The Anatomy of a Sneeze

Whenever I think of sneezes, and blessing people after they sneeze, I am always taken back to Dane Cook's comedy bit about when the guy next to him sneezes on him. Naturally Dane says, "God Bless You." So the Sneezer says, "Actually, I'm Athiest." They then begins to debate about religion, and reincarnation specifically and how the Athiest wants to come back to Earth as a tree. Dane then says, "I hope one day you're in the wilderness, some huge sweaty Lumberjack comes along and hacks you down, throws a chain around and you get drug throught the mud and the muck, tossed into some sawmill where they chop up into tons of little pieces, ground into pieces of paper, and then I hope they print the Bible on you."

Now let's bring this full circlelately at work I've been what I like to call "on the phones" taking "calls". Today I took a call, and this lady sneezed into the phone, usually I ignore things like that because they distract me from my job, anyway the Lady immediately said and I quote, "Bless Me." Wow...isn't that my job to "bless you"? By doing that, she put me on the expressway-the HOV lane if you will-to my job being done for me. Thank you ma'am for being a valued customer and making my job that much easier. No, YOU have a good day now-I insist.

I'm a little Verklempt...a chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea-discuss amongst yourselves...

Sooo....I have some good news!!!!! It's a boy!!!!!! kidding kidding...but it was funny, no? I mean considering I haven't blogged for some time, and most people who read this, haven't seen me in a few months, so for all you readers know, I got knocked up and moved to Utah. But no, that's not the case.

I do have good news though! I am officially graduating from training at work tomorrow!!!! I'm so happy I could cry!!!!! I don't even think I was this excited to graduate from High School!!! How sad is that?!?! I was there for 12 years longer! But as a special "Thank You", my trainers are throwing me a pizza party! I say me, because I'm pretty sure I am almost the only one with perfect attendance. Impressed? Take a number!! Cuz I am too!!! But starting Thursday I get to half-way officially start my job. I start "on the job training", which is better than regular training, but not as monotonous as my real job. So it has its perks.

Second motion of business, did anyone watch SNL last weekend? SO FUNNY! I mean Justin Timberlake is funny, but last weekends show was just INSANE! This is my favorite-favorite appropriate-sketch from last weekend enjoy!! Sorry it's so small!!! Somebody at Hulu is gonna get fired over that, and I mean this!!

Mooooo-ve it!

So I got a text from my sister this week with a picture of our new cow, asking me to name it. After a little thought and hesitation I threw out some names: Moo Jackman, Dwight Moo-te, Jim Cowpert, Darth Utter, and Slim Jim-because it's ironic-thus funny. Obviously my family wasn't-as excited as I was at these new-cow-names. You want to have a say and maybe a steak when he goes bye bye? Then leave me a ditty in the comments for your name ideas because I'm fresh out. The last one was Moo Heafer-like Hugh Heafner heh heh.

Next order of business. I don't know how many of you know this...but moving SUCKS! Moving in sucks, moving out sucks, heck even looking for a house sucks!!! I live in a 3 story walk up-it's nice, I would even hinge out to say that it is rather quite nice if I do say so myself, and moving in was harder than getting into college. I've never hated a TV or comfy couch before in my entire life, or even boxes of food, than when I had to hoof them up those 3 flights of stairs. Out of shape I may be, but that's just torture!!! Everyday is a dread when you have to go get the mail, because no matter how used to "the thin air" you are (that's what I blame being out of breath on), you are never quite the same when you walk back up. Makes me feel like I'm so big I won't fit through my doorway when I FINALLY huff and puff my plump little tush up those stairs!! But don't you worry, I feel a WHOLE lot better when I get in the door and stuff my face with as many cookies as possible. My current P.R. (personal record) is 7 of those Elf cookies. They're definately good motivation to actually go back upstairs.

Right now I'm looking for a place around Salt Lake, and lemme tell ya, the only things I see are dumps! I could live in the junk out on Broadway and be classier than these. And top 4 things I wish I knew before I moved:

1: take only what you need to survive. No, you don't need every curling iron you've ever owned...or your industrial strength blowdrier-I had to throw that in.

2: which floor I live on

3: how heavy is my junk

4: how many roommates can I make carry it in for me.

True Life: The Office

As many of you might not know, I am now currently employed. Yay me! It sucks right now because I'm in training for the next 18 weeks...awesome. NOT. But as entertainment for my everyday, I have figured out that everyone always says that the place they work in is just like The Office. There's always a Jim, a Pam-not necessarily together, a Creed, an Andy, an Angela, and a Toby. I am no exception. I have taken note that I currently have: a Jim, a Meredith, a Phyllis, an Andy, a Stanley, an Angela, and a temp (Ryan).

I sit by Angela. She is the Queen of oversharing...and awkward nose blows in my ear ewe.




My Stanley is quite a bit more upbeat, but he talks the same way...and still loves pretzels.

My Meredith...well she is just as negative, and just as much a redhead...without the booze and the flashing and inappropriate-ness...that I know of.

My Andy, I actually like him. He always volunteers. Go you and Go Cornell.

Oh my Phyllis. My sweet sweet Phyllis. I actually don't know her name, she isn't in my training class, but I always see her on break when I come back from lunch a-knitting-away on some pot holder lookin things. She's a winner...and she got a winner. Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.

I am on the fence about my Jim...I don't really interact much with him...but he's funny. And he laughs at my jokes. I guess what's not to like!!!
I couldn't decide if I was Kelly or Jan. Kelly is way more annoying than I, so I went with Jan because she's hotter. Everyone wants to be the hot one at the office right? Well, hot one quit, so I mean I GUESS I could take up that office for her, I mean twist my arm...

I saved my favorite for last. I also sit next to Professor Norton Nimnul from The Rescue Rangers for those of you aged enough to have enjoyed this specimen. He looks just like him...but with more hair and more of a full beard goin on. He keeps me entertained during long boring days. I had a conversation with him today about Harry Carey on SNL, I about fell off my chair when Professor Nimnul asked me if I were a hot dog, if I'de eat myself. Oh the joys of My Office.

P.S. I have an Oscar too, but I'm almost positive he's not gay. Like 89%.

The Hollyward

What's church like in Utah? Well it's pretty fantastic. Full of celebrities. Impossible? NOT EVEN! These crazy things happen, and my friends lucky for you and your entertainment, these things happen to me.

My first week in my ward, I noticed a couple boys in particular looked strangely familiar to me...after a few minutes I knew why. They were celebrities. Or...their stunt doubles at least. First off we have Ethan Embry. Some of you know him as Reese Witherspoon's gay friend Bobby Ray in Sweet Home Alabama, some as the desperate boy Preston (Prestone) from Can't Hardly Wait. (See also: White Squall and Can't Hardly Wait)




This is his stunt double. Looks quite like him no?




Next-and the best match in my opinion-is Keanu Reeves. Some of you know him as Neo in The Matrix trilogy. Some others as Officer Jack Traven in Speed, but I know and love him as Ted Logan, best friend to Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and as Special Agent Johnny Utah opposite Patrick Swazye in Point Break.

Here is the example from my ward. Pretty close, no?

There are a couple more of celebrity look-a-likes in my ward, but alas...we aren't friends on facebook so I don't have access to any of their pictures, bummer. But I will tell you who they look like!!! One girl, looks like she could be Adele's sister-twin even!. We also have an Andy Samberg. Same kind of features, he's my favorite ;).

Just because you Move, Doesn't Mean the Scenery Changes.

I don't know if you know this, but Utah is a bit different than Washington. The driver's for instance think they are Miley Cyrus and have the best of both lanes. I submit that that is not true. I own that other lane and I charge rent thanks.

As radically different those two states are, the singles wards are basically the same. I'm not talking they have the same gospel principles or that they do things the same everywhere you go, I'm talking they all have their share of crazies. Maybe I'm just the common denominator and crazies will follow me wherever I go, or I just notice it more often than most. I'm sure that most of you have sat around a campfire or been joined with me in the bonds of a holy cuddlefest and shared the glorious stories of our testimony meeting experiences. But I have a doozy to share with you-my audience.

Once upon a time, a girl got up to bear her testimony. She proceeds to say that what if the church isn't true? What if all we are taught is a lie? (about this time I am thinking that she is going to be burning in hell come tomorrow) then she's flip flops by saying that it doesn't matter if it's true or not because of the feelings that it gives you. (this time I'm thinking...uh yes, that means it's true because that'd be the Holy Ghost telling you it's true you nutbag) Then she goes on to say that it's true what they say in that Country song "There's gotta be somethin More" by Sugarland, then she proceeds to sing it. Yep. She did it. She soloed during a testimony meeting. Soloed a Country ditty no less!!!!!!!! I immediately put my head down and started to giggle. Meredith looked around and NOBODY else was laughing or even cracked a smile. So either we are extremely inappropriate and rude, or this is a regular occurance. I would really like the latter to be the truth, but who knows. At least she had a decent voice or it would have been even more painful to bear!! The sad thing was, we had no idea or even suspected that she was nuts! I guess it's true: Don't judge a book by it's cover because it might try to eat you like that one carnivorous book from the Pagemaster-the lesser known Macaulay Culkin movie.

Lie to Me Like you Love me!

Being jobless makes me feel...inadecquate, boring, and lazy. But not for lack of trying. I have been to a few interviews...with nothing to show...yet. But that doesn't stop me from sweating like a hooker in a confessional all the way there and during the interview. Nerves are like jimmies on store bought cookies. You hate 'em but you don't have any choice otherwise because you really want that cookie.

Interviewing is torture. You have to sell yourself, pretending to be something you're not so that you can get a job you don't want so you can get money you do want to pay bills you don't want to pay. It's an ugly vicious cycle. I am no show dog, and during the interviewing process I feel like a mutt amongst the pure-breds. I can never jump high enough, run fast enough, have a coat silky enough, have nice enough teeth to be the Best in Show (I have been watching the Dog Shows along with Lifetime). The questions they ask I swear are configured to make me look a bumbling fool. The clincher: Tell me about yourself. All I want to say is "Me scared. Just wet my pants. I want mommy." Sad to say, that's not exactly the answer they were looking for. Too oft have I gotten the email that says we have narrowed the candidates and you are not among them. A.K.A. You suck as a person and will fail at everything you attempt. It makes me feel like sunshine dust every time I read those.

Someone wise once told me the best thing to do in an interview is to lie. I quite a skilled liar. But there are some character qualities that I'm PRETTY sure they will know you don't posses after a while. I can lie my way out of who ate the last Twix, who used the last of the milk, who broke that? Do you want to know who it always is? It was the Show Dog, in the bathroom, with the floss that's who.