Lighter Side-note

Oh and I got paid today. So all in all, I had a very lovely week. Not to mention, the Scattergories tourney which was amazing. Dippin Dots to you, and to all pineapple Jarritos.

This is one Apple who fell VERY far from the family stump

This last Monday was Memorial day. Woot woot for all you Veterans out there, as for me I don't always look forward to this day. Right on, we are out of work and school temporarily. But in the Stoker household, we do things right. We have family reunions. Just some highlights from the extravaganza, my extended family might think I'm pregnant-my plate was heaping full...and I may or may not have gone back for seconds...don't judge. Also, a cousin-may have been the wife of a 2nd cousin-asked me what my last name was. I understand that I possibly could have been a Stoker at one point in time and have since snagged myself a honey and changed my last name, but the odds are that if you are at a STOKER family reunion, your last name was once or is still Stoker. So it doesn't really matter what your last name is. You're there. And you're related to everyone.

Tuesday. Went to a Seattle Mariners game. I just may be a closet Boston fan. I love that Manny Ramirez! It was a pretty exciting game, the starting short stop AND the coach for Boston both got ejected. Ellery made a new friend who I think flew there with his kid from Boston for the game. Thanks to Clinton, I now know what a "rally cap" is, and what it means to the supersticious super-fans. Whoever decided that it would be a brilliant idea to smother and soak everything in garlic and sell it to ravenous patrons in a highly dense crowd at a ballpark, should be drowned in liquified garlic. Remind me also next time to take my own bottle of water. Unless I just found my way back from being stranded in a desert or we are going through a serious drought, I refuse to pay $4.25-$4.75 for a 16.9 oz. bottle of Aquafina. I don't really give a rats scaly rear part how "fina" their "Aqua" is, I'm still not shelling out the lettuce. Next stop, save the fishes with all the water I'm not consuming.

Also at the game, there was a Boston superfan I would say, who kept yelling for Ichiro! I would understand if we were up close to the infield, perhaps maybe right behind the batter's box, but we were in right field, considering Ichiro is a center fielder and most likely doesn't care about you, he can't hear a word you are saying friend so stop trying. And there was a kind drunk behind us, who bought another beer for a totally plastered stranger because the ballpark wouldn't sell him anymore booze. Really? I know alcohol alters your state of mind and inhibits judgement and what not, but I had no idea it made you an idiot!!! He even came back and talked to his lady friend-who thinks mormons give everyone cancer, and thinks that someone shat (pooped) on her friend because apparently he smelled like fecal matter-about the somewhat of a good deed he had just done. Well done my friend, you just sent a flaming drunk on his merry way cup-o-frosty-cold-delight in one hand and car keys-with my luck-to a semi-truck that is soon to run me off the road. Many thanks pal, I applaud your good deed and open my wallet for the extra taxes I'm soon going to have to pay to fix the road barrier your hammered friend ruined. What a tool.

Cheers Big Ears!!

True Life and MTV's Made exclusive: LARP-ing. Hot? or Not?

A few weeks ago, the entire Stoker Clan was home. And like any other family get together, something stupid happens. An "accidental" punch in the face, a rolled 4-wheeler, a snowmobile best-trick showdown, a socker bopper fight, obnoxiously doing things to a sibling purely because you know they hate it. All may or may not be done in good spirits, but more or less is fine holiday fun. LA-Gear (LauriAnn's stage moniker after the killer shoe brand) and I decided to go out for a joy ride to christen the new quad Dad had purchased so he and Mom could go 4-wheeling with friends. Now before I begin my saga, riddle me this-when did my parents decide that 4-wheeling was their favorite new outdoorsy activity, and when did they get friends to do it with?

Decked out in a lesbianne jacket (a lumberjack's plaid jacket worn by a girl, typically worn in our family to help fix things outside), a fighter pilot hat, and a red and black checkered hunters' vest, we embarked on a journey of a lifetime. We patrolled the creeks edge careful not to get sucked in, raced the fenced in poochies, raced Mindi and Brandt, traded spots, and began again. It was around this time that we decided to go out on a limb and try something new. Something that is hot on the scene right now. We decided to give LARP-ing a go. LA has seen competitions at Manito Park up in Spokane by her house, so we both knew what it was. I admit it. I am a nerd of sorts. Not quite nerd convention material, but LA and I could hold our own in a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings trivia showdown. So in honor of Lord of the Rings trilogy-which we love and watch the extended version all the time-we donned the characters we associated with the most. I, was the Dwarf-ironic I know, LA was the Elf, and we drove around running over tufts of bushes and many an accidental bramble, but what is an action/sci-fi movie without a bleeding cut right? On our jaunt through Middle Earth and the Ridimark, we encountered something horrible. Orc-like. I, captaining our vessel, and LA navigating, saw a skunk. Right then and there I dropped character and froze. I hesitated. I didn't want to scare the thing, bc I wasn't super excited about smelling like a skunk for a long time. Thankfully, LA came to our rescue, gunned it, and took us back home, where I confessed that had we gotten sprayed by that mangy varmit I would have skipped church. I took into consideration all of your tender senses and vulnerable noses, you're welcome.

Although I just made a complete fool of myself by sharing this insight to my nerdy mind, and probably lost the respect I worked SO hard to get, I wanted to put to rest the whisperings and rumors about the true life of LARP-ing and expose it for what it is: an expressive way for grown men to interact in each others imaginatory scenarios that lack access to dolls. I can knock it. I've tried it.

Tow the proverbial line "parents"!

You call yourself a proud papa/mamma. A fat lot of good that Proud Parent of an Honor student bumper sticker does if your child is hit by a car! Do I have a child? No, still have a pretty regular sleeping schedule. Is my kid gonna be popular? Odds are not in their favor..poor little bugger. And will I be the proud parent of an honor student? Most likely not, but hey, at least my kid's will be smart enough to hit puberty-alive and without being physically maimed by a mode of transportation!

It has been brought to my attention that discipline in households worldwide are recently becoming more and more lax. I vehemently must protest the child rearing practices of today's liberal-tree hugging-dirt loving-tofu eating (I love granola so no offense) parents. It's called TOUGH LOVE! I grew up in a house that believed vegetables meant carrots and corn, Circus animal cookies aplenty, tofu was not even heard of, and my parents believed in spanking, using any means within an arms reach that could be used for discipline-moms' favorite was a spaghetti measuring paddle she had made for enrichment, thank you relief society I'll be sending you my therapists' bill. What is it about society today that makes parents say, "you know what? I trust everyone, I'm gonna let my kids do whatever they want." NOTHING IN THE NEWS TODAY PROVES THAT THOUGHT TO BE CORRECT IN THE LEAST BIT!!!!!

How many parents does it take to pack groceries? I'll tell you. I went to park at the grocery store yesterday and this little girl was just standing in the open parking spot me and my car were about to occupy, while her oblivious parental figures were BOTH loading the groceries in their car. I could have squished her like a bug in my monstrosity of a Nissan and they wouldn't have even cared. I have also heard many a tale of parents leaving young kidlets unattended in lines at the supermarket.

Whatever happened to those mommy and me bracelets? I hear they make them into cute and cuddly backpacks now, and are quite fashionable if you ask me. They come in many different styles. You could have an animal backpack that come as a unicorn, cow, frog, lamb, bunny, horse, etc., or one with reins!! I had one. They came in pretty handy during those plentiful Disneyland sabbaticals. I didn't love it, but I'm still alive and haven't been kidnapped. Phillip the hyper-hypo's mom had it right. Harness the menace to a jungle gym. Only with unrealistic hulk strength-which he gained after gorging on a chocolate bar-only then was he able to break himself-along with the entire jungly structure-free. See? She did things right.

Congratulations parents who have successfully raise your children to adulthood. You are a special few. This juice box is for you. SALUD!

The name's Mini. Mauve Mini.

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)

Kallie Maxima

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Heath No Bake....makes me sound like a bad wannabe Betty Crocker!

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)

G-Sto

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Mauve Mini (for Mini Horse...which pretty much rocks)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Breyette Molake ( I just combined Moses and the Lake, hyphenated it just sounded ridiculously retarded)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)

Stogw

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

The Green Fuse...or Green Crystal...whichever one tickles your fancy, both quite divine on the palate.

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)

Ross Lee

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)

Nollie Skor

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )

Burton Lee. I am so undercover that I am a dude.

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)

Hansen Hollywood

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)

Summer Lily

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)

Raspberry Shorty. I am the infamous arch nemesis of the world renound Strawberry Shortcake, only I am 10x better than she could ever dream of being on a good day.

14. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)

Toast Corinthian Rose

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, weather element+ Tour")

"The Hair Rain Tour"

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies."-Steve Martin

It may or may not be true, but I like to think of myself as quite the movie-goer. I may not have seen every movie available, and frankly I would not care to see every movie. But I've seen a few movies in my day, even from the early years, maybe I was a bum of a child, or maybe my mom didn't want to entertain me. But here is a list of my top 5 movies-in no particular order-that I watched, loved, and memorized-as a tot.

1.) Teen Witch (1989)

"Louise! Louise! Your mornin' paper, and I took the liberty of ironin' your homework."

This movie is glorious. It's about a girl named Louise, who isn't really popular. She then finds out that she is a descendant of the Salem witches and develops her powers when she turns 16. First, she uses her powers to get back at all the people who ever made fun of her, and to make the captain of the football team fall in love with her. But then she develops a conscience, and wants him to love her because of her not because of the spell she cast on him. Her mentor, is this really short kinda creepy old lady. If you haven't seen it, you are missing out on 80's cinema at its best.

2.) Kuffs (1992)

"Hey, a-hole! Yes, you. Look, if you're gonna jump, jump. Otherwise, use the bridge like everyone else. You're screwin' up traffic down there."

Think way back. Back before Christian Slater got picked up by the cops numerous times. Back when he made this incredible cinematic adventure. I possibly love this movie more than any other in the world. Packed with many a choice word, scandelous situation, and violence this is a real classy movie for all ages! I have no idea who's idea it was to ever let me watch this movie, but I fell in love and I'm not gonna lie I may or may not have slept with this movie. Eff captain cuddle bear, I snuggled up to Christian Slater via fulm tape. Here's the snyopsis. George Kuffs just lost his job, and his girlfriend who is still in college is pregnant. Since he can't see how he can support her, he thinks she is better off without him. So he visits his elder brother, Brad, to squeeze him for a loan so he can go to Brazil where there's a gold-rush going on. Unfortunately Brad is killed and George is suddenly the owner of Brad's "patrol special" district.

Because of this movie, Christian Slater was my very first crush. No matter how many felonies or misdemeanors he will always have a special place in my heart.

3.) Weekend At Bernie's (1989)

"How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive!"

I don't know who planned movie nights at my house, but they just kept getting better! Hey who let the 4 year old watch this? That's right my family. Blame that for my rockin upbringing. Richard and Larry are two best friends who discover that someone has been embezzling money from their company. When they inform their boss, Bernie Lomax, he is so apparently pleased that he invites then to his beach house for a weekend of fun and leisure and women. But when they arrive, they discover him dead! Richard wants to do the right thing and inform the authorities as quickly as possible, but Larry is determined to still try and have a weekend of fun and leisure and women. Not to mention there is a girl named Gwen in it!

4.) Spaceballs (1987)

"Checking in??"

"It's her Royal Highness' matched luggage!"

The planet Spaceball is running out of air and the planet's ruler President Skroob has devised a evil scheme, where he plans to steal the air from the atmosphere of planet Druidia. But Druidia is surrounded by a defense shield. When Druidia's Princess Vespa and her droid-in-waiting Dot Matrix flee from her wedding to narcoleptic Prince Valium, the evil commander of the Spaceball fleet, Dark Helmet captures Princess Vespa so King Roland will be forced to give them the access code to the air seal. But heroic space pilot Lone Starr and his sidekick, Barf (A Mog half man-half Dog) comes to Princess Vespa's rescue. With help from wise and powerful master of the magic ring "The Schwartz", Yogurt, Lone Starr, Barf, Dot and Princess Vespa set out to save Druida and foil Dark Helmet and President Scroob's scheme and prevent them from stealing the air from Druidia. This racy feature film rivals the directors' other movie Blazing Saddles for comedic gold!

5.) Happily Ever After (1993)

"YOU ARE DESPICABLE!...But you have a point."

Many a sick day were spent, curled up on the couch a big bowl of chocolate pudding in hand. The pudding always made me feel better. This is pretty much a reverse Snow White, but a classic nonetheless. The Evil Queen is dead and Snow White is on her way to see the 7 dwarves-who get captured. when Lord Maliss, the Queen's brother, sees her in the looking glass. He attacks her in the form of a dragon, taking Snow White's prince to the Realm of Doom. Enlisting the aid of the dwarves' girl cousins, Snow White must embark on a quest to save her true love.

Runners up: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and The Swan Princess

Cheers Big Ears!

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”-A. Whitney Brown

Since I have been a blogging champ today, I shall continue. (for future reference this baby I mention does have a name. It's Caleb, I babysit him every day, he loves me) I took baby on a walk today, and on our jaunt, I saw a car with MASS amounts of bumper stickers on it. And this car has seen better days, and is probably being held together by these bumper stickers as we speak being that it is all the way from Virignia. Now I am never one to talk about politics, but this is one issue I cannot shy away from any longer. Vegetarianism. I don't judge those who are, but I will say this. I think you are ridiculous and why not go hard or go home and just do it to it and be a vegan. I love me some tube steaks (hot dogs), cow steaks, pig steaks, or chicken anything. Give me meat or give me death. You can keep your meat-eater-hater bumper stickers and eat your tofu for all I care, I am one healthy meat loving mammajamma.

On a side note. there are a few animals that I could do without. Namely one.Cats. Not all cats-Emily I like your cat Soprano-but pretty much everyone elses cats are Satan re-incarnate. Baby has a cat. I hate it. While I type this it is challenging me to a staring duel, but I will not give in. I choose to ignore it and hope it will leave me the bajeezes alone. Every time I am on the computer this cat will rub up against the monitor and turn off the screen!!! And today it decided to use the speakers as a rub-a-dub post and knocked them off the desk!! Then decides that it wants to broaden its horizons and read a fricken book and knocks that too off the desk. Not to mention this cat gets fed about 12 kibble morsels a day due to digestion problems. One day, it got a hold of some extra tuna a horked it ALL down, and spewed all over, yay me I had to clean it up. They shed, smother babies-according to mom, lick themselves, sleep all day-personally jealous of, and carry rabies. Only thing cats are good for is catching mice. or birds. whatever your infestation.

"I bruise like a grape"- Mo Rocca

I am the most clumsy person ever. Actually I take that back, not clumsy. Stupid. It could be because I am so competative and put myself in situations to get hurt, maybe I have a target somewhere on my person saying "Yes, I can take pain like a man, kick me and find out.", or maybe people just hate me. I may never know. I am surprised that none of my latest adventures have landed me in the emergency room. But here are some pictures of my latest escapade at glow in the dark soccer.

Initially

Two Days Later

My Leg isn't THAT fat and swollen it just looks like it.

Maybe I should've bid on the ONE shinguard on ebay, what a bargain!

"We dare not trust our wit for making our house pleasant to our friend, so we buy ice cream."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If many of you look back at a previous post, I divulged a dirty secret. I have cornered the dating scene in the ward. Oh yes. It's true. Little Gwenny is all grown up and warding off potential suitors with one liner replies, no eye contact, and my candid ability to look right past their pocket protectors-protector and coke bottle glasses at more visually stimulating men-not to mention doing so with great hair and fabulous shoes. But nay, they don't care about the hair-or dare I even say the shoes. No. "F the hair, F, the shoes, I'de love you bald" their longing looks seem to say. I guess my dating strategy couldn't have been more wronger the last few years-funny wronger-shout out to testimony meeting. The last couple of FHE's have been interesting to say the least. I have been asked to ice cream on more than one occasion, by someone who turned down a promising football scholarship but got injured (bahaha), and who played 10 years of soccer, but failed to mention until asked to show a trick that he hasn't played since the 10th grade, mental note for all you single-hopeful-daters: NEVER EVER boast of skill if you have not played in a competative game in more years than you played total. Both times the potential love of my life asked me out to ice cream. What is it about ice cream?!?! I had a bishop at BYUI that told me to just go up to a guy and ask him out to ice cream, um ok A. NO way would I ever ask a guy out to ice cream- int he words of Emily- "I have a uterus, therefore you do the asking." and B. Why ice cream? Is there something that farmers put in the feed that makes cows produce some sort of mutated "magic" milk? Apparently there is something that was told during the boys' "Birds and the Bees" talk during those extra 15 minutes at recess. That something is that if you give a girl ice cream she will be putty in your hands. Ice Cream apparently is an aphrodisiac of sorts. Congratulations oysters you get to live longer, ice cream is the new sex drug of choice for serial daters and swingers.

I never thought I could say this about anyone, but I think I might be out of their league! Sorry, but I'm in the majors now slugger, you stay tough in tee-ball. It's a tough life, buck up, look alive and keep your eye on the target-which is not me!

Cheers big ears!