The Hollyward

What's church like in Utah? Well it's pretty fantastic. Full of celebrities. Impossible? NOT EVEN! These crazy things happen, and my friends lucky for you and your entertainment, these things happen to me.

My first week in my ward, I noticed a couple boys in particular looked strangely familiar to me...after a few minutes I knew why. They were celebrities. Or...their stunt doubles at least. First off we have Ethan Embry. Some of you know him as Reese Witherspoon's gay friend Bobby Ray in Sweet Home Alabama, some as the desperate boy Preston (Prestone) from Can't Hardly Wait. (See also: White Squall and Can't Hardly Wait)




This is his stunt double. Looks quite like him no?




Next-and the best match in my opinion-is Keanu Reeves. Some of you know him as Neo in The Matrix trilogy. Some others as Officer Jack Traven in Speed, but I know and love him as Ted Logan, best friend to Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and as Special Agent Johnny Utah opposite Patrick Swazye in Point Break.

Here is the example from my ward. Pretty close, no?

There are a couple more of celebrity look-a-likes in my ward, but alas...we aren't friends on facebook so I don't have access to any of their pictures, bummer. But I will tell you who they look like!!! One girl, looks like she could be Adele's sister-twin even!. We also have an Andy Samberg. Same kind of features, he's my favorite ;).

Just because you Move, Doesn't Mean the Scenery Changes.

I don't know if you know this, but Utah is a bit different than Washington. The driver's for instance think they are Miley Cyrus and have the best of both lanes. I submit that that is not true. I own that other lane and I charge rent thanks.

As radically different those two states are, the singles wards are basically the same. I'm not talking they have the same gospel principles or that they do things the same everywhere you go, I'm talking they all have their share of crazies. Maybe I'm just the common denominator and crazies will follow me wherever I go, or I just notice it more often than most. I'm sure that most of you have sat around a campfire or been joined with me in the bonds of a holy cuddlefest and shared the glorious stories of our testimony meeting experiences. But I have a doozy to share with you-my audience.

Once upon a time, a girl got up to bear her testimony. She proceeds to say that what if the church isn't true? What if all we are taught is a lie? (about this time I am thinking that she is going to be burning in hell come tomorrow) then she's flip flops by saying that it doesn't matter if it's true or not because of the feelings that it gives you. (this time I'm thinking...uh yes, that means it's true because that'd be the Holy Ghost telling you it's true you nutbag) Then she goes on to say that it's true what they say in that Country song "There's gotta be somethin More" by Sugarland, then she proceeds to sing it. Yep. She did it. She soloed during a testimony meeting. Soloed a Country ditty no less!!!!!!!! I immediately put my head down and started to giggle. Meredith looked around and NOBODY else was laughing or even cracked a smile. So either we are extremely inappropriate and rude, or this is a regular occurance. I would really like the latter to be the truth, but who knows. At least she had a decent voice or it would have been even more painful to bear!! The sad thing was, we had no idea or even suspected that she was nuts! I guess it's true: Don't judge a book by it's cover because it might try to eat you like that one carnivorous book from the Pagemaster-the lesser known Macaulay Culkin movie.

Lie to Me Like you Love me!

Being jobless makes me feel...inadecquate, boring, and lazy. But not for lack of trying. I have been to a few interviews...with nothing to show...yet. But that doesn't stop me from sweating like a hooker in a confessional all the way there and during the interview. Nerves are like jimmies on store bought cookies. You hate 'em but you don't have any choice otherwise because you really want that cookie.

Interviewing is torture. You have to sell yourself, pretending to be something you're not so that you can get a job you don't want so you can get money you do want to pay bills you don't want to pay. It's an ugly vicious cycle. I am no show dog, and during the interviewing process I feel like a mutt amongst the pure-breds. I can never jump high enough, run fast enough, have a coat silky enough, have nice enough teeth to be the Best in Show (I have been watching the Dog Shows along with Lifetime). The questions they ask I swear are configured to make me look a bumbling fool. The clincher: Tell me about yourself. All I want to say is "Me scared. Just wet my pants. I want mommy." Sad to say, that's not exactly the answer they were looking for. Too oft have I gotten the email that says we have narrowed the candidates and you are not among them. A.K.A. You suck as a person and will fail at everything you attempt. It makes me feel like sunshine dust every time I read those.

Someone wise once told me the best thing to do in an interview is to lie. I quite a skilled liar. But there are some character qualities that I'm PRETTY sure they will know you don't posses after a while. I can lie my way out of who ate the last Twix, who used the last of the milk, who broke that? Do you want to know who it always is? It was the Show Dog, in the bathroom, with the floss that's who.

Like Batman and Robin

I'm not one to be a holi-hater, but as of late, I see Holidays more of what they are to us consumers: money leeches. And boy am I a sucker for them!!!! I have a friend in the M.T.C., and I send him stuff for holidays and what not. When I go shopping and looking for stuff to send him, something comes over me it's like...like a disease. I want EVERYTHING!! I see a roll of bubble gum tape-I just HAVE to have it! Touche Market Research people. You pegged me this time...

To pass the time this Valentine's Day I plan on doing any combination of the following activities: send myself flowers, send myself chocolates, eat said chocolates, make cookies for a special someone, eat cookie dough for said cookies before they make it to the oven, cuddling up in a blanket with ice cream to watch Lifetime Lover's Lane-hopefully it will be Love Gone RIGHT weekend. I'm gonna have one heck of a chocolate hangover!! All with the trusty Meredith at my side. Like Tonto and the Lone Ranger. Thelma and Louise. Laverne and Shirley. Beavis and Butthead. Bert and Ernie-minus the gay undertones. Pinky and The Brain. Dr. Spock and Captain Kirk. Shaggy and Scooby. Who's who? That's up to you...I'll take any of them.

Real Chance at Love for a Lifetime

Since all I have to do is go to job interviews every few days, I watch a lot of T.V. When I say a lot, I mean I have developed a personal, first name basis with my big screen. Sonny the Sony and I have a pretty unhealthy relationship compared to the social norms. As unhealthy as it may be...it's not as unhealthy as the reltionships on Tool Academy. One of my shows I love to hate. VH1 has truly outdone themselves with this one. That's a pretty far step considering the other shows they have on air: Double Shot at Love-The Ikki Twins, Rock of Love Bus-because Bret Michaels couldn't seem to find love on Rock of Love 1 OR 2, Flavor of Love 1, 2, and 3, and last but not least my super favorite-Real Chance at Love. No self-respcting girl would stay with a guy like the ones that are on Tool Academy. It's completely ridiculous!! One of the guys had 2 girls at the same time!!! Never before has a bomb like that been dropped on reality T.V.!!! The girl that was on the show with the guy, was "the other woman"!!! The said girlfriend of 6 years, showed up during "therapy" and blew everyone's minds!!!!

Real Chance at Love, is fabulous. Ridiculous, naturally, but it's my particular brand of ridiculous. The only thing that could make me more intoxicated would be a pink Otter Pop and Juice Barrel while I watch.

For some reason my cable network believes in about 30 Spanish channels, 15 sports channels, and about 5 normal channels. Oh. Joy. But one of those 5 channels is Lifetime Movie Network. I have been utterly lost for the last month-ish without my Fa-La-La-La Lifetime. But now, Lifetime has come back to me!!! Lifetime Lover's Lane is on!!! WOOOO!!!!!! And this last weekend-which has been continued through the middle of this week-YESSSSS!!!-was Love Gone Wrong Weekend!!!! YAY!!! As much as I love a good love story where everything goes right, nothing touches my heartstrings like a love that goes unrequited. Today, Meredith and I watched a movie with Jesse from Saved By the Bell, who is a teacher and has a student she is tutoring, get obsessed with her and shows up at her house and attacks her. Then blames her for coming on to him when his obsession and undying love for her goes unrequited! GORGEOUS!I can't wait to see what comes on next!!!

Oh Meredith.

After a glorious trip to Ikea, another bruise, 2 adorable pillows, and a duvet cover later, Meredith and I went stopped at Wal-Mart in American Fork on the way home to grab some screws and fishing line. We're planning an outdoors adventure later this week. Kidding. We are hanging some shelves and nails just won't cut it. Why is it that everywhere has parking spots that barely fit compact cars let alone full size SUV's like Meredith's Burban Boat. I told her that her parking job was perfect-just being nice-but she was actually PRETTY close, but I figured it was fine because I could squeeze out.

20 minutes later: Meredith and I walk out of Wal-Mart behind a rather plump older woman. She fumbles for her keys, pushes the unlock button, and I see the lights blink on in a new Hyundai Sonata. Which just so happened to be incredibly close to our Burban. I stopped dead in my tracks. I don't like confrontation, and I could be wrong, but I'm sure the driver was mighty sassy and from the looks of her backside, she looked like she could make me cry. I pulled MEredith over to "pretend" to be interested in a Salt Lake Tribune...or something like that. I tell you what, that lady took a WHILE to get into her car. Whoops, sorry to everyone that I have ever parked to close to, and to all those upstanding citizens who don't park inside the lines, you deserved getting keyed. Not that I did it or anything...

All Aboard!!!!! Toot Toot!!!!

It truly is a glorious day in the neigborhood, Mr. Rogers. True, all the snow melted, leaving us with ugly. But hey, cheer up m'dear because I have good news. I AM MOVING!!!! WOO!! My car...and Meredith Ottley's car is filled to the brim with junk. Very cute junk, but still...junk. Not that I count on Utah being the birthplace of my future and/or dreams, but it's a start to the future I want to be building. I am wanting to get a job at IHC and go through the Ultrasound Tech program that they have teamed up with SLCC to do. But first things first. Job. Gotta get it first.