-likes in my ward, but alas...we aren't friends on facebook so I don't have access to any of their pictures, bummer. But I will tell you who they look like!!! One girl, looks like she could be Adele's sister-twin even!. We also have an Andy Samberg. Same kind of features, he's my favorite ;).

Just because you Move, Doesn't Mean the Scenery Changes.

2009-02-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you know this, but Utah is a bit different than Washington. The driver's for instance think they are Miley Cyrus and have the best of both lanes. I submit that that is not true. I own that other lane and I charge rent thanks.

As radically different those two states are, the singles wards are basically the same. I'm not talking they have the same gospel principles or that they do things the same everywhere you go, I'm talking they all have their share of crazies. Maybe I'm just the common denominator and crazies will follow me wherever I go, or I just notice it more often than most. I'm sure that most of you have sat around a campfire or been joined with me in the bonds of a holy cuddlefest and shared the glorious stories of our testimony meeting experiences. But I have a doozy to share with you-my audience.

Once upon a time, a girl got up to bear her testimony. She proceeds to say that what if the church isn't true? What if all we are taught is a lie? (about this time I am thinking that she is going to be burning in hell come tomorrow) then she's flip flops by saying that it doesn't matter if it's true or not because of the feelings that it gives you. (this time I'm thinking...uh yes, that means it's true because that'd be the Holy Ghost telling you it's true you nutbag) Then she goes on to say that it's true what they say in that Country song "There's gotta be somethin More" by Sugarland, then she proceeds to sing it. Yep. She did it. She soloed during a testimony meeting. Soloed a Country ditty no less!!!!!!!! I immediately put my head down and started to giggle. Meredith looked around and NOBODY else was laughing or even cracked a smile. So either we are extremely inappropriate and rude, or this is a regular occurance. I would really like the latter to be the truth, but who knows. At least she had a decent voice or it would have been even more painful to bear!! The sad thing was, we had no idea or even suspected that she was nuts! I guess it's true: Don't judge a book by it's cover because it might try to eat you like that one carnivorous book from the Pagemaster-the lesser known Macaulay Culkin movie.

Lie to Me Like you Love me!

2009-02-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

Being jobless makes me feel...inadecquate, boring, and lazy. But not for lack of trying. I have been to a few interviews...with nothing to show...yet. But that doesn't stop me from sweating like a hooker in a confessional all the way there and during the interview. Nerves are like jimmies on store bought cookies. You hate 'em but you don't have any choice otherwise because you really want that cookie.

Interviewing is torture. You have to sell yourself, pretending to be something you're not so that you can get a job you don't want so you can get money you do want to pay bills you don't want to pay. It's an ugly vicious cycle. I am no show dog, and during the interviewing process I feel like a mutt amongst the pure-breds. I can never jump high enough, run fast enough, have a coat silky enough, have nice enough teeth to be the Best in Show (I have been watching the Dog Shows along with Lifetime). The questions they ask I swear are configured to make me look a bumbling fool. The clincher: Tell me about yourself. All I want to say is "Me scared. Just wet my pants. I want mommy." Sad to say, that's not exactly the answer they were looking for. Too oft have I gotten the email that says we have narrowed the candidates and you are not among them. A.K.A. You suck as a person and will fail at everything you attempt. It makes me feel like sunshine dust every time I read those.

Someone wise once told me the best thing to do in an interview is to lie. I quite a skilled liar. But there are some character qualities that I'm PRETTY sure they will know you don't posses after a while. I can lie my way out of who ate the last Twix, who used the last of the milk, who broke that? Do you want to know who it always is? It was the Show Dog, in the bathroom, with the floss that's who.

Like Batman and Robin

2009-02-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to be a holi-hater, but as of late, I see Holidays more of what they are to us consumers: money leeches. And boy am I a sucker for them!!!! I have a friend in the M.T.C., and I send him stuff for holidays and what not. When I go shopping and looking for stuff to send him, something comes over me it's like...like a disease. I want EVERYTHING!! I see a roll of bubble gum tape-I just HAVE to have it! Touche Market Research people. You pegged me this time...

To pass the time this Valentine's Day I plan on doing any combination of the following activities: send myself flowers, send myself chocolates, eat said chocolates, make cookies for a special someone, eat cookie dough for said cookies before they make it to the oven, cuddling up in a blanket with ice cream to watch Lifetime Lover's Lane-hopefully it will be Love Gone RIGHT weekend. I'm gonna have one heck of a chocolate hangover!! All with the trusty Meredith at my side. Like Tonto and the Lone Ranger. Thelma and Louise. Laverne and Shirley. Beavis and Butthead. Bert and Ernie-minus the gay undertones. Pinky and The Brain. Dr. Spock and Captain Kirk. Shaggy and Scooby. Who's who? That's up to you...I'll take any of them.

Real Chance at Love for a Lifetime

2009-01-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

Since all I have to do is go to job interviews every few days, I watch a lot of T.V. When I say a lot, I mean I have developed a personal, first name basis with my big screen. Sonny the Sony and I have a pretty unhealthy relationship compared to the social norms. As unhealthy as it may be...it's not as unhealthy as the reltionships on Tool Academy. One of my shows I love to hate. VH1 has truly outdone themselves with this one. That's a pretty far step considering the other shows they have on air: Double Shot at Love-The Ikki Twins, Rock of Love Bus-because Bret Michaels couldn't seem to find love on Rock of Love 1 OR 2, Flavor of Love 1, 2, and 3, and last but not least my super favorite-Real Chance at Love. No self-respcting girl would stay with a guy like the ones that are on Tool Academy. It's completely ridiculous!! One of the guys had 2 girls at the same time!!! Never before has a bomb like that been dropped on reality T.V.!!! The girl that was on the show with the guy, was "the other woman"!!! The said girlfriend of 6 years, showed up during "therapy" and blew everyone's minds!!!!

Real Chance at Love, is fabulous. Ridiculous, naturally, but it's my particular brand of ridiculous. The only thing that could make me more intoxicated would be a pink Otter Pop and Juice Barrel while I watch.

For some reason my cable network believes in about 30 Spanish channels, 15 sports channels, and about 5 normal channels. Oh. Joy. But one of those 5 channels is Lifetime Movie Network. I have been utterly lost for the last month-ish without my Fa-La-La-La Lifetime. But now, Lifetime has come back to me!!! Lifetime Lover's Lane is on!!! WOOOO!!!!!! And this last weekend-which has been continued through the middle of this week-YESSSSS!!!-was Love Gone Wrong Weekend!!!! YAY!!! As much as I love a good love story where everything goes right, nothing touches my heartstrings like a love that goes unrequited. Today, Meredith and I watched a movie with Jesse from Saved By the Bell, who is a teacher and has a student she is tutoring, get obsessed with her and shows up at her house and attacks her. Then blames her for coming on to him when his obsession and undying love for her goes unrequited! GORGEOUS!I can't wait to see what comes on next!!!

Oh Meredith.

2009-01-12T23:42:00.000-08:00

After a glorious trip to Ikea, another bruise, 2 adorable pillows, and a duvet cover later, Meredith and I went stopped at Wal-Mart in American Fork on the way home to grab some screws and fishing line. We're planning an outdoors adventure later this week. Kidding. We are hanging some shelves and nails just won't cut it. Why is it that everywhere has parking spots that barely fit compact cars let alone full size SUV's like Meredith's Burban Boat. I told her that her parking job was perfect-just being nice-but she was actually PRETTY close, but I figured it was fine because I could squeeze out.

20 minutes later: Meredith and I walk out of Wal-Mart behind a rather plump older woman. She fumbles for her keys, pushes the unlock button, and I see the lights blink on in a new Hyundai Sonata. Which just so happened to be incredibly close to our Burban. I stopped dead in my tracks. I don't like confrontation, and I could be wrong, but I'm sure the driver was mighty sassy and from the looks of her backside, she looked like she could make me cry. I pulled MEredith over to "pretend" to be interested in a Salt Lake Tribune...or something like that. I tell you what, that lady took a WHILE to get into her car. Whoops, sorry to everyone that I have ever parked to close to, and to all those upstanding citizens who don't park inside the lines, you deserved getting keyed. Not that I did it or anything...

All Aboard!!!!! Toot Toot!!!!

2009-01-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

It truly is a glorious day in the neigborhood, Mr. Rogers. True, all the snow melted, leaving us with ugly. But hey, cheer up m'dear because I have good news. I AM MOVING!!!! WOO!! My car...and Meredith Ottley's car is filled to the brim with junk. Very cute junk, but still...junk. Not that I count on Utah being the birthplace of my future and/or dreams, but it's a start to the future I want to be building. I am wanting to get a job at IHC and go through the Ultrasound Tech program that they have teamed up with SLCC to do. But first things first. Job. Gotta get it first.

Hey LADYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

2009-01-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

Ahoy Kids, glad to see I'm not dead? Yea, me too. Considering I thought that snowmobiling and spending the last week with nobody but my immediate family, Death is how I expected to meet my demise. Alas, not true! I am alive! Not so much as well...but alive with a couple more bruises to prove it! I think people are beginning to think I get abused...

I haven't been blogging much as of late, not so much that I have nothing to say, I just have so much I don't know quite to put it into words. Speechless. Never a word I thought I would EVER use to describe myself, but the month of December 2008 has rendered me speechless. 2008 definately threw me a curveball right at the last possible second. I must say...I hit that out of the park.

Another great thing about 2008? I got my all time favorite movie. Kuffs. For Christmas. You better believe that sucker is gonna get so worn out you won't be able to watch it anymore!!!!!!

Nerdtopia

2008-11-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

The Nerdtopia of this last week, was the movie theaters. Everyone and their niece is blogging about Twilight coming out. Read the book? Check. Became a closet superfan? Check. Guess who's a nerd!! THIS GIRL!!!

My ceiling looks like a Mistletoe farm!

2008-11-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling philosophical as of late. And as a one who is the sole occupant of a cold Queen bed, I have been thinking. Everyone always wants to know what women want-even Screw What Women Want, I am one so that question is irrelevant. The question here is what do men want? Such a fickle thing is man. As the Katy Perry once said, "you're hot then you're cold."

YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY!!! YOU CAN BE MY HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! All for the gauranteed low price of FREE!!!

I am beginning to think that those Pontapee brothers had it right. If you want a cook and clean, you gotta steal her from her pa and all those other suitors. Don't get ahead of me now, I'm not writing this so I can be your getaway-stagecoach driver. You leave those Sobine women/men alone and lend me your peepers, and if you want feel free to grab a Bic and take notes.

These tips aren't gender specific so don't you worry. I won't hold it against you if you don't give heed to my tips, just don't punch me when I say I told you so.

1. Everyone, I don't care what they say, wants to date the entertainer. Someone who makes them laugh.

2. Everyone wants to feel understood. No Debbie Downers here. Understanding is a blanket word, which entails being positive, and no criticizing.

3. Everyone wants some degree of physical attraction. No Question.

It seems like I had a lot more tips than that...but apparently the Gospel of Dating According to Gwen is 3 rules simple. Fun, Understanding, and Attraction. Any Questions? If you think I missed something...feel free to abridge the Gospel According to Gwen. I won't mind. All I ask is that in doing so, you leave me someone under the Mistletoe.

"Oh sexy American Giiiirlfriend!!!"

2008-11-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Listen up kids. This is monumental. Nay, it's...blog-worthy. You know you live a sad life when something tragic and dreadful happens to you and immediately you think to yourself..."hey you know what? This would make an awesome blog post!!!" or "This sucks. I'm gonna blog about this." Well today this is true. Actually....every blog post is inspired by real life events. Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes, events in factual stories have been exaggerated-naturally-so if you were present for said event and don't remember something happening, then you should go eat a bowl of hair, cuz you're a dummy because it did...(in my mind!!!)

Today's blog subject grew on me. At first I just thought of it as a creeper who liked to watch me...which actually is not out of the norm of this girl's everyday. You think you learn stuff at school? Well kidlets, play a little hookie with me for one day, float with me on the rainbow express (formerly my Nissan Maxima) for a journey that will take us through the Rocky Road Valley (Rocky Ford Creek), past Bubble gum Junction (Soap Lake/Ephrata Junction), to a magical place called Awesomeville (Ephrata, WA), Population: 2. You+Me. Actual population: 6,808. I call this the exodous.

I need to clarify some newsie lingo for you. A Rack, does not involve cup size, porn stars, meat, storage, or firearms. It involves 2 quarters, a stack-no B&T (band and toss) here-of papes (papers), and a busy place. Like...oh....a Chevron gas station for example. My mommala has a rack there and it is my duty as a sub (substitute) to switch them out every day.

Sidenote: Since the Newspaper is such a classy establishement, I tend to dress up. I put on a bra. Thus making me sickeningly overdressed compared to the rest of the posh dames I come in contact with at this swanky paper printer. Ninja bun and all, I throw on a sweater and tennis shoes and hit the Yellow Brick road on the Rainbow Express.

No cares. No boss. No makeup. I look hot. Every Day. Drop dead gorgeous. People stare. I can't decide if it's good staring or appalled staring.

I digress. Faithfully, every day the owner of one of the gas stations I frequent and...uh...service?....comes out and stands there. Usually involving stareage of some kind aimed in my direction. As good as that must feel to be stared at, the only ones who can truly sympathize with me are either dead, or a water buffalo.

Stalk this bucko! I'll give you a fake engagement ring in the face!!!

I know someone, who knows someone, that met someone famous. That someone is ME!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I helped my Madre work the concession stands for the 1A Regional Playoffs. A couple of teams I took note of were: Lakeside-only because they had an uber hott injured player that I took a liking to, and Gonzaga Prep. Gonzaga Prep isn't too shabby. We played them a few years back and took them to the cleaners, shocker I know but Mo-town Football used to be worth the $5 they charge to spectate.

I'm not really clear about the rankings or stats of Gonzaga Prep, but this I am clear of. I was in the presence of Royalty. Yes. Saturday, November 8, 2008 I saw John Stockton. The very John Stockton who is the NBA All-Time-Leader in steals and assists. John Stockton who played in 9 consecutive NBA All-Star games. Utah Jazz John Stockton. (Not sure if those factoids are still valid, but I don't care) He lives in Spokane, and his nephew is The QB for Gonzaga Prep.

He came up to my window, and I served that Bad A a Hot Dog. It was a good day.

It's Baby Mania Up In This Piece!!!

2008-11-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

It seems that the Columbia Basin is in a little bit of a pickle. A Baby Boom of sorts. Babies being born left and right-sometimes 2 at a time!!! It's utter madness!! Mayhem! Chaos even! On the bright side, these babies are almost THE cutest cutest things I've ever seen. I will explain why I say almost a little bit later.

About a month ago, driving past a gas station I vocally took note of how proposterous the price of gas was, and that if it ever dipped lower than $3/gal. I would make a baby with someone. I am well aware that intentional baby making is no joking matter, I honestly did not think gas would EVER beat me at limbo. I mean I'm no Gumby, but I am quite limber and bendy; but man gasoline took the whole "how low can you go/limbo" thing a little too literal.

I was floored-losing at limbo pun intended-when I saw gasoline at a lean $2.99 a mere 2 1/2 weeks later!!!!! Now gas is down to about $1.97 here in the Babyville, and since I have let many promises and threats go unanswered, this is one that I will keep. I. Gwendolyn Breyette Stoker. Will make a baby. In fact I will go ahead and do it right now just so all of you can bear witness that I have made true on my pact. Actually I will do you one better, or 10 to be specific. I took it upon myself to make hypothetical virtual prodigy's of yours truly and the finest male specimens I could find photographial documentation of on Google. Here are my top 10 Gwen/Celeb Hybrid Babies:

10. Gwen+ Freddie Prinze Jr.

9. Gwen + Mr. Rhode Island (from Cosmo 20 Hottest Bachelor's Ever sorry he's so pixelly)

8. Gwen + Mr. Ohio (See source from previous Baby Daddy)

O-HI!!!!-OH!!!!!!!!

7. Gwen + Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl)

Ok this is probably the best example of a child-cute right? Both parents obviously well represented in his genetic make-up-and looking stellar might I add!!!

6. Gwen + Usher

My confessions are that this baby would look fabulous in the club.

5. Gwen + Tyson Beckford

Model. Idiot?

4. Gwen + Zav Efron

Thought he get prettier or have better hair? Well think again, because.....he. just. did.

3. Gwen + Cam Gigandet

2. Gwen + James Franco

Who knew Baby Green Goblin would be so adorable?!!?!?

1. Gwen + Stephen T. Colbert

Proof that "we belong together".

Honorable Mentions: Patrick Dempsey, Kellan Lutz, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Not to toot my own horn and be a proud Mamma, but 'toot toot' Now do you see why I said other babies were almost as cute? I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labors-once again double pun intended-because they took me forever to put on here. 9 months to be exact.

P.S. Don't you worry about the appearance of buck teeth. You better believe that my babies won't have beaver teeth come hell or baby braces!!!

That Blasted "Great Pumpkin" stood me up...again

2008-11-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

Halloween this year wasn't a total bust. Family crisis=nothing new. Sisters coming home and stamping their absolute approval on my costume=awesome. My Halloween as a (Barbie) Rocker Chick went quite well. I went Gwen Stefani on my hair and did a ratted pompadour down the middle and twistied the sides. As far as make-up goes. I'll just have you know that it was awesome.

I'm glad the election is over. As much as I say that I completely despise politics, I have decided that I actually like them. I don't like the analysts on TV that nit-pick every little detail about each candidates campaigns. I do, however, like talking politics with knowledgeable friends. Just because I'm confused as to the definition of imcumbent and pundit, doesn't mean that I'm a bumbling hick. I know what I believe, and I believe that I have a strong moral compass and a mind for ethics. Sarah Palin, my phone awaits your call. Palin-Stoker 2012. Give Girls a Whirl-Vote Me. Don't bother waiting on hold with NSA, I have no interest in being VP of the continental U.S....that doesn't work well with my plans for world domination.

The way we were. By we I mean I.

2008-10-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

Tag #1

Now tag #2You have to give five answers to each of the questions and pass it on.

To pass it on, you name them on your blog and you leave a comment notifying them on their blog.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

1. Wearing a size 4

2. Picking Rocks

3. Playing with a cow calf

4. Crushing on Christian Slater

5. Watching TV in real time.

5 things on my to-do list today:

1. Go to Lowe's

2. Bake a tarte or crisp

3. Play board games with the fam.

4. Hit up the Goodwill or Calico Cat

5. Find myself a super sweet pair of snow boots

5 snacks I enjoy:

1. Peanut Butter and banannas on toast

2. cereal

3. Bread

4. Ritz or Wheat Thins

5. Granola

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Make a Continent change-Australia would be nice-and go to college while I'm at it

2. Buy a house close to Target with a super-fab kitchen and shower

3. Set up my Parents for life

4. Make sure the rest of the fam is well enough off

5. Start a college fund for...future posterity?

5 places I have lived:

1. Moses Lake, WA

2. Rexburg, ID

3. Girls Camp

4. Target-in my dreams

5. In my sweatpants or p-jams

5 jobs I have had:

1. Paper Route-past

2. Slave for hire for the Stoker family-past, present, and future

3. Concessions at the Baseball Fields-past

4. Nanny-past

5. Unofficial Paper Route-sadly present

Soak 'Em For Crutchie!!

2008-10-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Though this might come as a shock to some, I do stuff. I pretty much have a job. Not your typical 9-5, have to use your brain, get dressed out of your p-jams every day job. But one I do out of the goodness of my heart-but get meagerly compensated. I'm talkin' if this were my sole source of income I wouldn't even be able to survive on Mac' and Cheese-on sale even!! Needless to say it's not the BEST use of my time nor is it my ideal dream of a Knight in Shining Armour come true of what I would like to be doing at this point in time of my life. Some people just need help sometimes, and apparently my emotionally stagnant, cold-numb heart roused its wrinkled little tuchis out of hibernation to do a few good deeds. 4 months-ish of them to be exact. Oy Vey!

You could say every day life is a movie. I should sue for the movie rights. If not, then you should say it, and get someone to buy movie rights to it so I can live out my dream: some fabulous old schlimazel of a yenta with nothing better to do than yell at schlemiels in Yiddish, nosh my bagel and schmeer, and play cribbage. But in reality, my dreams are bupkis, because for the fragile time being I am Newspaper Delivery Professional. Thanks Mommala. I always knew this little bubelah would make you proud....oh..I'm getting a little verklempt!

I have a few words to say to the general public about this profession. Be it known to all of you who park on the street in front of paper recepticles (the newspaper boxes, keep up now) it's not my fault if you come up one side mirror of window short next time you come out to crank up your Miata. Furthermore, yes. I am a lazy mamzer, and I don't get paid to schlep your paper all the way to the door. I'm not the only one who could use the exercise a 10 foot walk to the edge of your driveway intails!!

I had a little run in yesterday with my rogue rival-the infamous Wenatchee World Lady. Like I said, my life is a movie: Newsies. The Newsies rivalring each other for papes sales. I get harassed almost daily by other paper district peddlers. It's like Cowboy Jack Kelly vs. Spot Conlon. Brooklyn Newsies vs. Queens Newsies. Me vs. The W.W. I tenderly refer to that schmendrick as We-snatch-ee World lady. Not only does she suposedly "rule the road" in her oh-so-classy periwinkle PT Cruiser, she makes her daughter get out schlep the papes!! Well cruise this you ole bag!! I'm gonna run over your paper boxes!!! No federal offense for me!!!

Which brings me to my next felony...I've got a beef with a Mail Lady as well. Suspected-by me-to also be a MALE Lady. She boxed me in yesterday, when I was trying to leave my coveted primo parking spot in front of a row of mailboxes and gave me attitude. The chutzpah!!! She doesn't know who she fooled with. I should've unleashed my unlucky beastie on her!! I should have never stopped pulling forward. I should have gunned it and made her brassy braided, too tan, cut off sleeve wearing self sorry she had every crossed my path, given her a lethal dose of McPain and Ba-Rocked her face right the eff off!!! Ragin' Cajun? Gruesome Twosome? Try Perp(etrator) with a Pape on for size, oh wait...my size 8's are too small for your mammoth sized dude-hooves!!!!

Put on a sweater, the paper business is a fierce and cold war kidlets.

Looks like it's borchst wishes and bupkis dreams. Mozel Tov to me!!

WWGD?

2008-10-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's right. What Would Gwen Do? What would I do? I would do an experiment, and you can come along for the ride full of fun, excitement, with popcorn and cotton candy. Promise. Go to google.com. Do as I do-AND as I say. (go to google search your name plus whatever else I say and hit search) I took the top 4 raddest and put them on here.

Gwen says my baby is rad.
Gwen says her fans are freaks.
Gwen says I ate 1285 calories today!
Gwen says she is in a rush to have another! (another what? I wonder...)

Gwen loves that Antiques Roadshow.
Gwen loves her Tomato Bob.
Gwen loves to engage in feisty discussion.
Gwen loves houndstooth.

Gwen hates on harajuku lovers.
Gwen hates the girl who is so much like her.
Gwen hates me.
Gwen hates making the smallest decision, then blames herself for it.

Gwen wants another baby.
Gwen wants to help troubled Britney Spears.
Gwen wants in!
Gwen wants to reproduce with you. (Fact!)

Gwen needs no helmet!
Gwen needs to go.
Gwen needs a partner for kips.
Gwen needs a pair of roller skates to complete this white hot look.

Gwen looks like a washed up lounge singer.
Gwen looks like a 40-year-old Brittney Murphy without the photoshop.
Gwen looks like a tranny.
Gwen looks like a wild woman.
BONUS:
Gwen looks like a sick, dying bug.

Gwen likes to dance in chocolate fountains.
Gwen likes a bargain.
Gwen likes to say that her books and her dogs are her babies.
Gwen likes to eat chianese people.

Gwen does not like Godzilla.
Gwen does not seem to feel this is important.
Gwen does stuff specifically to make Theresa look bad in Ethan's eyes. (totally from Passions the best ex-soap opera ever)
Gwen does bring something different to the mix.

Gwen goes back to punk roots.
Gwen goes pumpkin hunting.
Gwen goes avant-garde.
Gwen goes lunching.

Gwen is killed by the Green Goblin. (yay for comic book references)
Gwen is your favorite.
Gwen is stabbed.
Gwen is hot.

I think that the winner of all goes to.........Gwen is a sick, dying bug!!!

P.S. That Gwen Stefani should change her name. Why should I have to? She's the one who sucks! (for all you Office Space fans out there. Yay for Michael Bolton!)

Life Sucks, and then you move on

2008-10-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

In the last week, I've had purple hair, Blue hair, brown hair, a car wreck, and non-stop crying. Let's all hope it goes a heck of a lot better next week. Cross everything and wish me luck-because I don't have any!!!

Edward Scissorhoofs?

2008-10-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

I found this picture while I was looking for a purple haired My Little Pony. Somebody has too much time on their hands. It is an impeccable resemblance though I must say.

Purple People Eater for real

2008-10-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

A mass catastrophe has happened. Call the Coast Guard!! Call in Homeland Security!!! Call Nanny 9-1-1!!! Before I weave the web of this tragic saga, I must tell you that viewer discretion is advised. This story is not for the queasy stomach, no faint stomachs allowed. Belay on with the story.

I went and got my hair done Monday. I had this awesome idea, that was going to turn out really nice and it was going to look great-at least it did in my imagination. Blonde highlights, with dark purple lowlights-for winter they say to go dark, so for once I actually heeded that tidbit. The highlights and lowlights were put in at the same time, and were washed out at the same time. Bleaching the hair, first strips the hair so the shaft is more amiable to absorb the color. Remember this as it is crucial. As it was getting washed out, the bleached hair was so poreous that it sucked up all the excess purple that was getting washed out. I repeat. The purple bled all over the blonde.

The color pallate is very useful in hair coloring. The color green cancels out red, yellow and red cancels out blue-ish colors (something like that) that may be too cool for your skin tone. And finally, purple cancels out brassy tones. Purple being washed out of my hair, cancelled out the brassy-which was awesome-and also cancelled out a lot of the normal blonde, making it more silvery. I imagine the hair of an angel isn't gold. Isn't blonde. But more of a soft, wispery silvery-blonde. Which my roots mostly are now. The rest of it is almost a neon purple-with the exception of the dark lowlights-which turned out exactly how I imagined them, but they brought a traitorous BFFF. Bleeding.

I look like a secret love child of a My Little Pony (the mane and tail hair was always very...vibrant) and a Fraggle (for those of you too young to know what a Fraggle is, think pre-Muppet-Jim Henson creation) I digress. It doesn't look really bad. I'm just not used to looking like Rainbow Bright's friend Shy Violet. Good thing I like purple! Why are 4 out of 5 of Strawberry Shortcake's Nemesis' color of choice purple?? With the exception of Licorice Whip; Raisin Cane, Sour Grapes, and The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak all have references to purple in their name and clothing color choice. Her friend Almond Tea from China Cup has purple hair too.

I'm not mad. I am still in shock that I, Gwendolyn Breyette Stoker, have purple hair. Good thing Halloween is coming up :)

No one "feels" the news at you like Stephen Colbert.

2008-09-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

You know how when you don't know a word, you find out the definition, and you hear someone use it and automatically think, "wow, I actually know what that means!" Or when you hear about something new, and within a couple of days, you hear about it again? It's called a coincidence, my friends. I recently got into a bit of a tiff with a friend about Barry Manilow. Contrary to what my friend thinks, one song on your iPod does NOT make you a superfan. It makes you a connosiuer.

My friend detests the very thought of Barry Manilow, and I am indifferent. All I care about is the sweet sweet music. Not neccessarily from the Manilow that is. (For future reference the song I have is "Can't Smile Without You", think what you may about me now, but that song is tender.)

I digress. I was watching my news show of choice-The Colbert Report-and Stephen Colbert is up for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program-super yay! I don't know why he shouldn't win. I mean this man has done things!

He ran for President, got kicked out of the race for Commander in Chief, fought a giant styrofoam cup, he is immortal and is going to save humanity in the case of anything happens to his bucket of Truth Guts and Bud Light Lime, or a mass catastrophe, by sending his DNA laced with hot man sweat into space, and even has a super-spider named after him all while feeling the news at you in 30 minutesor less!! Needless to say that Stephen Colbert was excited about being nominated again since last time he lost. Here's the kicker-he lost to BARRY MANILOW!!!!!! Barry can't add any of those things to his resume!! One conversation about Barry Manilow and even The Colbert Nation is talking about him!!! MANILOW!!!! Emmy Please!!

P.S. My friend and I have come to a peace treaty in the form of 3 Reese's Shakes. My treat of course.

I found a list of Truths about Stephen Colbert. Chuck Norris eat your heart out!

http://www.stephencolberttruths.com/

Gone green?

2008-09-12T11:48:00.001-07:00

I'm positive that when I drive, no one is looking at me thinking, "that sure reminds me of Jesus", "that maneuver reminds of something the Savior would do!" In fact, it is probably the polar opposite. They might have coined the term road rage after watching me drive for a couple blocks, oh boy I hope not though.

It seems as though whenever you're in a hurry the cars in front of you seem like an enormous annoyance, and even when you're on a leisurely jaunt through country town, the cars behind you are irritating as well. It's usually never my fault. I am an almost perfect driver-no permanent demerits or traffic violations are on my criminal record anyway-I drive exactly the way I'm supposed to. Which, naturally, is my way or the highway. (pun intended)

Part of me wants to believe that I have authority issues and thus speed-break the law-to stick it to the man and "buck" the system. What system is that? That system, my friends, is the system that our hard earned and easy spent tax dollars use to employ Satan's minions to ruin perfectly good days.

Since my mini-stint in Utah over my long weekend, I've decided to do something about my authority issues. Now, whenever I get passed by some anal bead in a gas hog, I just think to myself, "one of these days I'll have revenge for this. My loyal buddy 'The System' never let's me down. He always gets his man."-traffic wise anyway, criminally speaking is an entirely different system altogether. Or I am going to say, "Your Mother must be so proud of you!" I say that because what have they won? Definitely not the pole position in the Indy 500, so who cares!! What have the got that I don't? An extra 5 seconds to pick their nose? Fair enough. What have I lost? Pride? Most likely, but it's not flattering anyway. Gas mileage? No sir. Studies show that going over 60 mph actually decreases your engines fuel efficiency. Proven fact. And when it's hot during the summer, it's better to roll down your windows and turn the AC off if you're going 35 mph or slower. Any faster and just turn on the AC and roll em on up because you aren't solving global warming with your measly vehicular AC, OR your iron pony's harmful emissions.

If losing a highway battle royale with a steel steed makes me a loser, then so be it. Because I've got one thing they don't have: a disco ball hanging from my rear view mirror.

"I like me, and you should too!": Secret Life of Gwen

2008-09-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

101 Fun Factoids about me:

1. I have chapstick stashed everywhere for those just in case moments.

2. I read. A lot. For fun. And enjoy it.

3. I am an impeccable speller. I'm my own spell check :)

4. In text messages I always punctuate, have correct capital letters, and use proper grammar.

5. I could eat home made macaroni and cheese for the rest of my life and be a-ok with that.

6. I have snowmobiled my entire life...as a co-pilot. I very seldom get to drive.

7. I have had 4 serious surgeries to fix the same problem.

8. I have pretty much had the same friends since kindergarten.

9. I am not as blind as my glasses say I am. No material thing can imprison me. NEVER!

10. I went through a controversial tom-boy phase in the 4th grade where I had long blonde hair that I curled or did something with every day, but dressed like a boy. Oh wait...fast forward to present day...still haven't grown out of it!

11. I could never wear jeans again in my life and die happy.

12. I used to have bottle cap glasses.

13. On those bottle cap glasses I used to have a Mickey/Minnie Mouse applique in the bottom corner of my glasses. My mom said it looked cool.

14. I like shoes. I won't disclose how many I own, but I will have you know that I wear all of them on a regular basis.

15. My mom believes in jewelry, and when she is no longer with us, I will too.

16. The last time I went paint-balling, I got shot in a tender place, cried my eyes out, ran away, and have never gone back.

17. I don't usually drink pop, unless it's my only option.

18. I can share shoes with my oldest sister, but not my other one.

19. My sister that I can't share shoes with and I steal clothes back and forth from each other.

20. I can't hide anything in my sock drawer...because it is entirely full of socks.

21. My first car was a tan 1979 Nissan Pick-up. I was ridin' dirty.

22. In the fall/winter months I like making bread and other comfort foods.

23. My first crush was Christian Slater.

24. I loved him because I saw him in Kuffs.

25. I hate pink.

26. The only vegetable I like are cucumbers.

27. I eat all the corners off of my sandwich first.

28. I only eat chunky peanut butter.

29. I never put on lotion.

30. I am terrible with art, but have a deep appreciation for it.

31. I'm OCD, but not very organized.

32. I won't wash my car unless I have time to clean my tires and wax it.

33. I thoroughly enjoy reading Shakespeare.

34. My favorite play is Much Ado About Nothing.

35. Sometimes I think I should have been born in the 19th century.

36. I love big ball gowns and getting dressed up.

37. Whenever something emotionally straining happens in my life, I change my hairstyle to cope.

38. I like reading deep, in depth books that make you think.

39. I never scream when I get scared.

40. My eyes vary in shades of blue in accordance with my mood. If I've been crying, my eyes are light blue/turquoise.

41. I really love camping.

42. I would rather bicycle for 1 hours than run for 20 minutes.

43. I am actually related to Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula.

44. My biggest fear is getting into trouble.

45. I usually feel guilty about things I do, and constantly worry that I'm being selfish with my decisions.

46. I have never broken a bone, but totally want to try crutches.

47. I always get hit with a ball or otherwise injured whenever I play a sport. Contact or not.

48. I usually wear socks to bed.

49. I love driving a stick shift.

50. I love mowing the lawn.

51. The songs on my playlists are never of the same genre. One rock, one contemporary, one country, one 80's hair band, etc.

52. My CTR ring is molded to the shape of my finger.

53. I can't ride a bicycle on gravel. I suppose I possess the ability, I just had a bad experience and try to avoid it at all costs.

54. I have an extremely good memory.

55. I only read books once.

56. I only watch movies once.

57. I love chivalry, but I don't always feel the need to have everything constantly done for me.

58. I'm not a feminist, but I think women should have equal rights, a voice, and be able to make their own decisions.

59. My closet is color coordinated, then sorted by sleeve length and style.

60. I love getting muddy.

61. I was never attached to a blanket or needed a pacifier when I was little.

62. I've milked a goat and helped birth kids-goat talk for "baby".

63. I've been on the front page of the newspaper.

64. Driven in excess of 100 mph.-Sorry Mom

65. I've hiked to hot springs while my leg was bleeding out.

66. I'm very good at understanding other languages even though I'm not fluent in any other than English.

67. I've shaved my dog like a lion.

68. I've shot a cow-my own-with a paintball gun.

69. I've taped a cats foot pads to see what would happen.

70. I've rocked a baby to sleep.

71. I'm pretty good at woodshop and have carved out and shaped a dolphin and dog.

72. I'm very considerate and thoughtful. (I hope)

73. I am an excellent tipper at restaurants.

74. I have really good hand eye coordination and rhythm, although I am not a very good pianist.

75. I chew the sides of my nails when I get nervous.

76. I don't like wearing hats, mostly because I think I look like a boy-which is not intended.

77. I don't put butter on my toast or french toast.

78. I could live off cereal I love it so much and did for a while in college voluntarily .

79. I won Young Writers 3 times.

80. My middle name is Breyette (bree-yet). I have yet to meet anyone with that name.

81. I love reading poetry, especially when I don't understand it because then I can interpret it to my life and it means so much more.

82. I've been stung my lots of bees at one time, just like the boy in My Girl.

83. I'm very self conscious about my height.

84. Laughed until I cried.

85. I know how to crochet and cross-stitch.

86. Practiced a sport for more than 6 hours straight.

87. I lose sense of reality more often than I should.

88. I've choked down something really gross, so I wouldn't be rude or seem like a high maintenance, picky eater.

89. My toenails (I hate that word by the way) are always painted.

90. I am convinced that I will be my mother.

91. Hidden because I was terrified.

92. I keep a list of thought provoking, inspirational, and meaningful quotes in my phone.

93. I like most songs because I can identify with the lyrics.

94. For my sweet 16, I was at the worst girls camp location, but that was the most memorable year.

95. I never wear watches, and actually don't own one.

96. I love exotic, beautiful jewelry from other countries.

97. The best advice I've ever gotten is: To never cry over someone who isn't willing to cry over you. Courtesy of Lauren Conrad from The Hills.

98. I used to not like my name and asked my mom if I could change it. She said give it time. Now I think I like it.

99. I really enjoy biology topics and classes, but don't do very well in them.

100. It takes me 30-45 minutes to eat one orange. It gives me the willies to eat the skin and stringy things.

101. I like sitting alone in silence.

Is that your brains on the floor, or did I just blow your mind?

2008-09-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

Lately, I find myself dragging my feet about blogging. My personal coup against myself if you will. Not that I have nothing to blog about. Believe me, I could go all day. It's just...gloomy weather makes for a gloomy Gwen. I firmly believe that summer is officially over. And has been since the day fair ended. I have already bought myself a new pair-ok 2 pair-of winter slippers. One was 5 dollars and totally old manish-yet uber comfortable, thus uber justifiable. Broke out sweatshirts and pants? Check. Dusted off last seasons winter coat? Double Check. You show me a day that it gets above 85-90 degrees and I'll print this blog out and literally eat my words. Call me a seasonal pessimist...but I am not Falls hugest fan. I love the colors, and I really like to layer stuff-and can't wait to break free and parade my fur lined vest once more-It's just the doom and gloom that seems inevitably forlorn in the forecast for Fall. Summer lovin' is over. Summertime memories no more. No more catchy tunes about summer lovin' or flings-neither of which my summer consisted of. Excited as I am about pending new changes in my super thrilling existence, Fall never ceases to put me in a funk. So to get myself out of this so called funk, I had to bring into play the heavy artillery. My cowboy calendar. It's something about half clothed men-which half I shall leave to your disgression-with a cowboy hat and utility belt that instantly morphs me into a giddy little school-girl and that's just what the Doctor ordered.

"I like whiskers on kittens, big woolen mittens, copper kettles, streudles and noodles, these are a few of my favorite things."-Applesauce Pete

2008-08-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

5 of your favorite things

-gym shoes...aww heck all shoes!

-sweaters with kangaroo pockets and hoods. a.k.a. A Hoodie

-Naps

-cheese, bread, whipped cream, and juice-I figured I could lump all the food items into one category

-Imagine me and you. It's true. Lounging around a campfire in a soft hoodie so happy together!

5 things you wanted to be when you grew up

-Lawyer because I heard they made bank. But then ditched it after I heard how much school they had to go through.

-Dental Hygienist-ditched also when I heard how competative it is.

-Stewardess-Just think about it! Travel for work? AWESOME!

-Speech Pathologist-only slightly ditched, still roaming somewhere around the depths of my subconscious between Optomotrist and Professional Baker.

-Writer/Editor-only recently acquired

5 of the best compliments that you have ever received

- some old "Biker for Jesus" dude at the ticket gate to the Rodeo told me I have a beautiful smile. If a compliment comes from a dirty old man, is it still valid?

-People always tell me I have nice legs, or in some cases they say I have such killer legs they want to stab me.

-A few people tell me that I should be a writer. Give me a shout out in comment form about what you think.

- At the rodeo one of my sisters old friends didn't recognize me, he thought I was a cousin. I took that as a compliment. Perhaps it means that I have actually gotten cuter since my afro puff bangs, coke bottle glasses, honkey style days.

- a couple dudes have actually told me I have a really nice butt, brought to my attention only because my siblings do not share my ample genetic gift. I've always thought it as weird to vocalize such compliments, but heck I'll take it and to this day it still makes me feel on top of old smokey.

5 songs that you would pick as your theme songs.

- Back in Black-AC/DC

- Save Room-John Legend

- Ready, Aim, Misfire-New Years Day

- That Girl has Love-Rooney

-Johnny and June-Heidi Newfield

Honorable Mention: Stickshifts and Safetybelts-Cake, Last of Days-A Fine Frenzy, Time is Running Out-Muse

5 people that inspire(d) you.

-My Mom-who supports me whatever lame or ridiculous choices I make.

-6'3" Beach Volleyball player Kerri Walsh and her partner Misty May-Treanor, who have inspired me to "get up offa that thing" and train to be in 2010 Olympics.

-That one surfer girl who got her arm bit off by a shark. She got her biscuit right back onto that surfboard, worked out her balancing with one arm issues and surfed her way into American's hearts.

-Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. He makes my previous jobs seem like a switchboard operator. I salute you with a tip of my squeaky clean cap.

-Myself. Someone once said "The only player better than yourself, is the one you are tomorrow." Thus is life.

5 things I like about county fairs/festivals

-I have a love hate relationship with carnies. I love looking at them and taking pictures of their meticulously sculpted mullets, but hate it when they talk to me.

-two words. Commerical Booth. another two. Free Stuff.

-Petting Zoo. I love seein' me a fresh shaved sheep.

-Elephant Ears

-All the food choices! I love having options! Like do I want a burger? or should I walk 2 feet and get a gyro? Decisions decisions!!!

5 things I take with me when I leave the house

-phone

-keys

-iPod

-purse?

-extra pairs of clothes

5 of my favorite days of the year

-Birthday

-Christmas

-Halloween

-St. Patricks Day

-No Pants Day. It's real. Believe it.

5 genres of music I listen to

-Huge fan of the 80's

-Soft spot in my heart for Oldies.

-Country

-Rock

-Acoustic? If that can even be considered a genre

5 of my favorite places to shop

-Forever 21 for shoes

-American Eagle I suppose

-PacSun

-WinCo Foods

-Target. Enough said right?

2008-08-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

I spotted this little gem on a fellow bloggers blog. I resent that! Why do mormons have to be categorized with baby killers and dikes on bikes???? And personally, I don't think sports nuts are THAT bad. Sports Nuts who think you're dumb for not knowing who won the Stanley Cup in 1984? (that'd be the Oilers-with Wayne Gretzky) Now thats a whole new chestnut altogether. Last I checked...tax evaders are more despicable than us mormons, so hows about they get stereotyped instead.

Ask me about my balls!!!

2008-08-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

I don't think I need to mention-but am going to anyway-how my blog promise has gone. I blogged a full..2 MAYBE 3 times. But it goes without saying that's just the way I roll. I like to keep people guessing. Before I get on to the subject of today's blog, I want to shout out to the Moses Lake Round-up Rodeo and Demolition Derby. Except the Rodeo part-not yet anyway. Hey oh! This Demo Derby ain't seen nothin yet, and I mean this. Last night I got my grubbies on, and went to help Josh and Emily gut her demo car. After experimenting with the windshield-trying to break it that is. I gave up because I hate loud noises and that's all I was successfully doing. Later on, we tried to get a side window out-but couldn't. So I conducted another experiment. The Window vs. The Hammer. This wasn't a WWF Smackdown. This was complete and utter annihilation!!! That window SHATTERED. For safety reasons I had Josh and Emily back up so they were behind me, you know me Safety McSaferson without safety spectacles. There was glass everywhere. I'm pretty sure that was THE biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had. That and the knowledge that I wasn't gonna get in trouble for shattering a window probably helped the adrenaline high.

I baked a cake for a friends birthday the other day. It was one of those Better Than Sex Cakes-not that I would know if it truly were better. I've had this cake before, but I've never made it myself. Nor do I even know how it is yet, because of scheduling conflicts I have yet to hand over the birthday shenanigan. This brings me to a cupcake place I stumbled upon back in Rexburg. I do believe its called the Cocoa Bean. It was basically a gourmet cupcakery that served sno-cones too. And Gourmet it was.

They had a cupcake version of my sinful-pun intended-cake. It was rich, chocolaty, with caramely fantasies, and toffee dreams. I made it my supreme goal after making this cake, that I would find said recipe for incredible decadence even if it took me to the farthest reaches of the Internet. And along for the ride was my crazed desire for the insanely delectable Red Velvet cupcake recipe they had there. I found recipes that were similar, but none that promised me the joy of my first time. That first succulent bite. Around the time I thought all was lost, I stumbled to this lady's blog. It was something about a Bakerella. I assumed that she was either terrible at baking, super good at baking, or a kitchen slave. Just my luck. She was a Kitchen slave who was super good at baking! I perused her baking successes and thought of my impending baking catastrophes...until I found a recipe. First glance at the picture, and I could have sworn it was my Magic Cookie Ball impostor. My eyes had fashnookered me. Lo and behold this recipe held a secret secret. No cookie? THAT'S MADNESS!!

After further chef worthy ready, I quickly saw that it was a recipe so divine that I would surely have people anywhere short of drooling all over their perma-wrinkled Hollister cargo's. Oh their taste buds will rejoice! Not to mention mine as well. I am definately adding this weapon of mass delight to my extensive recipe arsenal that I will call upon one day to wage some serious war that will help me snag myself a real honey-by being the bomb dessert (aka awesome) that will blow the schnikies out of their minds. This ball looks to be so mouthwateringly tasty, that when it rears it gorgeous head, the heavens truly will open and shower down rainbow colored jimmies and everyone's trouble will melt away like lemon drops. Eat your heart out Judy Garland and watch out World...and friends alike. Say Hello, to my little (new found) friend. The Cake Ball.

The Pack of the Fanny

2008-07-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

After some intense blog-perusing looking for a little inspiration for today's rant..ahem I mean blog, I found the perfect topic. Contrary to what you thought by the title of this blog, it is not about bums, rumps, booties, badonks, hindquarters, or posteriors. I am sorry if I misled you in any way, continue on if you are not severely disappointed and/or leave me a comment about it and maybe I will weave an ode to your bum.

But-no pun intended-it is about fanny packs. Ridiculous as the group on ABDC seems-they can do a few things I can't, so I can't knock them, fanny packs are pretty rad. But I would encourage them to only be worn out of mocking-but in mocking you are allowed to fill it with necessities i.e. germ-x, moist towelettes, suckers, jolly ranchers, ring pops, chapstick, phones, ipods, and the like. But if anyone seriously considered it, I'm talking to the monogrammed extent that no one should consider, then it is automatically a fashion faux paux. A fashion DON'T even try! For example, girls camp 2008. Yours truly was in attendance, and in my new found authoritative position, took it upon myself to supply every estrogen producing adolescent with band-aids, suckers, germ-x, chapstick, mosquito bite medicine, Tylenol/Benadryl-which apparently you aren't allowed to dole out, but was SO necessary for myself- as needed. All of which I crammed into my handy dandy hot pink and purple 1980's original fanny pack. Fashionable and quite popular at girls camp I was. Oh yes my friends, Columbia outdoors knew how to make me fashionable on the trail then, and are still crankin out high quality North Face rival mountain survival gear today, but with an updated color palette of course.

I petition to jean/short designers and manufacturers worldwide, that they make men's jeans and shorts just one big pocket. Obviously men can't carry enough in their pockets, thus the dawn of the ever homo-I apologize for the stereotype-man-bag. What's a girl to do when their lover can't fit their keys into his pockets? Stuff them deep into the abyss of her blouse? I think not. It is highly noticeable not to mention extremely uncomfortable, but it does allow you a dirty little secret next time someone asks to see your keys. Dare I say that they have been where no man/key has been before? So next time you are jean shopping men and the ladies both, buy a pair with adequate pocket space enough for all your gadgets and toiletries, or get comfortable with stressing out over matching your new sensible fanny pack or man bag to the rest of your ensemble. Good Luck future don'ts! I bid you lucky shopping!

Fellow Knows Best

2008-07-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

I do heartily apologize for the lack of the blog from my department. I have not held up my contract. I would like to blame it on me actually have gotten a life and done some things. But alas. Lie I do. It is true that I have been out of town quite a bit, but that does not excuse this behavior. So I am going to do a little experiment. I am going to blog every day for the next week.

I went on a mini-cation a couple weekends ago. It was amazing. Lincoln City, Oregon never even saw Hurricane Stoker coming. It was a complete surprise attack from the ocean accompanied by rogue and sneaker waves. Tagard Outlet mall has consumed every bit of my carefully planned out 401K. It was an exciting weekend filled with clamming which is quite the hot new extreme sport. Might I also add that this particular Stoker branch-especially my entity-doesn't eat clam, nor do we have any idea of how we would go about the consumption of said vile crustacean. Antiqueing also wasted a majority of our weekend. Here I thought antiqueing would be an enlightening experience taking my brain back to a better time. Yea a better time that is assanignly expensive to remember. It was an expensive garage sale of junk.

Now I would like to jump a few weeks that were filled with a few special things but none of grave importance to blog readers anywhere-ooh except for American Idol which was fab as well it should have been-to today.

I decided to hit the garden hard today, and pick some berries of the rasp persuasion. And pick I did. Minus the exception of a few disgust-a-berries, I got a farmers market quality bowl of the Stoker household delicacy. I braved the elements. Sun, Wind, and spiders. Those 8-legged miscrients are a disgrace to my garden. As if delving myself deep into overgrown, berry-bearing pricklers isn't enough sacrifice for the sweet treat, I had to keep an eye out for those potentially fatal sneaklers. Similar looking to a bee keeper, I was fully clothed just to make sure I completely thwarted every vampiric spider from sampling my always light and refreshing red kool-aid. Just because you are a spider doesn't mean you get special treatment, you've got to pay the piper for the red wine cooler just like everyone else no freebies for you. And no, we don't accept lethal venom by the nano-liter. C'mon be more original you little blemishes on the porcelain skin of the world. Brian Fellows said it best "That is one fuzzy bug. If I had a bug like that, I would make a coat out of him"

2008-06-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

Since I know everyone loves picture books. I have a picture blog-a pictoblog if you will, to document my birthday.

There once was a girl named Gwenny. Gwenny went to the grocery store one day to get some food for a super sweet birthday bash of a party.

Gwenny was having a grand time perousing the cake mixes when she caught sight of her arch nemesis, Emilia checking how nutritous and delicious potato chips are-oh and they are quite because I say so.

Frantic to get her chips and get out, her T-Rex arms just weren't long enough and couldn't reach the always delish Doritos. Darn those genetic defects.

Along with having T-Rex arms, she also has short duck legs-yet another genetic defect-making it incredibly difficult to out-fight let alone out-run your foes. So she put her best defense mechanisms to work.

The Turtle move. It's a classic. Gets them every time.

*Phew!* That was a close call. The Turtle had worked!! The Evil Emilia hadn't seen Gwenny. She was soo out of the woods now. Or so she thought.

Emilia HAD indeed seen Gwenny and had waited to ambush her outside!! But Gwenny was ready for her and gave her the ole 1-2 combo right to the gipper. Gwenny worked those tiny little t-rex arms into shape, and those duck legs were burnin up the pavement. Good overcame evil once again. Gwenny is now ready to battle Madge and her evil Kabbalah empire.

The B-day Bash

Clinton-aka The Butcher

Garret-aka Canada

Make nice before blood.

A hair of assistance in the Socker Bopper department

And as Mills Lane would say: "Leeeeet's Get it on!"

The Butcher goes down first, but is merely tiring out the competition first. Those cows sure taught him the ways.

Just when wer thought the battle was over and declared Canada the winner, The Butcher hopped up and began to roll circles around unsuspecting Canada.

Emilia...ahem I mean Emily taking a birthday beating from the Birthday Girl.

After doling out a few beat downs, it turned out to be a pretty fabuloso day of the sumo birthday.

Applications Accepted Here

2008-06-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

As far as I know, I have no enemies. I have a need for one. I am putting out an APB for one. Currently accepting applications. If you already hate my guts, then perfect! Fill out an application, because you are at the top of my list and have the most credentials for the job. Or if you are on my friend list and wish to make the switch, now if the time kids for I won't consider you a traitor-it'll be for a good cause. Fence sitter? Pick a team. You can't have cake and not digest it too.

Why would one want an enemy? Two words, my potential enemies. Mud Wrestling.

I was watching I love 1981: 3D-always amazing-when it did a little bit about a mud wrestling show. I don't know if it was the Sally Jesse Raphael of mud wrestling, but the idea sounded nice to me! So that got me thinking...I need someone to have a beef with me. So naturally I went to my mental Rolodex, I scrolled through to my enemy list, only to find it nonexistent. Perfect. To Do List: Find/Make an enemy, Find/Make Up/Steal an Awesome/Intimidating moniker, Find/Make a Fancy Fighting Suit.

First up on the agenda, my outfit. Not that I don't want to go Nacho Libre on all contenders, because believe you me I totally do! It's just that I don't think it would be fair to scar your tender precious retinas with all my wobbly bits on display for all to ogle jostling around reminding you that you forgot to saran-wrap the jello jigglers before you left the house-that is unless I charged admission. So for the sake of you my sweet, potentially cheering audience, I have chosen to keep it classy and don a formal gown, frolic in the mud, and administer a mud facial-complete with a mud bath for the rotting gums-to the dirty girl that stole my baby's' daddy while I have her straddled in a full-body-pin. 4 points for a takedown. Back off you desperate Sally Jesse Raphael writers, I thought of it first.

I already have a friend named Jesse, he fixes my car. Does this Donkey fix cars?

2008-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

Mindi's fabulous get-up

Yes. I rocked a somewhat do-rag. The original grease monkey.

Action Shot!! Proof that I can indeed "work" on my own car.

Recent events have led me to beleive that I have no luck. Zero. Zilch. If it is true that bad things happen to good people, then I am the equivolent of Mother Theresa-which apparently according to this past weeks' indignant remarks that haunt my thoughts, and escape through my gabbing vocal orifice is so far fetched it makes Hitler look like Gandhi. I digress. I do have luck. Just not with things that require gasoline or a motor to evacuate where it currently resides.

Exhibit A. Driving down to conference last October of the 2007 calendar year, I had the great honor to be driving a 1-ton speeding purple bullet down the I-15. Right between Dubois and Hamer, Idaho. Such beautiful scenery. NOT. Especially while it is snowing snowflakes somewhere between the size of a rice cake and your face. It was about 2:30 in the AM-we were hardcore Mormons that night-and everyone else was napping. I was content jamming out and driving. That is until the car stutters, and a flashing orange light appears on the dash. The cruise control that I so delicately may or may not have set 3-4 MPH above the alotted speed constraints, had voluntarily shut itself off. Pansy. I very calmy awaken my slumbering navigator, and request her services to retreive the guide book about the car from the compartment of gloves. I tell her what the indicator looked like, and told her to find out what it meant. If anyone lacks knowledge about Dodge Durangos, I will enhance your knowledge with three facts: 1. It is a tank. So keep on truckin. 2. If ever a orange lightning bolt shows up, you should probably stop at the next available town and have that taken care of. 3. If that little indicator lightning bolt is flashing however, then you had better hope to the snow capped Rockies that you programmed Hooker's (the local Tow man-I kid you not his name is Hooker) emergency Tow number into your tellie.

They just keep on comin my friends.

Exhibit B: Went to Rexburg the weekend before Memorial Day. The ride there was pleasant enough. I trucked a 24 hour day, and come sugar or high energy bever to the age I was still gonna be relatively in a decent mood when I got there. I succeeded. The way home however, was not as glamorous. My cohorts and I pulled into Missoula to get gas at this super ghetto place. Friend number 1 cheerily navigating-which to me means not playing gay songs on the iPod and passing the sugary delicates to the master and commander, i.e.-yours truly. Friends 2 & 3 chattering in the rear something about being locked in their seatbelts and the inescapable sunshine. My vehicular must have a sixth sense of stranger danger, because as soon as we pull in, the check engine light comes on. Fan-fetchin-tastic. I get on the bugle horn, and call the Mother ship, to which she tells me to check the oil. I did as was told-with a homeless posse and their dog as an audience-but to no avail. Oil level and temperature was at appropriate everything. The Mother Ship then patched me through to the Command Center (my mechanically inclined-and reclined watching 'the game'-Padre) to which I send him my distress signal about some possible bad Idaho gasoline, and get the never appreciated, "There's nothing I or you can do. Drive home and we'll take care of it when you get home." Suuuuuuper. I am minorly OCD, and a light out of the norm that I cannot turn on and off is a pretty big deal. I enjoyed a quite stressful 4-ish hour drive back to Moses Lake.

Exhibit C: Later that week, my sisters inform me that something is quite possibly ary with my muffler. I shimmy mysef under, only do severly disappoint-and managed to snag myself on the undercarriage of my car. Yes, indubitably my muffler was broken and had to my great disapproval rusted in two.

Exhibit D: The NEXT DAY, I was driving my mom's car and was late to pick up Deidra, late to pick up my sister, and late to meet a newfound friend. Just all around late. Thus making me late to lay down blankets for a coveted "good seat" at the super fab Memorial weekend lip sync. Snatched Deidra from her house, then was ALMOST (nearly 2 blocks) to where LA Gear was, when I hear-and feel-a vibration. Not good. Pull up outside, to find that I had run over a razor blade and gained a flat tire-which was ridiculously hard to get off. Pardon the language, but honestly who the hell throws a razor blade onto the highway? Lucky me, said blanket sitters were also late :)

Exhibit E: Going down to the always awesome Grand Coulee Dam Lazer Light Show, The radio stopped working, just shut off. Nothing to do with the fact that we had no cell reception. Or the fact that the "back way/shortcut/fast way" we took was total two toothed raper country.

Exhibit F: I went to get my muffler checked out, and the lady told me that I needed rear brakes BAD. I trust women mechanics. I feel like we have a non-lesbian connection because we have more emotions unlike the majority of our male counterparts. So I go home, told the Padre, and began my exile to Grease Monkey Island. Which, thanks to the Orange-scented Pumice scrub for mechanics, isn't all that bad. Got on my grubbies, my sweat rag to fend off potential retina burning and cornia blinding salty beads of sweat, and my fancy coveralls that were embroidered for "Jim Bob", and my ship had set sail.

After changing my break pads, I decided it was time for me to graduate the same way I did when I was 4, from 4 wheels to 2. I want to learn to scoot my way about town on a motorcycle. Not that I want you all to start sending me flannel and wolf shirts-I have too many. I need boots now, so if any of you have any size 8's you're throwing out, think of me before you do. But I think it would be something cool to have in my arsenal of tricks and skills. But alas, apparently my dads two wheeler would need to be idot proofed with training wheels for me to be able to learn because it's apparently "too big for me". Since when did I become fragile and un-expendable? I want to learn how to scoot on 2 not 4 wheels, so what's the point? 4 wheels are so last season not to mention nerdy. Someone sign me up for a geek fair and get me a pocket protector stat.

Cheers Big Ears!!

Lighter Side-note

2008-05-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Oh and I got paid today. So all in all, I had a very lovely week. Not to mention, the Scattergories tourney which was amazing. Dippin Dots to you, and to all pineapple Jarritos.

This is one Apple who fell VERY far from the family stump

2008-05-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

This last Monday was Memorial day. Woot woot for all you Veterans out there, as for me I don't always look forward to this day. Right on, we are out of work and school temporarily. But in the Stoker household, we do things right. We have family reunions. Just some highlights from the extravaganza, my extended family might think I'm pregnant-my plate was heaping full...and I may or may not have gone back for seconds...don't judge. Also, a cousin-may have been the wife of a 2nd cousin-asked me what my last name was. I understand that I possibly could have been a Stoker at one point in time and have since snagged myself a honey and changed my last name, but the odds are that if you are at a STOKER family reunion, your last name was once or is still Stoker. So it doesn't really matter what your last name is. You're there. And you're related to everyone.

Tuesday. Went to a Seattle Mariners game. I just may be a closet Boston fan. I love that Manny Ramirez! It was a pretty exciting game, the starting short stop AND the coach for Boston both got ejected. Ellery made a new friend who I think flew there with his kid from Boston for the game. Thanks to Clinton, I now know what a "rally cap" is, and what it means to the supersticious super-fans. Whoever decided that it would be a brilliant idea to smother and soak everything in garlic and sell it to ravenous patrons in a highly dense crowd at a ballpark, should be drowned in liquified garlic. Remind me also next time to take my own bottle of water. Unless I just found my way back from being stranded in a desert or we are going through a serious drought, I refuse to pay $4.25-$4.75 for a 16.9 oz. bottle of Aquafina. I don't really give a rats scaly rear part how "fina" their "Aqua" is, I'm still not shelling out the lettuce. Next stop, save the fishes with all the water I'm not consuming.

Also at the game, there was a Boston superfan I would say, who kept yelling for Ichiro! I would understand if we were up close to the infield, perhaps maybe right behind the batter's box, but we were in right field, considering Ichiro is a center fielder and most likely doesn't care about you, he can't hear a word you are saying friend so stop trying. And there was a kind drunk behind us, who bought another beer for a totally plastered stranger because the ballpark wouldn't sell him anymore booze. Really? I know alcohol alters your state of mind and inhibits judgement and what not, but I had no idea it made you an idiot!!! He even came back and talked to his lady friend-who thinks mormons give everyone cancer, and thinks that someone shat (pooped) on her friend because apparently he smelled like fecal matter-about the somewhat of a good deed he had just done. Well done my friend, you just sent a flaming drunk on his merry way cup-o-frosty-cold-delight in one hand and car keys-with my luck-to a semi-truck that is soon to run me off the road. Many thanks pal, I applaud your good deed and open my wallet for the extra taxes I'm soon going to have to pay to fix the road barrier your hammered friend ruined. What a tool.

Cheers Big Ears!!

True Life and MTV's Made exclusive: LARP-ing. Hot? or Not?

2008-05-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, the entire Stoker Clan was home. And like any other family get together, something stupid happens. An "accidental" punch in the face, a rolled 4-wheeler, a snowmobile best-trick showdown, a socker bopper fight, obnoxiously doing things to a sibling purely because you know they hate it. All may or may not be done in good spirits, but more or less is fine holiday fun. LA-Gear (LauriAnn's stage moniker after the killer shoe brand) and I decided to go out for a joy ride to christen the new quad Dad had purchased so he and Mom could go 4-wheeling with friends. Now before I begin my saga, riddle me this-when did my parents decide that 4-wheeling was their favorite new outdoorsy activity, and when did they get friends to do it with?

Decked out in a lesbianne jacket (a lumberjack's plaid jacket worn by a girl, typically worn in our family to help fix things outside), a fighter pilot hat, and a red and black checkered hunters' vest, we embarked on a journey of a lifetime. We patrolled the creeks edge careful not to get sucked in, raced the fenced in poochies, raced Mindi and Brandt, traded spots, and began again. It was around this time that we decided to go out on a limb and try something new. Something that is hot on the scene right now. We decided to give LARP-ing a go. LA has seen competitions at Manito Park up in Spokane by her house, so we both knew what it was. I admit it. I am a nerd of sorts. Not quite nerd convention material, but LA and I could hold our own in a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings trivia showdown. So in honor of Lord of the Rings trilogy-which we love and watch the extended version all the time-we donned the characters we associated with the most. I, was the Dwarf-ironic I know, LA was the Elf, and we drove around running over tufts of bushes and many an accidental bramble, but what is an action/sci-fi movie without a bleeding cut right? On our jaunt through Middle Earth and the Ridimark, we encountered something horrible. Orc-like. I, captaining our vessel, and LA navigating, saw a skunk. Right then and there I dropped character and froze. I hesitated. I didn't want to scare the thing, bc I wasn't super excited about smelling like a skunk for a long time. Thankfully, LA came to our rescue, gunned it, and took us back home, where I confessed that had we gotten sprayed by that mangy varmit I would have skipped church. I took into consideration all of your tender senses and vulnerable noses, you're welcome.

Although I just made a complete fool of myself by sharing this insight to my nerdy mind, and probably lost the respect I worked SO hard to get, I wanted to put to rest the whisperings and rumors about the true life of LARP-ing and expose it for what it is: an expressive way for grown men to interact in each others imaginatory scenarios that lack access to dolls. I can knock it. I've tried it.

Tow the proverbial line "parents"!

2008-05-08T15:08:00.001-07:00

You call yourself a proud papa/mamma. A fat lot of good that Proud Parent of an Honor student bumper sticker does if your child is hit by a car! Do I have a child? No, still have a pretty regular sleeping schedule. Is my kid gonna be popular? Odds are not in their favor..poor little bugger. And will I be the proud parent of an honor student? Most likely not, but hey, at least my kid's will be smart enough to hit puberty-alive and without being physically maimed by a mode of transportation!

It has been brought to my attention that discipline in households worldwide are recently becoming more and more lax. I vehemently must protest the child rearing practices of today's liberal-tree hugging-dirt loving-tofu eating (I love granola so no offense) parents. It's called TOUGH LOVE! I grew up in a house that believed vegetables meant carrots and corn, Circus animal cookies aplenty, tofu was not even heard of, and my parents believed in spanking, using any means within an arms reach that could be used for discipline-moms' favorite was a spaghetti measuring paddle she had made for enrichment, thank you relief society I'll be sending you my therapists' bill. What is it about society today that makes parents say, "you know what? I trust everyone, I'm gonna let my kids do whatever they want." NOTHING IN THE NEWS TODAY PROVES THAT THOUGHT TO BE CORRECT IN THE LEAST BIT!!!!!

How many parents does it take to pack groceries? I'll tell you. I went to park at the grocery store yesterday and this little girl was just standing in the open parking spot me and my car were about to occupy, while her oblivious parental figures were BOTH loading the groceries in their car. I could have squished her like a bug in my monstrosity of a Nissan and they wouldn't have even cared. I have also heard many a tale of parents leaving young kidlets unattended in lines at the supermarket.

Whatever happened to those mommy and me bracelets? I hear they make them into cute and cuddly backpacks now, and are quite fashionable if you ask me. They come in many different styles. You could have an animal backpack that come as a unicorn, cow, frog, lamb, bunny, horse, etc., or one with reins!! I had one. They came in pretty handy during those plentiful Disneyland sabbaticals. I didn't love it, but I'm still alive and haven't been kidnapped. Phillip the hyper-hypo's mom had it right. Harness the menace to a jungle gym. Only with unrealistic hulk strength-which he gained after gorging on a chocolate bar-only then was he able to break himself-along with the entire jungly structure-free. See? She did things right.

Congratulations parents who have successfully raise your children to adulthood. You are a special few. This juice box is for you. SALUD!

The name's Mini. Mauve Mini.

2008-05-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)

Kallie Maxima

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Heath No Bake....makes me sound like a bad wannabe Betty Crocker!

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)

G-Sto

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Mauve Mini (for Mini Horse...which pretty much rocks)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Breyette Molake ( I just combined Moses and the Lake, hyphenated it just sounded ridiculously retarded)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)

Stogw

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

The Green Fuse...or Green Crystal...whichever one tickles your fancy, both quite divine on the palate.

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)

Ross Lee

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)

Nollie Skor

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )

Burton Lee. I am so undercover that I am a dude.

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)

Hansen Hollywood

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)

Summer Lily

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)

Raspberry Shorty. I am the infamous arch nemesis of the world renound Strawberry Shortcake, only I am 10x better than she could ever dream of being on a good day.

14. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)

Toast Corinthian Rose

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, weather element+ Tour")

"The Hair Rain Tour"

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies."-Steve Martin

2008-05-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

It may or may not be true, but I like to think of myself as quite the movie-goer. I may not have seen every movie available, and frankly I would not care to see every movie. But I've seen a few movies in my day, even from the early years, maybe I was a bum of a child, or maybe my mom didn't want to entertain me. But here is a list of my top 5 movies-in no particular order-that I watched, loved, and memorized-as a tot.

1.) Teen Witch (1989)

"Louise! Louise! Your mornin' paper, and I took the liberty of ironin' your homework."

This movie is glorious. It's about a girl named Louise, who isn't really popular. She then finds out that she is a descendant of the Salem witches and develops her powers when she turns 16. First, she uses her powers to get back at all the people who ever made fun of her, and to make the captain of the football team fall in love with her. But then she develops a conscience, and wants him to love her because of her not because of the spell she cast on him. Her mentor, is this really short kinda creepy old lady. If you haven't seen it, you are missing out on 80's cinema at its best.

2.) Kuffs (1992)

"Hey, a-hole! Yes, you. Look, if you're gonna jump, jump. Otherwise, use the bridge like everyone else. You're screwin' up traffic down there."

Think way back. Back before Christian Slater got picked up by the cops numerous times. Back when he made this incredible cinematic adventure. I possibly love this movie more than any other in the world. Packed with many a choice word, scandelous situation, and violence this is a real classy movie for all ages! I have no idea who's idea it was to ever let me watch this movie, but I fell in love and I'm not gonna lie I may or may not have slept with this movie. Eff captain cuddle bear, I snuggled up to Christian Slater via fulm tape. Here's the snyopsis. George Kuffs just lost his job, and his girlfriend who is still in college is pregnant. Since he can't see how he can support her, he thinks she is better off without him. So he visits his elder brother, Brad, to squeeze him for a loan so he can go to Brazil where there's a gold-rush going on. Unfortunately Brad is killed and George is suddenly the owner of Brad's "patrol special" district.

Because of this movie, Christian Slater was my very first crush. No matter how many felonies or misdemeanors he will always have a special place in my heart.

3.) Weekend At Bernie's (1989)

"How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive!"

I don't know who planned movie nights at my house, but they just kept getting better! Hey who let the 4 year old watch this? That's right my family. Blame that for my rockin upbringing. Richard and Larry are two best friends who discover that someone has been embezzling money from their company. When they inform their boss, Bernie Lomax, he is so apparently pleased that he invites then to his beach house for a weekend of fun and leisure and women. But when they arrive, they discover him dead! Richard wants to do the right thing and inform the authorities as quickly as possible, but Larry is determined to still try and have a weekend of fun and leisure and women. Not to mention there is a girl named Gwen in it!

4.) Spaceballs (1987)

"Checking in??"

"It's her Royal Highness' matched luggage!"

The planet Spaceball is running out of air and the planet's ruler President Skroob has devised a evil scheme, where he plans to steal the air from the atmosphere of planet Druidia. But Druidia is surrounded by a defense shield. When Druidia's Princess Vespa and her droid-in-waiting Dot Matrix flee from her wedding to narcoleptic Prince Valium, the evil commander of the Spaceball fleet, Dark Helmet captures Princess Vespa so King Roland will be forced to give them the access code to the air seal. But heroic space pilot Lone Starr and his sidekick, Barf (A Mog half man-half Dog) comes to Princess Vespa's rescue. With help from wise and powerful master of the magic ring "The Schwartz", Yogurt, Lone Starr, Barf, Dot and Princess Vespa set out to save Druida and foil Dark Helmet and President Scroob's scheme and prevent them from stealing the air from Druidia. This racy feature film rivals the directors' other movie Blazing Saddles for comedic gold!

5.) Happily Ever After (1993)

"YOU ARE DESPICABLE!...But you have a point."

Many a sick day were spent, curled up on the couch a big bowl of chocolate pudding in hand. The pudding always made me feel better. This is pretty much a reverse Snow White, but a classic nonetheless. The Evil Queen is dead and Snow White is on her way to see the 7 dwarves-who get captured. when Lord Maliss, the Queen's brother, sees her in the looking glass. He attacks her in the form of a dragon, taking Snow White's prince to the Realm of Doom. Enlisting the aid of the dwarves' girl cousins, Snow White must embark on a quest to save her true love.

Runners up: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and The Swan Princess

Cheers Big Ears!

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”-A. Whitney Brown

2008-05-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

Since I have been a blogging champ today, I shall continue. (for future reference this baby I mention does have a name. It's Caleb, I babysit him every day, he loves me) I took baby on a walk today, and on our jaunt, I saw a car with MASS amounts of bumper stickers on it. And this car has seen better days, and is probably being held together by these bumper stickers as we speak being that it is all the way from Virignia. Now I am never one to talk about politics, but this is one issue I cannot shy away from any longer. Vegetarianism. I don't judge those who are, but I will say this. I think you are ridiculous and why not go hard or go home and just do it to it and be a vegan. I love me some tube steaks (hot dogs), cow steaks, pig steaks, or chicken anything. Give me meat or give me death. You can keep your meat-eater-hater bumper stickers and eat your tofu for all I care, I am one healthy meat loving mammajamma.

On a side note. there are a few animals that I could do without. Namely one.Cats. Not all cats-Emily I like your cat Soprano-but pretty much everyone elses cats are Satan re-incarnate. Baby has a cat. I hate it. While I type this it is challenging me to a staring duel, but I will not give in. I choose to ignore it and hope it will leave me the bajeezes alone. Every time I am on the computer this cat will rub up against the monitor and turn off the screen!!! And today it decided to use the speakers as a rub-a-dub post and knocked them off the desk!! Then decides that it wants to broaden its horizons and read a fricken book and knocks that too off the desk. Not to mention this cat gets fed about 12 kibble morsels a day due to digestion problems. One day, it got a hold of some extra tuna a horked it ALL down, and spewed all over, yay me I had to clean it up. They shed, smother babies-according to mom, lick themselves, sleep all day-personally jealous of, and carry rabies. Only thing cats are good for is catching mice. or birds. whatever your infestation.

"I bruise like a grape"- Mo Rocca

2008-05-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am the most clumsy person ever. Actually I take that back, not clumsy. Stupid. It could be because I am so competative and put myself in situations to get hurt, maybe I have a target somewhere on my person saying "Yes, I can take pain like a man, kick me and find out.", or maybe people just hate me. I may never know. I am surprised that none of my latest adventures have landed me in the emergency room. But here are some pictures of my latest escapade at glow in the dark soccer.

Initially

Two Days Later

My Leg isn't THAT fat and swollen it just looks like it.

Maybe I should've bid on the ONE shinguard on ebay, what a bargain!

"We dare not trust our wit for making our house pleasant to our friend, so we buy ice cream."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

2008-05-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

If many of you look back at a previous post, I divulged a dirty secret. I have cornered the dating scene in the ward. Oh yes. It's true. Little Gwenny is all grown up and warding off potential suitors with one liner replies, no eye contact, and my candid ability to look right past their pocket protectors-protector and coke bottle glasses at more visually stimulating men-not to mention doing so with great hair and fabulous shoes. But nay, they don't care about the hair-or dare I even say the shoes. No. "F the hair, F, the shoes, I'de love you bald" their longing looks seem to say. I guess my dating strategy couldn't have been more wronger the last few years-funny wronger-shout out to testimony meeting. The last couple of FHE's have been interesting to say the least. I have been asked to ice cream on more than one occasion, by someone who turned down a promising football scholarship but got injured (bahaha), and who played 10 years of soccer, but failed to mention until asked to show a trick that he hasn't played since the 10th grade, mental note for all you single-hopeful-daters: NEVER EVER boast of skill if you have not played in a competative game in more years than you played total. Both times the potential love of my life asked me out to ice cream. What is it about ice cream?!?! I had a bishop at BYUI that told me to just go up to a guy and ask him out to ice cream, um ok A. NO way would I ever ask a guy out to ice cream- int he words of Emily- "I have a uterus, therefore you do the asking." and B. Why ice cream? Is there something that farmers put in the feed that makes cows produce some sort of mutated "magic" milk? Apparently there is something that was told during the boys' "Birds and the Bees" talk during those extra 15 minutes at recess. That something is that if you give a girl ice cream she will be putty in your hands. Ice Cream apparently is an aphrodisiac of sorts. Congratulations oysters you get to live longer, ice cream is the new sex drug of choice for serial daters and swingers.

I never thought I could say this about anyone, but I think I might be out of their league! Sorry, but I'm in the majors now slugger, you stay tough in tee-ball. It's a tough life, buck up, look alive and keep your eye on the target-which is not me!

Cheers big ears!

"If you cannot hide the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."-George Bernard Shaw

2008-04-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

After doing several hours of driving, I came home and to my complete and utter astonishment, found my Dad sitting at the table, apparently anxious for me to come home. Maybe it was wishful thinking that he missed me, maybe he just polished off a mid-afternoon snackaroo, or maybe he just longed for a decent conversation since I and my mom were partying elsewhere-and after a while the pets stop responding. My padre is never one to convey emotions. His behavior threw me for a loop for sure! This all is followed up by an in depth query about how my weekend went. Tender family moment, I know. All this lovey dovey family stuff was exhausting, so I did a little blog surfing. During my surf extravaganza, I happened upon a friends blog. She had blogged about her and her Dad fixing her dented bumper. Which took me back. Back to a...dare I say..better day? Better day doesn't quite capture the ambiance of the events. For those of you who don't know my dad, he's a burly feller, and frankly he has seen more limber days. A mans-man nonetheless, he likes to think of himself a Mr. Fix-it. And don't get me wrong he manages to fix things the proper way every now and then, but the rest of the time things are just jimmied, hammered, and epoxied into where they "should" or are "supposed" to fit. I have plenty of experience hours under my hammer-holding, wrench wielding tool belt fixing the fruits of my inexperienced driving labors, and the most fun I ever have is putting on gross sweats, my moms oversize clogs, and let's not forget the indescribable lesbian jacket. Aptly named because it makes you look like a very husky lesbian lumberjack. I usually look somewhere between a 15 year old Kurt Cobain and a dirty homeless person. But this experience doesn't come from me. It actually happened to Kalvin-the broseph de yours truly-but it has been recounted enough times that I know the events relatively well. (and for the sake of the story I will be referred to mostly in the 3rd person omniscient)

One Saturday, it was the usual schedule: Breakfast, Gwen mowing the lawn, and Kalvin and Dad tinkering in the shop. With the lawn freshly mowed, and a very dirty Gwen drinking some water at the kitchen table, a not too happy padre, followed by a hysterically giggly Kalvin walk through the door. They had been fixing a snowmobile or something, when a crucial part of some mechanism did not want to go to its home. Contrary to popular belief this was not pleasing to the padre. After about 15 minutes of no luck getting the part into its place, Kalvin and innocent bystander narrowly escaped having his cappa detated from his person by a rogue airborne snowmobile part. After chucking the part like a reluctant 3 year old, the padre walked over and proceeded to jump up and down on the part. (the best way I could even begin to describe the way he walked over to the part is to have you imagine Bette Midler's character in Hocus Pocus, when her and her sisters are walking down the street searching for their book) More often than not, we end up buying two of whatever we are fixing, because Round 1 ends up with Dad breaking the part trying to finagle it some way that it does not want to be contorted. And Round 2 is usually successful because dad knows what will and won't work. So trying to cause mortal harm to an inanimate object, he morphs into what Kalvin thinks resembles a monkey. In our family car fixing and vulgarity goes hand in hand, so naturally accompanying the loose zoo animal were a few choice words one might hear from an angry person.

Completely hilarious. My dad played sports in high school, but the only time I ever remember my dad doing anything remotely athletic was playing baseball at a family reunion like 10 years ago. But he saves a few tricks up his sleeve, and surprises me every now and then. Everything about that scenario I can imagine, but dad going ape on a car part? That's gonna take Dr. Suess! Oh the thinks I can't think!

Not to tarnish the padre, he truly is pretty awesome. No matter how irritated, or angry, or frustrated he makes me. I'm pretty sure (kidding I know) he hearts me and he would and has done everything in his power to give me the things I want...and to fix the things I break :) Sometimes I think I take for granted the things my dad does for me. I like to think I pay him back by annoying the bajeezes out of him, and making stupid comments. My jarb here is done. check please.

Cheers Big Ears!

"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid."-Heinrich Heine

2008-04-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Woot Woot. I got off early today! That was exciting, but you know what just elated me? Seeing a 1994-Dodge Grand Caravan with nice rims. Don't get me wrong, this old grocery getter was no clunker, but really? this kid-carting-mom-mobile is good enough to have better rims than my car? And these were not the snap on ones you get for like $20 at the local Wal-mart, these were after-market rims. I don't get it. This is the actual MAV with the dubs.

Pretty retarded right?

I want to give everyone a guided tour in my shoes for a couple interesting things that have conspired within the last year or so. And without further ado, I give you my top weirdest/randomest/stupidest/oddest things I've ever witnessed/done/or had happen to-in no particular order:

One day Michelle, Severin and I were in Safeway buying contraband to take into an already expensive movie, when we came across a GIANT box of Goldfish crackers. I looked and was utterly taken aback by how big this thing was. I mean I know kids love them some Goldfish, but seriously! I'd hate to be the cow that gave her milk so the billion crackers they stuffed in the box could say they had "real cheese" in them. So we go about our business and what not, and I go to work sometime in the next couple days and lo and behold the asinine-ly huge box of Goldfish crackers is there next to the seemingly weenie toaster compared to the Goldfish box winking me in the face.

On my way down to Utah from Rexburg one weekend, my friend Cassara were driving on I-15 and after stopping and a pretty shady gas station are on our merry way, I look over to see an old school Honda Accord with no drivers side door that had been patched up with duct tape and a clear garbage bag!!! I wish I had gotten a picture, but they were going too slow perhaps to ensure the drivers' safety which I don't know-one would think they threw out the window when they began driving this hazard on wheels to Utah.

Continuing on my affair with plastic garbage bags, I was getting my hair done at a hair school-which will remain un-named bc I think they do a pretty dandy job on my hair-but the girl took me to the hair dryer thing, and went off to fetch me a plastic wrap thing that is supposed to help with the highlighting-heating process. She comes back with a garbage sack in hand, and an apologetic look on her face. Apparently they had run out of the bag things, but a friend of mine who was with me sat in the dryer seat next to mine said that she got the normal plastic wrap thing just fine, so there I sat with a freakin garbage bag on my head for like 25 minutes for no reason. Lazy hair-dresser girl.

I am just on a roll today because as I was leaving baby's house, the neighbor-who is quite the old geezer if I do say so myself, was walking around his garage with I kid you not Red Marlboro sweat pants on. They were hot let me tell ya.

So LauriAnn and I went to the Japanese Gardens this last weekend and decided to take a few snapshots of ourselves-those I will post later. when we were leaving I had to use the bathroom, so I went into the facilities and you cannot tell me that when a handicapped stall is open that you don't take it! So I headed for that stall which was conveniently dead ahead, lock the door-because heaven forbid someone walk in on me at this deserted garden oasis, and proceed to go about my business, but before I got too far, I look in the corner of the stall and there is an eight-eyed hairy little bugger of a spider lookin' like he could eat a mid-sized baby hippo...which would about equal the size of yours truly. Since I figured nobody was around to hear my wail, or see my fear tears, I continued about my business not one second diverting my attention from that eight legged beastie. Needless to say I didn't kill it-though I should have-but I was wearing my nice flip flops and A. didn't want to get nasty spider goobers on them and B. didn't EVEN want to get close enough for the fanged thing to get a nibble in. Contrary to popular belief I am not a snack. This is the spider, the grey bit is the bottom corner of the stall.

Heres a fun one. I, Gwendolyn B. Stoker, officially have monopolized-cornered the market if you will-the Moses Lake Singles Ward.(If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't worry about it.)

And last but not least, to wrap up this session of my 9 lives, I will share my latest adventurous escapade. About three months ago, Elder Beck and I decided to concoct a list of awesome activites for future reference for the saturday activities or whoever was in need. After asking around and putting our heads together, Glow in the Dark Soccer was born. Aweomse? Yes. Exciting? Of course it was. Stupid? Probably. Dangerous? Pardon my french, but not just yes, thats a HELL yes. The first time we played, it was pretty good, we had a relatively decent turn out which was enough for each team to have about 4-5 players at any one time. The second time, there was a RIDICILOUS amount of people. Apparently people heard about our little slice of awesome that we had served up a mere 2 weeks before. Goes to show all you non-beleivers out there how rad Saturday activities really are. So we were running around, kicking the ball in peace our hearts filled with happiness and glee, until someone mistook what was once my shin for the GLOW IN THE DARK ball. Um....last time I checked I was not even close to resembling a glow worm! They don't even have legs! Anyway, Round 1 of Gwen vs. The Steel Toed Boot ended with a little bit of pain, a freckle of blood, but a rather oblivious to the pain me. Maybe it was the adrenaline pumping or the thrill of the hotties that were either chasing me or the ball, we will never know. Then comes Round 2 of Gwen vs. Girl in the Corner, which ended in agony, misery, and a little misty eye action for me. Some girl in the corner tried to weasel her way in and steal the ball from me, I was having none of it, until the toe of her tattered converse all star, had a meet and greet with my tender and vulerable achilles heel...or shin, what have you. I just collapsed onto the ball-hah she still didn't get it!-got up a few seconds later, thought I was ok, but then the actual pain and realization of what had just conspired hit me. I was a gonner. I walked myself out into the foyer sat on the couch, and looked and the mincemeat they had made of me. It was a geyser of pain, swelling by the milisecond. I had hopes people. I was gonna go pro at indoor soccer, but to have that all ripped away from you in one mere second with one swift kick of an ignoramous' un-skilled hoof of a foot, is just devastating. I will say I cried. I kept it in, until I saw the damage, but even then I tried to take it like a man-never let them see you cry, but despite my efforts I think a few people saw. It was bad. real bad. Here are some day by day pictures of the rest of the story.

T-2 hours since the incident

2 Days later

4 days after that...

1 week after the incident

And this my friends is my leg today, not quite healed...still a little pink, but hey it's progress!

Cheers Big Ears!

"For those about to rock, I salute you!"- Jack Black: School of Rock

2008-04-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

So being as this is only my 2nd blog ever, I am going to give everyone a little insight into the mind of me, Ernest B. World. lol kidding, but for those who loved those Ernest movies I salute you! and RIP Ernest you will forever be in my top 25 funniest movies!

ABC's of Me

A. Attached or Single- Sorry to disappoint all you eligible bachelors, but I am currently taken. Taken by one who is adorable, blonde, significantly smaller than I, wears Onesies, is half bald, and can't talk back-perfect!

B. Best Friend(s)- Someone wise once told me-or maybe I read their blog-but they said not to have all your friends in one circle, that way if one breaks your heart, you have other ones to heal your saddness.

C. Cake or Pie- I love the filling in pies, but I could do without the crust overhang, it's too much emptiness! It needs pie filling smothered on it too! So I choose cake. There are SO many delectable things you can do with a cake. Any way you make it, its still gonna taste pretty good. Oh, except fruit cake. That is one cake NOBODY should even know how to make!

D. Day of Choice- As of late, and as of me having to wake up early throughout the week, I have been loving sundays, not just because of the supposed spiritual upliftment that goes on at church, but you can sleep in, take your time getting ready, go home, eat something tasty you didn't have to help make, nap maybe, and go hang out with friends. All in a days work. or lack of.

E. Essential Item- Chapstick. You should always be prepared for action-whatever action that may be.

F. Flavor of Ice Cream-Ben and Jerry's makes a tasty concoction called Everything but the... and it literally is everything but the, good thing I like everything good!

G. Gummy Bears or Worms- they both are pretty much made out of the same stuff, be they dipped in sugary sweetness, or tangy sour salt stuff they are all bien in my book!

H. Hometown- Mo-Town!

I. Indulgences- I love shoes, not like Kiera Knightly who buys shoes not even her size bc they are just too cute, I buy shoes that I can actually wear and get complimented on, maybe I am just poor and can't afford to buy things not my size, but be that as it may, nothing makes me feel better than to buy an awesome pair of shoes.

J. January or July- Not a huge fan of January bc its cold, but I like the snow! July is hot, but I love fireworks. gotta take the good with the bad!

K. Kids - Some day when the right man with the right bone structure and incredible gene pool comes around, I would love to have some babies!

L. Last movie I saw in theatre- was Prom Night. I'm sorry for those of you who liked it. I however, thought that if I could have gotten a hold of that script before any of it was actually filmed, I would have an academy award on the bookshelf next to me. Not to toot my own horn or anything, I just think that had I had a part in the writing of this movie, it would have been that much better-top notch if you will.

M. Marriage Date- I got married a couple times at sadies, but I still like to keep my options open

N. Number of siblings- two sisters pretty awesome sisters, and two brothers

O. Orange or Apples- I like oranges, but I take about 30 minutes to peel it because I HATE the leftover peel, so I get as much of that off as I can-but beleive you me if I chomp down on a seed, ohhh that orange is done for! Trash Can-opolis from there! But sometimes you love an apple so much that you bite into the core of it, that is not awesome. Or they could be soft...so Oranges!!

P. Phobias or Fears- heights, deadly or overly hairy spiders, and I only recently found out that I am afraid of skunks. I panic and freeze-which is NOT OK!!

Q. Quote- It's a toss up between exhibit A:"Everything happens for a reason, some things fall apart, just so others may fall together, but in the end what's meant to be will always find a way." and exhibit B:"Sometimes the best people have the worst experiences because they are the most ready to learn"

R. Reason to smile- I'm staying home and going to bed early tonight! I sound like an 80 year old cat lady, but nay, I assure you 80 years of age is not in my near future.

S. Season- Summer! theres so much to do! my birthday, parties, and you can do anything you want outside!!

T. Tag- I've always kinda liked missionary tag. The thrill you get when you are being chased by a potentially good looking boy species is so invigorating! Not to mention the adrenaline rush of possibility hooking arms with a looker of a fella!

U. Unknown fact about me- my right foot is just a hair bigger than my left, it's not noticable to anyone else but me, and only when I wear heels.

V. Vegetarian or oppressor of Animals- someone very wise once wrote: "Vegetarian: an old Indian word for lousy hunter." Thank goodness for those gas station bumper sticker stands, they literally say it all!!!

W. Worst Habit- I don't know if any other households are like mine, but here, you have to fight to keep the food you purchase. You buy it, you had better hide it or its gonzo. It miraculously disappears seemingly within hours, even with your name wallpapered all over it. So I got into this habit of taking a bite out of, or licking all over something-of the food variety-I wanted, but not necessarily at that time, its kind of like saying dibs, or giving it a personal proof of purchase stamp that says to all who dare try and finish the remains of my partially nibbled apple fritter "My cooties are all over this, no touchie" In the beginning this always thwarted potential food vultures and scavengers, but not so much anymore. They apparently have already ingested my cooties that they think whats the harm in more? Thus my guaruntee that my fritter will be there in 4 hours when I am crazed with a craving for an oil fried-frosting soaked delight, is no more.

X. X-rays or Ultrasounds- ok, I don't know what I'm gonna do when I get pregnant and have an ultrasound bc I swear every time I see a mothers tummy ultrasound I can never tell what is what! I have previously mistaken the face for a foot! they look the exact same!!! All that being said, X-ray for $400 please Alex.

Y. Your favorite Food- Hawaiian Haystacks! They are tasty, delicious, AND nutritious!

Z. Zodiac- Cancer, which when I was little I hated because I thought that meant that I was gonna get cancer!

The Life You Wish You Had

2008-04-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday during "work", I was looking for something to watch on the TV, and I don't know if you know this but DirecTV has this channel called The 101. It's pretty awesome about 15% of the time- but thats only when this fabulous show called Rock and a Hard Place is on. It's basically Family Fued/any other game show between two Rock and Roll bands which is hosted by Meat Loaf-crazy right?!? AND all the winnings go to charity, yet another reason for it to be AWESOME! Sadly, only two episodes were on, and I was multitasking and doing other things which didn't involve any time to get up and change the channel. Come to find out, that sweet channel also shows soap operas in the afternoon.
Now I am not really one to get into soap operas by any means, but I'm pretty sure that ALL of us caught bits and pieces of them in our wee-years. My moms soap of choice was The Young and the Restless-sidenote I mean really how many times can Victor come back to life?!? I'm quite positive that he died when I was a tot, but he's STILL alive somehow! Anyway, this 101 channel shows one soap opera in particular pretty much all day, and it would be Passions. Talk about DRAMA! This show has everything! Love, Hate, Deceit, men subconsciously getting their girlfriends sisters' eggo preggo-AND BEING OK WITH IT!!, men getting their-for lack of better word without being vulgar- "happy place" cut off, and the Dr. being wasted and sewing it back on backwards and upside down which the sheer mechanics of something like that baffle me, Witches, two sisters named Pretty and Fancy, one crazy chick who is in love with Gwen's hubby Ethan-and yes her name really is Gwen and she is retarded-but not as retarded as her honeys stalker Theresa-who supposedly died, yet is still very much alive and stalking and has an illegitimate child by Ethan named Little Ethan. You would think a soap opera could afford to be a little less original, apparently soap operas also suffered from the writers strike. Also it has other names like Julian, Charity, Vincent, and Sheridan, not to mention the evil midget who is actually a doll. And did I mention that all of this happened in like 2 episodes? Man...and I think I caught an episode of this a few years back and this one guy was having a baby with his girlfriend which turned out to be his sister who's little sister was crazy in love with him. This show just keeps getting better and better!!! But I do beleive Jesse Metcalf got his start with this show-the hottie from John Tucker Must Die, and Desperate Housewives.
Watching this show and all the crazy that comes with it, made me reflect on my life and how I haven't even come CLOSE to doing all the things they get done in two episodes! Not that I would want to do any of those things. So after that giant intro to the actual subject at hand that was intended, I will share some fun-future-facts about my life in the next oh....5 years.

1.) I want to beat someone at something that I am actually good at. Sure, I played sports in high school, but I've never felt like I deserved to rub it in their faces that I won purely because of my awesome talent. And on top of that I want to have the game winning shot.

2.) This will probably never happen because I'm a weenie and would never do it by myself, but I want to live on the East coast. Change of pace, something new, all of the above. I'm not so sure I could ever pull off the Boho look, or even the Posh business woman look.

3.) Everyone always says they want to see the world. Not I. Parts of this world aren't awesome and I will house sit for you when you visit there, bring back a disease or a worm of some sort would ya? But somewhere exotic and unique? Maybe a safari in Afriva? I AM SO THERE!

4.) I want to be well enough off that I can buy something expensive with my Debit card-and not have it go on credit. It's not so much that I don't do well with my finances or anything, I just don't care! Some would class me as an inpulse buyer, I class myself as well dressed and fashinable...mostly.

5.) Like any girl, I want a huge closet. Not so much for my clothes, those can go in a dresser for all I care, but a huge closet for my shoes. mmmmm, shoes glorious shoes. Most women own 19-30 pairs of shoes, I don't think I've surpassed the 30 mark yet, but hey room for improvement right? And also a fun fact to know is that 51% of women have been seriously or moderately injured by shoes i.e. sprains and breaks. And adding to the aforementioned #4 I want to be rich enough to buy expensive cute shoes. Keep your Manolos, and your Jimmy's, I will hord all of the cute Michael Kors I can get my hands on! ugh and don't even get me started on athletic shoes!!Eat your heart out Imedla Marcos. (google her if you don't know who she is)

6.) Get a Masters Degree. This subject throws off the list of relatively material things, but hey I've got ambition, you might not have known.

Cheers Big Ears!