For 21 years, I've been living a lie.

Over these last few weeks, I've been bombarded with crazy. Whether it be the testimony of the kidnapped and tortured, or whether it be the once again love of me by a weirdo-WHO HAS A GLASS EYE-that goes unrequited. But believe it or not. It gets better. I try to mind my business in the singles ward. I have a routine. I sit by the same person every Sunday. I talk to the same people every Sunday. I waste time and dilly dally all the way to Sunday School so my ADD self doesn't have to sit through the entire borefest every Sunday. I have the same internal stuggle every Sunday whether or not to suffer through Releif Society-with that one there I know I'm not alone. I get disgusted by the same people-yet they switch it up on be and disgust me in different ways, but it all has the same typical outcome=disgust and continued ignoring.

However, these last couple Sunday's have thrown me off my "routine" game. My attempt to dilly dally was sabotaged by my "new" visiting teaching companion. Who-despite being in the SAME WARD with her since I graduated high school-i.e. 4 years ago, and also despite introducing myself to her 4 times at her request-DOES NOT KNOW ME. I mean I'm kind of important. I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily a "big deal" (yet), but people know me! I did Saturday Activity announcements for 6+ months! I semi-regularly attend institute, and usually they re-introduce everyone every week. How can this be??? Am I not remember-able???

I think I have found the reason. I, Gwendolyn B. Stoker. Am not Gwendolyn B. Stoker. My name apparently is Kimberly. Name change? No. Switched at birth? Probably. Twice I have corrected people for calling me the wrong name. Usually it's Kimberly. My family always said I was adopted and looked like the milk man...Mr. Milkman do you by chance have a daughter named Kimberly?

Old McDonald had a Dog; E-I-E-I-O

Once upon a time, Momma Stoker was given an ultimatum-she doesn't like dogs-Either we get a dog, or she goes. That dogs name was Beazer. Much to Mom's dismay, but to us kids' chagrin. 15 thoroughly enjoyed years later, Beazer is paddling around the chocolate river in heaven, complete with chocolate Costco muffin clouds and chocolate covered macadamia nut tasties. Beazer, not one to ever turn down a chocolate anything, was always the footwarmer, the food moocher, and the vegetable vaccuum. We always thought that the chocolate would get him first, but he MythBusted that urban legend. Beazer was right there with me, when I was an aspiring sled dog teamster. I on my roller blades, and Beazer, my sled team, mushed his-and my-way up and down the driveway. The only Schnauzer I think that knew the word mush and knew how to open up a backpack to get to the yummy delights inside zippered lunch boxes, and could drink out of a straw.

Beazer was the best toy Kalvin and I ever had. The best friend LauriAnn ever had. The best foot warmer Mindi and Bryce ever had. And the best bed hog Mom and Dad ever had.

Beazer will be missed, just like all my M.I.A. chocolate muffins.

Where Are They Now: Stoker Edition Part 1

We at the Stoker house-hole have been hard at work cleaning out the garage. Let me tell you, I found some gem pictures and decided to give my audience a walk through the Stoker Hall of Then and Now. And some of you haven't seen most of us since we were "yay" high, I threw a couple complementary old school photos along with an updated one-just so you can associate the Old School mind blowers with the New School goodies. I'm not going to explain the pictures, because I think they alone speak thousands of words. Enjoy!

We will start out with the oldest: Mindi

Next up: Bryce

Middle Child: LauriAnn

And Second to awesome: Kalvin

And now, a special extended bonus: Me. The good, the bad, and the glasses.

I don't know if you can tell, the picture is pretty bad, but that is baby me, on a cabbage patch doll pony.

Just give me a flipper and sign me up for Toddlers and Tiaras please!!!

So apparently I had a "thing" for ole Mickey Mouse. And I wore it on my sleeve!! Or on my glasses...that my friends was yet another "Gwen" schtick, a mini mickey mouse window cling on my glasses. I was AWESOME.

Those bangs. That hair. Those glasses. And that killer sweater. I could never go wrong with those!

Yep. Those ARE shortalls. I had almost every color.

Mickey Superfan

I always said that a bow and big bangs was my schtick. Here's proof.

All my single ladies:

All in all, after my observations, I think it wouldn't be too far from the truth to deduce that we have not change one bit!!

Bananarama

I've been watching a little Arrested Development tonight, and upon seeing part of the Bluth family business-The Banana Stand-I really want a frozen banana. The only place I know I can readily get one, is at Spring Fest. I even Googled for locations in the Salt Lake Area that sells chocolate frozen bananas. But to no avail. All I got was a recipe. Call me lazy, but I didn't Google "frozen banana" to learn how to make on-I think I get the gist of how to make them, but you always have to take into account the time it would take to go BACK to the grocery store, and the freezer time. Too long I say!! Give me frozen banana or give me death!!!

Let's Make like an air freshener and get Oust a here!

Ahh... Monsieur Decisions. We meet again. What shall it be this time? Stay at crappy job-albeit well paying jobby job? Or put on my purple plastic rimmed glasses and go back to school and again drown myself in a sea of textbooks?

Oh School...you win! You always do.

You know what they always say, when the goin gets tough, Gwen goes back to school. So fellow Basin-ites, I shall being seeing you faster than you can ask why! (Actually no, not that fast.)
And for the record: Call Center for Customer Service is not my forte. Just for future reference.

Tis The Season...

Wedding Season. Yes. Swimsuit. Unfortunately Yes. But also apparently it is Hurricane Season in the SLC.

This morning, thanks to my GENIUS idea, I decided that my cousin and I take her kidlet to the local "waterpark", as they are tenderly referred to down here-no they don't have Aquatic Centers as I have become accustomed.

So it was quite toasty all morning, with a hint of overcast. They had slides! Talk about the cats meow! I just had to have me some! So naturally I went down it like 4 times. Each time more drown than the last.

After we got done swimming, I decided to head home for a quick rinse, then head back over to Mickey Mick's house for some SYTYCD results. After I get home and have tasty treat, it starts to rain+thunder+lightning. I do love me some stormy weather. I'm home for maybe 20 minutes, throw some laundry in, get ready to hit the showers, and boom+crack+boom=lights out on poor Gwenny. That's right. My power supply decided to hit the showers at the exact same time. Who would have known!! I'm not totally sure as to how long the power was out, ( I decided that if the power was going to be on sebatical then so was I, back to Mickey Mick's house). Off I went in full sweat pant garb-you know-gloomy weather clothes that give a little back when you've eaten a little-or a lot-too much. And I'm a quarter of the way there, and I promise you this, my windshield wipers were working hard. Got every penny's worth out of those suckers today. They haven't seen that much rain since...they were fabricated. Ever been through a drive through car wash? Or sat in the car while someone hosed it down at a manual car wash? That's exactly what driving through the rain today was like-times 3!!!

All in all twas a good day. I got some sun, and my car got washed, and I even got some SYTYCD in. Can't deny I wasn't the tiniest bit productive.

Chht...Earth to Mars...Chht

Aloha Kids!!! I just want to throw out there a quick apology for the non-bloggedness, I have been a LITTLE pre-occupied. With the whole moving business-which by the way-zero degrees of awesome. Mental note for all you future movers and shakers out there: HIRE A FREAKING MOVING COMPANY!!!!! I don't get paid to bust mine and hoof boxes up and down 3 flights of stairs, just to leave my room full of boxes for 2 weeks...I should definately get paid for that.

Also, I have been watchin some shows!!! As most of you people know, So You Think You Can Dance has recently started up again, I'm super excited as most of you know. Also, my new roommate has 3 seasons of Veronica Mars-which has more ups and downs than a bipolar woman. It's such a pillow wrencher-you know, one of those shows that keeps you on the edge of your seat grasping a throw pillow. Veronica has kissed more guys in 5 episodes than I have in my whole dating experience! Not that I'm complaining, and oooh I am watching it right now and she just switched boyfriends!!!! If only real life had that sort of luxury :) Is it weird that I am living out my romantic life through Veronica Mars? Probably. Do I know that? Yes. Am I gonna change? Not a chance, not until they start making TV shows about my life. Trust me. The drama. Is. Worth. It.

The Anatomy of a Sneeze

Whenever I think of sneezes, and blessing people after they sneeze, I am always taken back to Dane Cook's comedy bit about when the guy next to him sneezes on him. Naturally Dane says, "God Bless You." So the Sneezer says, "Actually, I'm Athiest." They then begins to debate about religion, and reincarnation specifically and how the Athiest wants to come back to Earth as a tree. Dane then says, "I hope one day you're in the wilderness, some huge sweaty Lumberjack comes along and hacks you down, throws a chain around and you get drug throught the mud and the muck, tossed into some sawmill where they chop up into tons of little pieces, ground into pieces of paper, and then I hope they print the Bible on you."

Now let's bring this full circlelately at work I've been what I like to call "on the phones" taking "calls". Today I took a call, and this lady sneezed into the phone, usually I ignore things like that because they distract me from my job, anyway the Lady immediately said and I quote, "Bless Me." Wow...isn't that my job to "bless you"? By doing that, she put me on the expressway-the HOV lane if you will-to my job being done for me. Thank you ma'am for being a valued customer and making my job that much easier. No, YOU have a good day now-I insist.

I'm a little Verklempt...a chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea-discuss amongst yourselves...

Sooo....I have some good news!!!!! It's a boy!!!!!! kidding kidding...but it was funny, no? I mean considering I haven't blogged for some time, and most people who read this, haven't seen me in a few months, so for all you readers know, I got knocked up and moved to Utah. But no, that's not the case.

I do have good news though! I am officially graduating from training at work tomorrow!!!! I'm so happy I could cry!!!!! I don't even think I was this excited to graduate from High School!!! How sad is that?!?! I was there for 12 years longer! But as a special "Thank You", my trainers are throwing me a pizza party! I say me, because I'm pretty sure I am almost the only one with perfect attendance. Impressed? Take a number!! Cuz I am too!!! But starting Thursday I get to half-way officially start my job. I start "on the job training", which is better than regular training, but not as monotonous as my real job. So it has its perks.

Second motion of business, did anyone watch SNL last weekend? SO FUNNY! I mean Justin Timberlake is funny, but last weekends show was just INSANE! This is my favorite-favorite appropriate-sketch from last weekend enjoy!! Sorry it's so small!!! Somebody at Hulu is gonna get fired over that, and I mean this!!

Mooooo-ve it!

So I got a text from my sister this week with a picture of our new cow, asking me to name it. After a little thought and hesitation I threw out some names: Moo Jackman, Dwight Moo-te, Jim Cowpert, Darth Utter, and Slim Jim-because it's ironic-thus funny. Obviously my family wasn't-as excited as I was at these new-cow-names. You want to have a say and maybe a steak when he goes bye bye? Then leave me a ditty in the comments for your name ideas because I'm fresh out. The last one was Moo Heafer-like Hugh Heafner heh heh.

Next order of business. I don't know how many of you know this...but moving SUCKS! Moving in sucks, moving out sucks, heck even looking for a house sucks!!! I live in a 3 story walk up-it's nice, I would even hinge out to say that it is rather quite nice if I do say so myself, and moving in was harder than getting into college. I've never hated a TV or comfy couch before in my entire life, or even boxes of food, than when I had to hoof them up those 3 flights of stairs. Out of shape I may be, but that's just torture!!! Everyday is a dread when you have to go get the mail, because no matter how used to "the thin air" you are (that's what I blame being out of breath on), you are never quite the same when you walk back up. Makes me feel like I'm so big I won't fit through my doorway when I FINALLY huff and puff my plump little tush up those stairs!! But don't you worry, I feel a WHOLE lot better when I get in the door and stuff my face with as many cookies as possible. My current P.R. (personal record) is 7 of those Elf cookies. They're definately good motivation to actually go back upstairs.

Right now I'm looking for a place around Salt Lake, and lemme tell ya, the only things I see are dumps! I could live in the junk out on Broadway and be classier than these. And top 4 things I wish I knew before I moved:

1: take only what you need to survive. No, you don't need every curling iron you've ever owned...or your industrial strength blowdrier-I had to throw that in.

2: which floor I live on

3: how heavy is my junk

4: how many roommates can I make carry it in for me.

True Life: The Office

As many of you might not know, I am now currently employed. Yay me! It sucks right now because I'm in training for the next 18 weeks...awesome. NOT. But as entertainment for my everyday, I have figured out that everyone always says that the place they work in is just like The Office. There's always a Jim, a Pam-not necessarily together, a Creed, an Andy, an Angela, and a Toby. I am no exception. I have taken note that I currently have: a Jim, a Meredith, a Phyllis, an Andy, a Stanley, an Angela, and a temp (Ryan).

I sit by Angela. She is the Queen of oversharing...and awkward nose blows in my ear ewe.




My Stanley is quite a bit more upbeat, but he talks the same way...and still loves pretzels.

My Meredith...well she is just as negative, and just as much a redhead...without the booze and the flashing and inappropriate-ness...that I know of.

My Andy, I actually like him. He always volunteers. Go you and Go Cornell.

Oh my Phyllis. My sweet sweet Phyllis. I actually don't know her name, she isn't in my training class, but I always see her on break when I come back from lunch a-knitting-away on some pot holder lookin things. She's a winner...and she got a winner. Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.

I am on the fence about my Jim...I don't really interact much with him...but he's funny. And he laughs at my jokes. I guess what's not to like!!!
I couldn't decide if I was Kelly or Jan. Kelly is way more annoying than I, so I went with Jan because she's hotter. Everyone wants to be the hot one at the office right? Well, hot one quit, so I mean I GUESS I could take up that office for her, I mean twist my arm...

I saved my favorite for last. I also sit next to Professor Norton Nimnul from The Rescue Rangers for those of you aged enough to have enjoyed this specimen. He looks just like him...but with more hair and more of a full beard goin on. He keeps me entertained during long boring days. I had a conversation with him today about Harry Carey on SNL, I about fell off my chair when Professor Nimnul asked me if I were a hot dog, if I'de eat myself. Oh the joys of My Office.

P.S. I have an Oscar too, but I'm almost positive he's not gay. Like 89%.

The Hollyward

What's church like in Utah? Well it's pretty fantastic. Full of celebrities. Impossible? NOT EVEN! These crazy things happen, and my friends lucky for you and your entertainment, these things happen to me.

My first week in my ward, I noticed a couple boys in particular looked strangely familiar to me...after a few minutes I knew why. They were celebrities. Or...their stunt doubles at least. First off we have Ethan Embry. Some of you know him as Reese Witherspoon's gay friend Bobby Ray in Sweet Home Alabama, some as the desperate boy Preston (Prestone) from Can't Hardly Wait. (See also: White Squall and Can't Hardly Wait)




This is his stunt double. Looks quite like him no?




Next-and the best match in my opinion-is Keanu Reeves. Some of you know him as Neo in The Matrix trilogy. Some others as Officer Jack Traven in Speed, but I know and love him as Ted Logan, best friend to Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and as Special Agent Johnny Utah opposite Patrick Swazye in Point Break.

Here is the example from my ward. Pretty close, no?

There are a couple more of celebrity look-a-likes in my ward, but alas...we aren't friends on facebook so I don't have access to any of their pictures, bummer. But I will tell you who they look like!!! One girl, looks like she could be Adele's sister-twin even!. We also have an Andy Samberg. Same kind of features, he's my favorite ;).

Just because you Move, Doesn't Mean the Scenery Changes.

I don't know if you know this, but Utah is a bit different than Washington. The driver's for instance think they are Miley Cyrus and have the best of both lanes. I submit that that is not true. I own that other lane and I charge rent thanks.

As radically different those two states are, the singles wards are basically the same. I'm not talking they have the same gospel principles or that they do things the same everywhere you go, I'm talking they all have their share of crazies. Maybe I'm just the common denominator and crazies will follow me wherever I go, or I just notice it more often than most. I'm sure that most of you have sat around a campfire or been joined with me in the bonds of a holy cuddlefest and shared the glorious stories of our testimony meeting experiences. But I have a doozy to share with you-my audience.

Once upon a time, a girl got up to bear her testimony. She proceeds to say that what if the church isn't true? What if all we are taught is a lie? (about this time I am thinking that she is going to be burning in hell come tomorrow) then she's flip flops by saying that it doesn't matter if it's true or not because of the feelings that it gives you. (this time I'm thinking...uh yes, that means it's true because that'd be the Holy Ghost telling you it's true you nutbag) Then she goes on to say that it's true what they say in that Country song "There's gotta be somethin More" by Sugarland, then she proceeds to sing it. Yep. She did it. She soloed during a testimony meeting. Soloed a Country ditty no less!!!!!!!! I immediately put my head down and started to giggle. Meredith looked around and NOBODY else was laughing or even cracked a smile. So either we are extremely inappropriate and rude, or this is a regular occurance. I would really like the latter to be the truth, but who knows. At least she had a decent voice or it would have been even more painful to bear!! The sad thing was, we had no idea or even suspected that she was nuts! I guess it's true: Don't judge a book by it's cover because it might try to eat you like that one carnivorous book from the Pagemaster-the lesser known Macaulay Culkin movie.

Lie to Me Like you Love me!

Being jobless makes me feel...inadecquate, boring, and lazy. But not for lack of trying. I have been to a few interviews...with nothing to show...yet. But that doesn't stop me from sweating like a hooker in a confessional all the way there and during the interview. Nerves are like jimmies on store bought cookies. You hate 'em but you don't have any choice otherwise because you really want that cookie.

Interviewing is torture. You have to sell yourself, pretending to be something you're not so that you can get a job you don't want so you can get money you do want to pay bills you don't want to pay. It's an ugly vicious cycle. I am no show dog, and during the interviewing process I feel like a mutt amongst the pure-breds. I can never jump high enough, run fast enough, have a coat silky enough, have nice enough teeth to be the Best in Show (I have been watching the Dog Shows along with Lifetime). The questions they ask I swear are configured to make me look a bumbling fool. The clincher: Tell me about yourself. All I want to say is "Me scared. Just wet my pants. I want mommy." Sad to say, that's not exactly the answer they were looking for. Too oft have I gotten the email that says we have narrowed the candidates and you are not among them. A.K.A. You suck as a person and will fail at everything you attempt. It makes me feel like sunshine dust every time I read those.

Someone wise once told me the best thing to do in an interview is to lie. I quite a skilled liar. But there are some character qualities that I'm PRETTY sure they will know you don't posses after a while. I can lie my way out of who ate the last Twix, who used the last of the milk, who broke that? Do you want to know who it always is? It was the Show Dog, in the bathroom, with the floss that's who.

Like Batman and Robin

I'm not one to be a holi-hater, but as of late, I see Holidays more of what they are to us consumers: money leeches. And boy am I a sucker for them!!!! I have a friend in the M.T.C., and I send him stuff for holidays and what not. When I go shopping and looking for stuff to send him, something comes over me it's like...like a disease. I want EVERYTHING!! I see a roll of bubble gum tape-I just HAVE to have it! Touche Market Research people. You pegged me this time...

To pass the time this Valentine's Day I plan on doing any combination of the following activities: send myself flowers, send myself chocolates, eat said chocolates, make cookies for a special someone, eat cookie dough for said cookies before they make it to the oven, cuddling up in a blanket with ice cream to watch Lifetime Lover's Lane-hopefully it will be Love Gone RIGHT weekend. I'm gonna have one heck of a chocolate hangover!! All with the trusty Meredith at my side. Like Tonto and the Lone Ranger. Thelma and Louise. Laverne and Shirley. Beavis and Butthead. Bert and Ernie-minus the gay undertones. Pinky and The Brain. Dr. Spock and Captain Kirk. Shaggy and Scooby. Who's who? That's up to you...I'll take any of them.