Real Chance at Love for a Lifetime

Since all I have to do is go to job interviews every few days, I watch a lot of T.V. When I say a lot, I mean I have developed a personal, first name basis with my big screen. Sonny the Sony and I have a pretty unhealthy relationship compared to the social norms. As unhealthy as it may be...it's not as unhealthy as the reltionships on Tool Academy. One of my shows I love to hate. VH1 has truly outdone themselves with this one. That's a pretty far step considering the other shows they have on air: Double Shot at Love-The Ikki Twins, Rock of Love Bus-because Bret Michaels couldn't seem to find love on Rock of Love 1 OR 2, Flavor of Love 1, 2, and 3, and last but not least my super favorite-Real Chance at Love. No self-respcting girl would stay with a guy like the ones that are on Tool Academy. It's completely ridiculous!! One of the guys had 2 girls at the same time!!! Never before has a bomb like that been dropped on reality T.V.!!! The girl that was on the show with the guy, was "the other woman"!!! The said girlfriend of 6 years, showed up during "therapy" and blew everyone's minds!!!!

Real Chance at Love, is fabulous. Ridiculous, naturally, but it's my particular brand of ridiculous. The only thing that could make me more intoxicated would be a pink Otter Pop and Juice Barrel while I watch.

For some reason my cable network believes in about 30 Spanish channels, 15 sports channels, and about 5 normal channels. Oh. Joy. But one of those 5 channels is Lifetime Movie Network. I have been utterly lost for the last month-ish without my Fa-La-La-La Lifetime. But now, Lifetime has come back to me!!! Lifetime Lover's Lane is on!!! WOOOO!!!!!! And this last weekend-which has been continued through the middle of this week-YESSSSS!!!-was Love Gone Wrong Weekend!!!! YAY!!! As much as I love a good love story where everything goes right, nothing touches my heartstrings like a love that goes unrequited. Today, Meredith and I watched a movie with Jesse from Saved By the Bell, who is a teacher and has a student she is tutoring, get obsessed with her and shows up at her house and attacks her. Then blames her for coming on to him when his obsession and undying love for her goes unrequited! GORGEOUS!I can't wait to see what comes on next!!!

Oh Meredith.

After a glorious trip to Ikea, another bruise, 2 adorable pillows, and a duvet cover later, Meredith and I went stopped at Wal-Mart in American Fork on the way home to grab some screws and fishing line. We're planning an outdoors adventure later this week. Kidding. We are hanging some shelves and nails just won't cut it. Why is it that everywhere has parking spots that barely fit compact cars let alone full size SUV's like Meredith's Burban Boat. I told her that her parking job was perfect-just being nice-but she was actually PRETTY close, but I figured it was fine because I could squeeze out.

20 minutes later: Meredith and I walk out of Wal-Mart behind a rather plump older woman. She fumbles for her keys, pushes the unlock button, and I see the lights blink on in a new Hyundai Sonata. Which just so happened to be incredibly close to our Burban. I stopped dead in my tracks. I don't like confrontation, and I could be wrong, but I'm sure the driver was mighty sassy and from the looks of her backside, she looked like she could make me cry. I pulled MEredith over to "pretend" to be interested in a Salt Lake Tribune...or something like that. I tell you what, that lady took a WHILE to get into her car. Whoops, sorry to everyone that I have ever parked to close to, and to all those upstanding citizens who don't park inside the lines, you deserved getting keyed. Not that I did it or anything...

All Aboard!!!!! Toot Toot!!!!

It truly is a glorious day in the neigborhood, Mr. Rogers. True, all the snow melted, leaving us with ugly. But hey, cheer up m'dear because I have good news. I AM MOVING!!!! WOO!! My car...and Meredith Ottley's car is filled to the brim with junk. Very cute junk, but still...junk. Not that I count on Utah being the birthplace of my future and/or dreams, but it's a start to the future I want to be building. I am wanting to get a job at IHC and go through the Ultrasound Tech program that they have teamed up with SLCC to do. But first things first. Job. Gotta get it first.

Hey LADYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Ahoy Kids, glad to see I'm not dead? Yea, me too. Considering I thought that snowmobiling and spending the last week with nobody but my immediate family, Death is how I expected to meet my demise. Alas, not true! I am alive! Not so much as well...but alive with a couple more bruises to prove it! I think people are beginning to think I get abused...

I haven't been blogging much as of late, not so much that I have nothing to say, I just have so much I don't know quite to put it into words. Speechless. Never a word I thought I would EVER use to describe myself, but the month of December 2008 has rendered me speechless. 2008 definately threw me a curveball right at the last possible second. I must say...I hit that out of the park.

Another great thing about 2008? I got my all time favorite movie. Kuffs. For Christmas. You better believe that sucker is gonna get so worn out you won't be able to watch it anymore!!!!!!

Nerdtopia

The Nerdtopia of this last week, was the movie theaters. Everyone and their niece is blogging about Twilight coming out. Read the book? Check. Became a closet superfan? Check. Guess who's a nerd!! THIS GIRL!!!

My ceiling looks like a Mistletoe farm!

I'm feeling philosophical as of late. And as a one who is the sole occupant of a cold Queen bed, I have been thinking. Everyone always wants to know what women want-even Screw What Women Want, I am one so that question is irrelevant. The question here is what do men want? Such a fickle thing is man. As the Katy Perry once said, "you're hot then you're cold."



YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY!!! YOU CAN BE MY HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! All for the gauranteed low price of FREE!!!



I am beginning to think that those Pontapee brothers had it right. If you want a cook and clean, you gotta steal her from her pa and all those other suitors. Don't get ahead of me now, I'm not writing this so I can be your getaway-stagecoach driver. You leave those Sobine women/men alone and lend me your peepers, and if you want feel free to grab a Bic and take notes.



These tips aren't gender specific so don't you worry. I won't hold it against you if you don't give heed to my tips, just don't punch me when I say I told you so.



1. Everyone, I don't care what they say, wants to date the entertainer. Someone who makes them laugh.



2. Everyone wants to feel understood. No Debbie Downers here. Understanding is a blanket word, which entails being positive, and no criticizing.



3. Everyone wants some degree of physical attraction. No Question.





It seems like I had a lot more tips than that...but apparently the Gospel of Dating According to Gwen is 3 rules simple. Fun, Understanding, and Attraction. Any Questions? If you think I missed something...feel free to abridge the Gospel According to Gwen. I won't mind. All I ask is that in doing so, you leave me someone under the Mistletoe.

"Oh sexy American Giiiirlfriend!!!"

Listen up kids. This is monumental. Nay, it's...blog-worthy. You know you live a sad life when something tragic and dreadful happens to you and immediately you think to yourself..."hey you know what? This would make an awesome blog post!!!" or "This sucks. I'm gonna blog about this." Well today this is true. Actually....every blog post is inspired by real life events. Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes, events in factual stories have been exaggerated-naturally-so if you were present for said event and don't remember something happening, then you should go eat a bowl of hair, cuz you're a dummy because it did...(in my mind!!!)



Today's blog subject grew on me. At first I just thought of it as a creeper who liked to watch me...which actually is not out of the norm of this girl's everyday. You think you learn stuff at school? Well kidlets, play a little hookie with me for one day, float with me on the rainbow express (formerly my Nissan Maxima) for a journey that will take us through the Rocky Road Valley (Rocky Ford Creek), past Bubble gum Junction (Soap Lake/Ephrata Junction), to a magical place called Awesomeville (Ephrata, WA), Population: 2. You+Me. Actual population: 6,808. I call this the exodous.



I need to clarify some newsie lingo for you. A Rack, does not involve cup size, porn stars, meat, storage, or firearms. It involves 2 quarters, a stack-no B&T (band and toss) here-of papes (papers), and a busy place. Like...oh....a Chevron gas station for example. My mommala has a rack there and it is my duty as a sub (substitute) to switch them out every day.



Sidenote: Since the Newspaper is such a classy establishement, I tend to dress up. I put on a bra. Thus making me sickeningly overdressed compared to the rest of the posh dames I come in contact with at this swanky paper printer. Ninja bun and all, I throw on a sweater and tennis shoes and hit the Yellow Brick road on the Rainbow Express.



No cares. No boss. No makeup. I look hot. Every Day. Drop dead gorgeous. People stare. I can't decide if it's good staring or appalled staring.



I digress. Faithfully, every day the owner of one of the gas stations I frequent and...uh...service?....comes out and stands there. Usually involving stareage of some kind aimed in my direction. As good as that must feel to be stared at, the only ones who can truly sympathize with me are either dead, or a water buffalo.

Stalk this bucko! I'll give you a fake engagement ring in the face!!!