Nerdtopia

The Nerdtopia of this last week, was the movie theaters. Everyone and their niece is blogging about Twilight coming out. Read the book? Check. Became a closet superfan? Check. Guess who's a nerd!! THIS GIRL!!!

My ceiling looks like a Mistletoe farm!

I'm feeling philosophical as of late. And as a one who is the sole occupant of a cold Queen bed, I have been thinking. Everyone always wants to know what women want-even Screw What Women Want, I am one so that question is irrelevant. The question here is what do men want? Such a fickle thing is man. As the Katy Perry once said, "you're hot then you're cold."



YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY!!! YOU CAN BE MY HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! All for the gauranteed low price of FREE!!!



I am beginning to think that those Pontapee brothers had it right. If you want a cook and clean, you gotta steal her from her pa and all those other suitors. Don't get ahead of me now, I'm not writing this so I can be your getaway-stagecoach driver. You leave those Sobine women/men alone and lend me your peepers, and if you want feel free to grab a Bic and take notes.



These tips aren't gender specific so don't you worry. I won't hold it against you if you don't give heed to my tips, just don't punch me when I say I told you so.



1. Everyone, I don't care what they say, wants to date the entertainer. Someone who makes them laugh.



2. Everyone wants to feel understood. No Debbie Downers here. Understanding is a blanket word, which entails being positive, and no criticizing.



3. Everyone wants some degree of physical attraction. No Question.





It seems like I had a lot more tips than that...but apparently the Gospel of Dating According to Gwen is 3 rules simple. Fun, Understanding, and Attraction. Any Questions? If you think I missed something...feel free to abridge the Gospel According to Gwen. I won't mind. All I ask is that in doing so, you leave me someone under the Mistletoe.

"Oh sexy American Giiiirlfriend!!!"

Listen up kids. This is monumental. Nay, it's...blog-worthy. You know you live a sad life when something tragic and dreadful happens to you and immediately you think to yourself..."hey you know what? This would make an awesome blog post!!!" or "This sucks. I'm gonna blog about this." Well today this is true. Actually....every blog post is inspired by real life events. Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes, events in factual stories have been exaggerated-naturally-so if you were present for said event and don't remember something happening, then you should go eat a bowl of hair, cuz you're a dummy because it did...(in my mind!!!)



Today's blog subject grew on me. At first I just thought of it as a creeper who liked to watch me...which actually is not out of the norm of this girl's everyday. You think you learn stuff at school? Well kidlets, play a little hookie with me for one day, float with me on the rainbow express (formerly my Nissan Maxima) for a journey that will take us through the Rocky Road Valley (Rocky Ford Creek), past Bubble gum Junction (Soap Lake/Ephrata Junction), to a magical place called Awesomeville (Ephrata, WA), Population: 2. You+Me. Actual population: 6,808. I call this the exodous.



I need to clarify some newsie lingo for you. A Rack, does not involve cup size, porn stars, meat, storage, or firearms. It involves 2 quarters, a stack-no B&T (band and toss) here-of papes (papers), and a busy place. Like...oh....a Chevron gas station for example. My mommala has a rack there and it is my duty as a sub (substitute) to switch them out every day.



Sidenote: Since the Newspaper is such a classy establishement, I tend to dress up. I put on a bra. Thus making me sickeningly overdressed compared to the rest of the posh dames I come in contact with at this swanky paper printer. Ninja bun and all, I throw on a sweater and tennis shoes and hit the Yellow Brick road on the Rainbow Express.



No cares. No boss. No makeup. I look hot. Every Day. Drop dead gorgeous. People stare. I can't decide if it's good staring or appalled staring.



I digress. Faithfully, every day the owner of one of the gas stations I frequent and...uh...service?....comes out and stands there. Usually involving stareage of some kind aimed in my direction. As good as that must feel to be stared at, the only ones who can truly sympathize with me are either dead, or a water buffalo.

Stalk this bucko! I'll give you a fake engagement ring in the face!!!

I know someone, who knows someone, that met someone famous. That someone is ME!!!!!!!!!

This past weekend, I helped my Madre work the concession stands for the 1A Regional Playoffs. A couple of teams I took note of were: Lakeside-only because they had an uber hott injured player that I took a liking to, and Gonzaga Prep. Gonzaga Prep isn't too shabby. We played them a few years back and took them to the cleaners, shocker I know but Mo-town Football used to be worth the $5 they charge to spectate.

I'm not really clear about the rankings or stats of Gonzaga Prep, but this I am clear of. I was in the presence of Royalty. Yes. Saturday, November 8, 2008 I saw John Stockton. The very John Stockton who is the NBA All-Time-Leader in steals and assists. John Stockton who played in 9 consecutive NBA All-Star games. Utah Jazz John Stockton. (Not sure if those factoids are still valid, but I don't care) He lives in Spokane, and his nephew is The QB for Gonzaga Prep.

He came up to my window, and I served that Bad A a Hot Dog. It was a good day.

It's Baby Mania Up In This Piece!!!

It seems that the Columbia Basin is in a little bit of a pickle. A Baby Boom of sorts. Babies being born left and right-sometimes 2 at a time!!! It's utter madness!! Mayhem! Chaos even! On the bright side, these babies are almost THE cutest cutest things I've ever seen. I will explain why I say almost a little bit later.


About a month ago, driving past a gas station I vocally took note of how proposterous the price of gas was, and that if it ever dipped lower than $3/gal. I would make a baby with someone. I am well aware that intentional baby making is no joking matter, I honestly did not think gas would EVER beat me at limbo. I mean I'm no Gumby, but I am quite limber and bendy; but man gasoline took the whole "how low can you go/limbo" thing a little too literal.


I was floored-losing at limbo pun intended-when I saw gasoline at a lean $2.99 a mere 2 1/2 weeks later!!!!! Now gas is down to about $1.97 here in the Babyville, and since I have let many promises and threats go unanswered, this is one that I will keep. I. Gwendolyn Breyette Stoker. Will make a baby. In fact I will go ahead and do it right now just so all of you can bear witness that I have made true on my pact. Actually I will do you one better, or 10 to be specific. I took it upon myself to make hypothetical virtual prodigy's of yours truly and the finest male specimens I could find photographial documentation of on Google. Here are my top 10 Gwen/Celeb Hybrid Babies:


10. Gwen+ Freddie Prinze Jr.

9. Gwen + Mr. Rhode Island (from Cosmo 20 Hottest Bachelor's Ever sorry he's so pixelly)

8. Gwen + Mr. Ohio (See source from previous Baby Daddy)









O-HI!!!!-OH!!!!!!!!

7. Gwen + Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl)

Ok this is probably the best example of a child-cute right? Both parents obviously well represented in his genetic make-up-and looking stellar might I add!!!

6. Gwen + Usher

My confessions are that this baby would look fabulous in the club.



5. Gwen + Tyson Beckford

Model. Idiot?

4. Gwen + Zav Efron

Thought he get prettier or have better hair? Well think again, because.....he. just. did.

3. Gwen + Cam Gigandet

2. Gwen + James Franco




Who knew Baby Green Goblin would be so adorable?!!?!?

1. Gwen + Stephen T. Colbert

Proof that "we belong together".

Honorable Mentions: Patrick Dempsey, Kellan Lutz, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Not to toot my own horn and be a proud Mamma, but 'toot toot' Now do you see why I said other babies were almost as cute? I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labors-once again double pun intended-because they took me forever to put on here. 9 months to be exact.

P.S. Don't you worry about the appearance of buck teeth. You better believe that my babies won't have beaver teeth come hell or baby braces!!!

That Blasted "Great Pumpkin" stood me up...again

Halloween this year wasn't a total bust. Family crisis=nothing new. Sisters coming home and stamping their absolute approval on my costume=awesome. My Halloween as a (Barbie) Rocker Chick went quite well. I went Gwen Stefani on my hair and did a ratted pompadour down the middle and twistied the sides. As far as make-up goes. I'll just have you know that it was awesome.

I'm glad the election is over. As much as I say that I completely despise politics, I have decided that I actually like them. I don't like the analysts on TV that nit-pick every little detail about each candidates campaigns. I do, however, like talking politics with knowledgeable friends. Just because I'm confused as to the definition of imcumbent and pundit, doesn't mean that I'm a bumbling hick. I know what I believe, and I believe that I have a strong moral compass and a mind for ethics. Sarah Palin, my phone awaits your call. Palin-Stoker 2012. Give Girls a Whirl-Vote Me. Don't bother waiting on hold with NSA, I have no interest in being VP of the continental U.S....that doesn't work well with my plans for world domination.