"If you cannot hide the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."-George Bernard Shaw

After doing several hours of driving, I came home and to my complete and utter astonishment, found my Dad sitting at the table, apparently anxious for me to come home. Maybe it was wishful thinking that he missed me, maybe he just polished off a mid-afternoon snackaroo, or maybe he just longed for a decent conversation since I and my mom were partying elsewhere-and after a while the pets stop responding. My padre is never one to convey emotions. His behavior threw me for a loop for sure! This all is followed up by an in depth query about how my weekend went. Tender family moment, I know. All this lovey dovey family stuff was exhausting, so I did a little blog surfing. During my surf extravaganza, I happened upon a friends blog. She had blogged about her and her Dad fixing her dented bumper. Which took me back. Back to a...dare I say..better day? Better day doesn't quite capture the ambiance of the events. For those of you who don't know my dad, he's a burly feller, and frankly he has seen more limber days. A mans-man nonetheless, he likes to think of himself a Mr. Fix-it. And don't get me wrong he manages to fix things the proper way every now and then, but the rest of the time things are just jimmied, hammered, and epoxied into where they "should" or are "supposed" to fit. I have plenty of experience hours under my hammer-holding, wrench wielding tool belt fixing the fruits of my inexperienced driving labors, and the most fun I ever have is putting on gross sweats, my moms oversize clogs, and let's not forget the indescribable lesbian jacket. Aptly named because it makes you look like a very husky lesbian lumberjack. I usually look somewhere between a 15 year old Kurt Cobain and a dirty homeless person. But this experience doesn't come from me. It actually happened to Kalvin-the broseph de yours truly-but it has been recounted enough times that I know the events relatively well. (and for the sake of the story I will be referred to mostly in the 3rd person omniscient)

One Saturday, it was the usual schedule: Breakfast, Gwen mowing the lawn, and Kalvin and Dad tinkering in the shop. With the lawn freshly mowed, and a very dirty Gwen drinking some water at the kitchen table, a not too happy padre, followed by a hysterically giggly Kalvin walk through the door. They had been fixing a snowmobile or something, when a crucial part of some mechanism did not want to go to its home. Contrary to popular belief this was not pleasing to the padre. After about 15 minutes of no luck getting the part into its place, Kalvin and innocent bystander narrowly escaped having his cappa detated from his person by a rogue airborne snowmobile part. After chucking the part like a reluctant 3 year old, the padre walked over and proceeded to jump up and down on the part. (the best way I could even begin to describe the way he walked over to the part is to have you imagine Bette Midler's character in Hocus Pocus, when her and her sisters are walking down the street searching for their book) More often than not, we end up buying two of whatever we are fixing, because Round 1 ends up with Dad breaking the part trying to finagle it some way that it does not want to be contorted. And Round 2 is usually successful because dad knows what will and won't work. So trying to cause mortal harm to an inanimate object, he morphs into what Kalvin thinks resembles a monkey. In our family car fixing and vulgarity goes hand in hand, so naturally accompanying the loose zoo animal were a few choice words one might hear from an angry person.

Completely hilarious. My dad played sports in high school, but the only time I ever remember my dad doing anything remotely athletic was playing baseball at a family reunion like 10 years ago. But he saves a few tricks up his sleeve, and surprises me every now and then. Everything about that scenario I can imagine, but dad going ape on a car part? That's gonna take Dr. Suess! Oh the thinks I can't think!

Not to tarnish the padre, he truly is pretty awesome. No matter how irritated, or angry, or frustrated he makes me. I'm pretty sure (kidding I know) he hearts me and he would and has done everything in his power to give me the things I want...and to fix the things I break :) Sometimes I think I take for granted the things my dad does for me. I like to think I pay him back by annoying the bajeezes out of him, and making stupid comments. My jarb here is done. check please.

Cheers Big Ears!

"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid."-Heinrich Heine

Woot Woot. I got off early today! That was exciting, but you know what just elated me? Seeing a 1994-Dodge Grand Caravan with nice rims. Don't get me wrong, this old grocery getter was no clunker, but really? this kid-carting-mom-mobile is good enough to have better rims than my car? And these were not the snap on ones you get for like $20 at the local Wal-mart, these were after-market rims. I don't get it. This is the actual MAV with the dubs.

Pretty retarded right?

I want to give everyone a guided tour in my shoes for a couple interesting things that have conspired within the last year or so. And without further ado, I give you my top weirdest/randomest/stupidest/oddest things I've ever witnessed/done/or had happen to-in no particular order:

• One day Michelle, Severin and I were in Safeway buying contraband to take into an already expensive movie, when we came across a GIANT box of Goldfish crackers. I looked and was utterly taken aback by how big this thing was. I mean I know kids love them some Goldfish, but seriously! I'd hate to be the cow that gave her milk so the billion crackers they stuffed in the box could say they had "real cheese" in them. So we go about our business and what not, and I go to work sometime in the next couple days and lo and behold the asinine-ly huge box of Goldfish crackers is there next to the seemingly weenie toaster compared to the Goldfish box winking me in the face.

• On my way down to Utah from Rexburg one weekend, my friend Cassara were driving on I-15 and after stopping and a pretty shady gas station are on our merry way, I look over to see an old school Honda Accord with no drivers side door that had been patched up with duct tape and a clear garbage bag!!! I wish I had gotten a picture, but they were going too slow perhaps to ensure the drivers' safety which I don't know-one would think they threw out the window when they began driving this hazard on wheels to Utah.



• Continuing on my affair with plastic garbage bags, I was getting my hair done at a hair school-which will remain un-named bc I think they do a pretty dandy job on my hair-but the girl took me to the hair dryer thing, and went off to fetch me a plastic wrap thing that is supposed to help with the highlighting-heating process. She comes back with a garbage sack in hand, and an apologetic look on her face. Apparently they had run out of the bag things, but a friend of mine who was with me sat in the dryer seat next to mine said that she got the normal plastic wrap thing just fine, so there I sat with a freakin garbage bag on my head for like 25 minutes for no reason. Lazy hair-dresser girl.



• I am just on a roll today because as I was leaving baby's house, the neighbor-who is quite the old geezer if I do say so myself, was walking around his garage with I kid you not Red Marlboro sweat pants on. They were hot let me tell ya.




• So LauriAnn and I went to the Japanese Gardens this last weekend and decided to take a few snapshots of ourselves-those I will post later. when we were leaving I had to use the bathroom, so I went into the facilities and you cannot tell me that when a handicapped stall is open that you don't take it! So I headed for that stall which was conveniently dead ahead, lock the door-because heaven forbid someone walk in on me at this deserted garden oasis, and proceed to go about my business, but before I got too far, I look in the corner of the stall and there is an eight-eyed hairy little bugger of a spider lookin' like he could eat a mid-sized baby hippo...which would about equal the size of yours truly. Since I figured nobody was around to hear my wail, or see my fear tears, I continued about my business not one second diverting my attention from that eight legged beastie. Needless to say I didn't kill it-though I should have-but I was wearing my nice flip flops and A. didn't want to get nasty spider goobers on them and B. didn't EVEN want to get close enough for the fanged thing to get a nibble in. Contrary to popular belief I am not a snack. This is the spider, the grey bit is the bottom corner of the stall.
  



• Heres a fun one. I, Gwendolyn B. Stoker, officially have monopolized-cornered the market if you will-the Moses Lake Singles Ward.(If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't worry about it.)
  
  


• And last but not least, to wrap up this session of my 9 lives, I will share my latest adventurous escapade. About three months ago, Elder Beck and I decided to concoct a list of awesome activites for future reference for the saturday activities or whoever was in need. After asking around and putting our heads together, Glow in the Dark Soccer was born. Aweomse? Yes. Exciting? Of course it was. Stupid? Probably. Dangerous? Pardon my french, but not just yes, thats a HELL yes. The first time we played, it was pretty good, we had a relatively decent turn out which was enough for each team to have about 4-5 players at any one time. The second time, there was a RIDICILOUS amount of people. Apparently people heard about our little slice of awesome that we had served up a mere 2 weeks before. Goes to show all you non-beleivers out there how rad Saturday activities really are. So we were running around, kicking the ball in peace our hearts filled with happiness and glee, until someone mistook what was once my shin for the GLOW IN THE DARK ball. Um....last time I checked I was not even close to resembling a glow worm! They don't even have legs! Anyway, Round 1 of Gwen vs. The Steel Toed Boot ended with a little bit of pain, a freckle of blood, but a rather oblivious to the pain me. Maybe it was the adrenaline pumping or the thrill of the hotties that were either chasing me or the ball, we will never know. Then comes Round 2 of Gwen vs. Girl in the Corner, which ended in agony, misery, and a little misty eye action for me. Some girl in the corner tried to weasel her way in and steal the ball from me, I was having none of it, until the toe of her tattered converse all star, had a meet and greet with my tender and vulerable achilles heel...or shin, what have you. I just collapsed onto the ball-hah she still didn't get it!-got up a few seconds later, thought I was ok, but then the actual pain and realization of what had just conspired hit me. I was a gonner. I walked myself out into the foyer sat on the couch, and looked and the mincemeat they had made of me. It was a geyser of pain, swelling by the milisecond. I had hopes people. I was gonna go pro at indoor soccer, but to have that all ripped away from you in one mere second with one swift kick of an ignoramous' un-skilled hoof of a foot, is just devastating. I will say I cried. I kept it in, until I saw the damage, but even then I tried to take it like a man-never let them see you cry, but despite my efforts I think a few people saw. It was bad. real bad. Here are some day by day pictures of the rest of the story.

T-2 hours since the incident

2 Days later

4 days after that...

1 week after the incident

And this my friends is my leg today, not quite healed...still a little pink, but hey it's progress!

Cheers Big Ears!

"For those about to rock, I salute you!"- Jack Black: School of Rock

So being as this is only my 2nd blog ever, I am going to give everyone a little insight into the mind of me, Ernest B. World. lol kidding, but for those who loved those Ernest movies I salute you! and RIP Ernest you will forever be in my top 25 funniest movies!






ABC's of Me



A. Attached or Single- Sorry to disappoint all you eligible bachelors, but I am currently taken. Taken by one who is adorable, blonde, significantly smaller than I, wears Onesies, is half bald, and can't talk back-perfect!



B. Best Friend(s)- Someone wise once told me-or maybe I read their blog-but they said not to have all your friends in one circle, that way if one breaks your heart, you have other ones to heal your saddness.



C. Cake or Pie- I love the filling in pies, but I could do without the crust overhang, it's too much emptiness! It needs pie filling smothered on it too! So I choose cake. There are SO many delectable things you can do with a cake. Any way you make it, its still gonna taste pretty good. Oh, except fruit cake. That is one cake NOBODY should even know how to make!



D. Day of Choice- As of late, and as of me having to wake up early throughout the week, I have been loving sundays, not just because of the supposed spiritual upliftment that goes on at church, but you can sleep in, take your time getting ready, go home, eat something tasty you didn't have to help make, nap maybe, and go hang out with friends. All in a days work. or lack of.



E. Essential Item- Chapstick. You should always be prepared for action-whatever action that may be.



F. Flavor of Ice Cream-Ben and Jerry's makes a tasty concoction called Everything but the... and it literally is everything but the, good thing I like everything good!



G. Gummy Bears or Worms- they both are pretty much made out of the same stuff, be they dipped in sugary sweetness, or tangy sour salt stuff they are all bien in my book!



H. Hometown- Mo-Town!



I. Indulgences- I love shoes, not like Kiera Knightly who buys shoes not even her size bc they are just too cute, I buy shoes that I can actually wear and get complimented on, maybe I am just poor and can't afford to buy things not my size, but be that as it may, nothing makes me feel better than to buy an awesome pair of shoes.


J. January or July- Not a huge fan of January bc its cold, but I like the snow! July is hot, but I love fireworks. gotta take the good with the bad!



K. Kids - Some day when the right man with the right bone structure and incredible gene pool comes around, I would love to have some babies!


L. Last movie I saw in theatre- was Prom Night. I'm sorry for those of you who liked it. I however, thought that if I could have gotten a hold of that script before any of it was actually filmed, I would have an academy award on the bookshelf next to me. Not to toot my own horn or anything, I just think that had I had a part in the writing of this movie, it would have been that much better-top notch if you will.

M. Marriage Date- I got married a couple times at sadies, but I still like to keep my options open

N. Number of siblings- two sisters pretty awesome sisters, and two brothers

O. Orange or Apples- I like oranges, but I take about 30 minutes to peel it because I HATE the leftover peel, so I get as much of that off as I can-but beleive you me if I chomp down on a seed, ohhh that orange is done for! Trash Can-opolis from there! But sometimes you love an apple so much that you bite into the core of it, that is not awesome. Or they could be soft...so Oranges!!

P. Phobias or Fears- heights, deadly or overly hairy spiders, and I only recently found out that I am afraid of skunks. I panic and freeze-which is NOT OK!!

Q. Quote- It's a toss up between exhibit A:"Everything happens for a reason, some things fall apart, just so others may fall together, but in the end what's meant to be will always find a way." and exhibit B:"Sometimes the best people have the worst experiences because they are the most ready to learn"

R. Reason to smile- I'm staying home and going to bed early tonight! I sound like an 80 year old cat lady, but nay, I assure you 80 years of age is not in my near future.

S. Season- Summer! theres so much to do! my birthday, parties, and you can do anything you want outside!!

T. Tag- I've always kinda liked missionary tag. The thrill you get when you are being chased by a potentially good looking boy species is so invigorating! Not to mention the adrenaline rush of possibility hooking arms with a looker of a fella!

U. Unknown fact about me- my right foot is just a hair bigger than my left, it's not noticable to anyone else but me, and only when I wear heels.

V. Vegetarian or oppressor of Animals- someone very wise once wrote: "Vegetarian: an old Indian word for lousy hunter." Thank goodness for those gas station bumper sticker stands, they literally say it all!!!

W. Worst Habit- I don't know if any other households are like mine, but here, you have to fight to keep the food you purchase. You buy it, you had better hide it or its gonzo. It miraculously disappears seemingly within hours, even with your name wallpapered all over it. So I got into this habit of taking a bite out of, or licking all over something-of the food variety-I wanted, but not necessarily at that time, its kind of like saying dibs, or giving it a personal proof of purchase stamp that says to all who dare try and finish the remains of my partially nibbled apple fritter "My cooties are all over this, no touchie" In the beginning this always thwarted potential food vultures and scavengers, but not so much anymore. They apparently have already ingested my cooties that they think whats the harm in more? Thus my guaruntee that my fritter will be there in 4 hours when I am crazed with a craving for an oil fried-frosting soaked delight, is no more.

X. X-rays or Ultrasounds- ok, I don't know what I'm gonna do when I get pregnant and have an ultrasound bc I swear every time I see a mothers tummy ultrasound I can never tell what is what! I have previously mistaken the face for a foot! they look the exact same!!! All that being said, X-ray for $400 please Alex.

Y. Your favorite Food- Hawaiian Haystacks! They are tasty, delicious, AND nutritious!

Z. Zodiac- Cancer, which when I was little I hated because I thought that meant that I was gonna get cancer!

The Life You Wish You Had

Yesterday during "work", I was looking for something to watch on the TV, and I don't know if you know this but DirecTV has this channel called The 101. It's pretty awesome about 15% of the time- but thats only when this fabulous show called Rock and a Hard Place is on. It's basically Family Fued/any other game show between two Rock and Roll bands which is hosted by Meat Loaf-crazy right?!? AND all the winnings go to charity, yet another reason for it to be AWESOME! Sadly, only two episodes were on, and I was multitasking and doing other things which didn't involve any time to get up and change the channel. Come to find out, that sweet channel also shows soap operas in the afternoon.
Now I am not really one to get into soap operas by any means, but I'm pretty sure that ALL of us caught bits and pieces of them in our wee-years. My moms soap of choice was The Young and the Restless-sidenote I mean really how many times can Victor come back to life?!? I'm quite positive that he died when I was a tot, but he's STILL alive somehow! Anyway, this 101 channel shows one soap opera in particular pretty much all day, and it would be Passions. Talk about DRAMA! This show has everything! Love, Hate, Deceit, men subconsciously getting their girlfriends sisters' eggo preggo-AND BEING OK WITH IT!!, men getting their-for lack of better word without being vulgar- "happy place" cut off, and the Dr. being wasted and sewing it back on backwards and upside down which the sheer mechanics of something like that baffle me, Witches, two sisters named Pretty and Fancy, one crazy chick who is in love with Gwen's hubby Ethan-and yes her name really is Gwen and she is retarded-but not as retarded as her honeys stalker Theresa-who supposedly died, yet is still very much alive and stalking and has an illegitimate child by Ethan named Little Ethan. You would think a soap opera could afford to be a little less original, apparently soap operas also suffered from the writers strike. Also it has other names like Julian, Charity, Vincent, and Sheridan, not to mention the evil midget who is actually a doll. And did I mention that all of this happened in like 2 episodes? Man...and I think I caught an episode of this a few years back and this one guy was having a baby with his girlfriend which turned out to be his sister who's little sister was crazy in love with him. This show just keeps getting better and better!!! But I do beleive Jesse Metcalf got his start with this show-the hottie from John Tucker Must Die, and Desperate Housewives.
Watching this show and all the crazy that comes with it, made me reflect on my life and how I haven't even come CLOSE to doing all the things they get done in two episodes! Not that I would want to do any of those things. So after that giant intro to the actual subject at hand that was intended, I will share some fun-future-facts about my life in the next oh....5 years.

1.) I want to beat someone at something that I am actually good at. Sure, I played sports in high school, but I've never felt like I deserved to rub it in their faces that I won purely because of my awesome talent. And on top of that I want to have the game winning shot.

2.) This will probably never happen because I'm a weenie and would never do it by myself, but I want to live on the East coast. Change of pace, something new, all of the above. I'm not so sure I could ever pull off the Boho look, or even the Posh business woman look.

3.) Everyone always says they want to see the world. Not I. Parts of this world aren't awesome and I will house sit for you when you visit there, bring back a disease or a worm of some sort would ya? But somewhere exotic and unique? Maybe a safari in Afriva? I AM SO THERE!

4.) I want to be well enough off that I can buy something expensive with my Debit card-and not have it go on credit. It's not so much that I don't do well with my finances or anything, I just don't care! Some would class me as an inpulse buyer, I class myself as well dressed and fashinable...mostly.

5.) Like any girl, I want a huge closet. Not so much for my clothes, those can go in a dresser for all I care, but a huge closet for my shoes. mmmmm, shoes glorious shoes. Most women own 19-30 pairs of shoes, I don't think I've surpassed the 30 mark yet, but hey room for improvement right? And also a fun fact to know is that 51% of women have been seriously or moderately injured by shoes i.e. sprains and breaks. And adding to the aforementioned #4 I want to be rich enough to buy expensive cute shoes. Keep your Manolos, and your Jimmy's, I will hord all of the cute Michael Kors I can get my hands on! ugh and don't even get me started on athletic shoes!!Eat your heart out Imedla Marcos. (google her if you don't know who she is)


6.) Get a Masters Degree. This subject throws off the list of relatively material things, but hey I've got ambition, you might not have known.


Cheers Big Ears!