Nerdtopia

The Nerdtopia of this last week, was the movie theaters. Everyone and their niece is blogging about Twilight coming out. Read the book? Check. Became a closet superfan? Check. Guess who's a nerd!! THIS GIRL!!!

My ceiling looks like a Mistletoe farm!

I'm feeling philosophical as of late. And as a one who is the sole occupant of a cold Queen bed, I have been thinking. Everyone always wants to know what women want-even Screw What Women Want, I am one so that question is irrelevant. The question here is what do men want? Such a fickle thing is man. As the Katy Perry once said, "you're hot then you're cold."



YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY!!! YOU CAN BE MY HONEY! AND YOU CAN HAVE A HONEY! All for the gauranteed low price of FREE!!!



I am beginning to think that those Pontapee brothers had it right. If you want a cook and clean, you gotta steal her from her pa and all those other suitors. Don't get ahead of me now, I'm not writing this so I can be your getaway-stagecoach driver. You leave those Sobine women/men alone and lend me your peepers, and if you want feel free to grab a Bic and take notes.



These tips aren't gender specific so don't you worry. I won't hold it against you if you don't give heed to my tips, just don't punch me when I say I told you so.



1. Everyone, I don't care what they say, wants to date the entertainer. Someone who makes them laugh.



2. Everyone wants to feel understood. No Debbie Downers here. Understanding is a blanket word, which entails being positive, and no criticizing.



3. Everyone wants some degree of physical attraction. No Question.





It seems like I had a lot more tips than that...but apparently the Gospel of Dating According to Gwen is 3 rules simple. Fun, Understanding, and Attraction. Any Questions? If you think I missed something...feel free to abridge the Gospel According to Gwen. I won't mind. All I ask is that in doing so, you leave me someone under the Mistletoe.

"Oh sexy American Giiiirlfriend!!!"

Listen up kids. This is monumental. Nay, it's...blog-worthy. You know you live a sad life when something tragic and dreadful happens to you and immediately you think to yourself..."hey you know what? This would make an awesome blog post!!!" or "This sucks. I'm gonna blog about this." Well today this is true. Actually....every blog post is inspired by real life events. Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes, events in factual stories have been exaggerated-naturally-so if you were present for said event and don't remember something happening, then you should go eat a bowl of hair, cuz you're a dummy because it did...(in my mind!!!)



Today's blog subject grew on me. At first I just thought of it as a creeper who liked to watch me...which actually is not out of the norm of this girl's everyday. You think you learn stuff at school? Well kidlets, play a little hookie with me for one day, float with me on the rainbow express (formerly my Nissan Maxima) for a journey that will take us through the Rocky Road Valley (Rocky Ford Creek), past Bubble gum Junction (Soap Lake/Ephrata Junction), to a magical place called Awesomeville (Ephrata, WA), Population: 2. You+Me. Actual population: 6,808. I call this the exodous.



I need to clarify some newsie lingo for you. A Rack, does not involve cup size, porn stars, meat, storage, or firearms. It involves 2 quarters, a stack-no B&T (band and toss) here-of papes (papers), and a busy place. Like...oh....a Chevron gas station for example. My mommala has a rack there and it is my duty as a sub (substitute) to switch them out every day.



Sidenote: Since the Newspaper is such a classy establishement, I tend to dress up. I put on a bra. Thus making me sickeningly overdressed compared to the rest of the posh dames I come in contact with at this swanky paper printer. Ninja bun and all, I throw on a sweater and tennis shoes and hit the Yellow Brick road on the Rainbow Express.



No cares. No boss. No makeup. I look hot. Every Day. Drop dead gorgeous. People stare. I can't decide if it's good staring or appalled staring.



I digress. Faithfully, every day the owner of one of the gas stations I frequent and...uh...service?....comes out and stands there. Usually involving stareage of some kind aimed in my direction. As good as that must feel to be stared at, the only ones who can truly sympathize with me are either dead, or a water buffalo.

Stalk this bucko! I'll give you a fake engagement ring in the face!!!

I know someone, who knows someone, that met someone famous. That someone is ME!!!!!!!!!

This past weekend, I helped my Madre work the concession stands for the 1A Regional Playoffs. A couple of teams I took note of were: Lakeside-only because they had an uber hott injured player that I took a liking to, and Gonzaga Prep. Gonzaga Prep isn't too shabby. We played them a few years back and took them to the cleaners, shocker I know but Mo-town Football used to be worth the $5 they charge to spectate.

I'm not really clear about the rankings or stats of Gonzaga Prep, but this I am clear of. I was in the presence of Royalty. Yes. Saturday, November 8, 2008 I saw John Stockton. The very John Stockton who is the NBA All-Time-Leader in steals and assists. John Stockton who played in 9 consecutive NBA All-Star games. Utah Jazz John Stockton. (Not sure if those factoids are still valid, but I don't care) He lives in Spokane, and his nephew is The QB for Gonzaga Prep.

He came up to my window, and I served that Bad A a Hot Dog. It was a good day.

It's Baby Mania Up In This Piece!!!

It seems that the Columbia Basin is in a little bit of a pickle. A Baby Boom of sorts. Babies being born left and right-sometimes 2 at a time!!! It's utter madness!! Mayhem! Chaos even! On the bright side, these babies are almost THE cutest cutest things I've ever seen. I will explain why I say almost a little bit later.


About a month ago, driving past a gas station I vocally took note of how proposterous the price of gas was, and that if it ever dipped lower than $3/gal. I would make a baby with someone. I am well aware that intentional baby making is no joking matter, I honestly did not think gas would EVER beat me at limbo. I mean I'm no Gumby, but I am quite limber and bendy; but man gasoline took the whole "how low can you go/limbo" thing a little too literal.


I was floored-losing at limbo pun intended-when I saw gasoline at a lean $2.99 a mere 2 1/2 weeks later!!!!! Now gas is down to about $1.97 here in the Babyville, and since I have let many promises and threats go unanswered, this is one that I will keep. I. Gwendolyn Breyette Stoker. Will make a baby. In fact I will go ahead and do it right now just so all of you can bear witness that I have made true on my pact. Actually I will do you one better, or 10 to be specific. I took it upon myself to make hypothetical virtual prodigy's of yours truly and the finest male specimens I could find photographial documentation of on Google. Here are my top 10 Gwen/Celeb Hybrid Babies:


10. Gwen+ Freddie Prinze Jr.

9. Gwen + Mr. Rhode Island (from Cosmo 20 Hottest Bachelor's Ever sorry he's so pixelly)

8. Gwen + Mr. Ohio (See source from previous Baby Daddy)









O-HI!!!!-OH!!!!!!!!

7. Gwen + Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl)

Ok this is probably the best example of a child-cute right? Both parents obviously well represented in his genetic make-up-and looking stellar might I add!!!

6. Gwen + Usher

My confessions are that this baby would look fabulous in the club.



5. Gwen + Tyson Beckford

Model. Idiot?

4. Gwen + Zav Efron

Thought he get prettier or have better hair? Well think again, because.....he. just. did.

3. Gwen + Cam Gigandet

2. Gwen + James Franco




Who knew Baby Green Goblin would be so adorable?!!?!?

1. Gwen + Stephen T. Colbert

Proof that "we belong together".

Honorable Mentions: Patrick Dempsey, Kellan Lutz, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Not to toot my own horn and be a proud Mamma, but 'toot toot' Now do you see why I said other babies were almost as cute? I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labors-once again double pun intended-because they took me forever to put on here. 9 months to be exact.

P.S. Don't you worry about the appearance of buck teeth. You better believe that my babies won't have beaver teeth come hell or baby braces!!!

That Blasted "Great Pumpkin" stood me up...again

Halloween this year wasn't a total bust. Family crisis=nothing new. Sisters coming home and stamping their absolute approval on my costume=awesome. My Halloween as a (Barbie) Rocker Chick went quite well. I went Gwen Stefani on my hair and did a ratted pompadour down the middle and twistied the sides. As far as make-up goes. I'll just have you know that it was awesome.

I'm glad the election is over. As much as I say that I completely despise politics, I have decided that I actually like them. I don't like the analysts on TV that nit-pick every little detail about each candidates campaigns. I do, however, like talking politics with knowledgeable friends. Just because I'm confused as to the definition of imcumbent and pundit, doesn't mean that I'm a bumbling hick. I know what I believe, and I believe that I have a strong moral compass and a mind for ethics. Sarah Palin, my phone awaits your call. Palin-Stoker 2012. Give Girls a Whirl-Vote Me. Don't bother waiting on hold with NSA, I have no interest in being VP of the continental U.S....that doesn't work well with my plans for world domination.

The way we were. By we I mean I.

Tag #1

Now tag #2You have to give five answers to each of the questions and pass it on.

To pass it on, you name them on your blog and you leave a comment notifying them on their blog.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

1. Wearing a size 4

2. Picking Rocks

3. Playing with a cow calf

4. Crushing on Christian Slater

5. Watching TV in real time.

5 things on my to-do list today:

1. Go to Lowe's

2. Bake a tarte or crisp

3. Play board games with the fam.

4. Hit up the Goodwill or Calico Cat

5. Find myself a super sweet pair of snow boots

5 snacks I enjoy:

1. Peanut Butter and banannas on toast

2. cereal

3. Bread

4. Ritz or Wheat Thins

5. Granola

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Make a Continent change-Australia would be nice-and go to college while I'm at it

2. Buy a house close to Target with a super-fab kitchen and shower

3. Set up my Parents for life

4. Make sure the rest of the fam is well enough off

5. Start a college fund for...future posterity?

5 places I have lived:

1. Moses Lake, WA

2. Rexburg, ID

3. Girls Camp

4. Target-in my dreams

5. In my sweatpants or p-jams

5 jobs I have had:

1. Paper Route-past

2. Slave for hire for the Stoker family-past, present, and future

3. Concessions at the Baseball Fields-past

4. Nanny-past

5. Unofficial Paper Route-sadly present

Soak 'Em For Crutchie!!

Though this might come as a shock to some, I do stuff. I pretty much have a job. Not your typical 9-5, have to use your brain, get dressed out of your p-jams every day job. But one I do out of the goodness of my heart-but get meagerly compensated. I'm talkin' if this were my sole source of income I wouldn't even be able to survive on Mac' and Cheese-on sale even!! Needless to say it's not the BEST use of my time nor is it my ideal dream of a Knight in Shining Armour come true of what I would like to be doing at this point in time of my life. Some people just need help sometimes, and apparently my emotionally stagnant, cold-numb heart roused its wrinkled little tuchis out of hibernation to do a few good deeds. 4 months-ish of them to be exact. Oy Vey!

You could say every day life is a movie. I should sue for the movie rights. If not, then you should say it, and get someone to buy movie rights to it so I can live out my dream: some fabulous old schlimazel of a yenta with nothing better to do than yell at schlemiels in Yiddish, nosh my bagel and schmeer, and play cribbage. But in reality, my dreams are bupkis, because for the fragile time being I am Newspaper Delivery Professional. Thanks Mommala. I always knew this little bubelah would make you proud....oh..I'm getting a little verklempt!

I have a few words to say to the general public about this profession. Be it known to all of you who park on the street in front of paper recepticles (the newspaper boxes, keep up now) it's not my fault if you come up one side mirror of window short next time you come out to crank up your Miata. Furthermore, yes. I am a lazy mamzer, and I don't get paid to schlep your paper all the way to the door. I'm not the only one who could use the exercise a 10 foot walk to the edge of your driveway intails!!

I had a little run in yesterday with my rogue rival-the infamous Wenatchee World Lady. Like I said, my life is a movie: Newsies. The Newsies rivalring each other for papes sales. I get harassed almost daily by other paper district peddlers. It's like Cowboy Jack Kelly vs. Spot Conlon. Brooklyn Newsies vs. Queens Newsies. Me vs. The W.W. I tenderly refer to that schmendrick as We-snatch-ee World lady. Not only does she suposedly "rule the road" in her oh-so-classy periwinkle PT Cruiser, she makes her daughter get out schlep the papes!! Well cruise this you ole bag!! I'm gonna run over your paper boxes!!! No federal offense for me!!!

Which brings me to my next felony...I've got a beef with a Mail Lady as well. Suspected-by me-to also be a MALE Lady. She boxed me in yesterday, when I was trying to leave my coveted primo parking spot in front of a row of mailboxes and gave me attitude. The chutzpah!!! She doesn't know who she fooled with. I should've unleashed my unlucky beastie on her!! I should have never stopped pulling forward. I should have gunned it and made her brassy braided, too tan, cut off sleeve wearing self sorry she had every crossed my path, given her a lethal dose of McPain and Ba-Rocked her face right the eff off!!! Ragin' Cajun? Gruesome Twosome? Try Perp(etrator) with a Pape on for size, oh wait...my size 8's are too small for your mammoth sized dude-hooves!!!!

Put on a sweater, the paper business is a fierce and cold war kidlets.


Looks like it's borchst wishes and bupkis dreams. Mozel Tov to me!!

WWGD?

Yep. That's right. What Would Gwen Do? What would I do? I would do an experiment, and you can come along for the ride full of fun, excitement, with popcorn and cotton candy. Promise. Go to google.com. Do as I do-AND as I say. (go to google search your name plus whatever else I say and hit search) I took the top 4 raddest and put them on here.

Gwen says my baby is rad.
Gwen says her fans are freaks.
Gwen says I ate 1285 calories today!
Gwen says she is in a rush to have another! (another what? I wonder...)

Gwen loves that Antiques Roadshow.
Gwen loves her Tomato Bob.
Gwen loves to engage in feisty discussion.
Gwen loves houndstooth.

Gwen hates on harajuku lovers.
Gwen hates the girl who is so much like her.
Gwen hates me.
Gwen hates making the smallest decision, then blames herself for it.

Gwen wants another baby.
Gwen wants to help troubled Britney Spears.
Gwen wants in!
Gwen wants to reproduce with you. (Fact!)

Gwen needs no helmet!
Gwen needs to go.
Gwen needs a partner for kips.
Gwen needs a pair of roller skates to complete this white hot look.

Gwen looks like a washed up lounge singer.
Gwen looks like a 40-year-old Brittney Murphy without the photoshop.
Gwen looks like a tranny.
Gwen looks like a wild woman.
BONUS:
Gwen looks like a sick, dying bug.

Gwen likes to dance in chocolate fountains.
Gwen likes a bargain.
Gwen likes to say that her books and her dogs are her babies.
Gwen likes to eat chianese people.

Gwen does not like Godzilla.
Gwen does not seem to feel this is important.
Gwen does stuff specifically to make Theresa look bad in Ethan's eyes. (totally from Passions the best ex-soap opera ever)
Gwen does bring something different to the mix.

Gwen goes back to punk roots.
Gwen goes pumpkin hunting.
Gwen goes avant-garde.
Gwen goes lunching.

Gwen is killed by the Green Goblin. (yay for comic book references)
Gwen is your favorite.
Gwen is stabbed.
Gwen is hot.

I think that the winner of all goes to.........Gwen is a sick, dying bug!!!

P.S. That Gwen Stefani should change her name. Why should I have to? She's the one who sucks! (for all you Office Space fans out there. Yay for Michael Bolton!)

Life Sucks, and then you move on

In the last week, I've had purple hair, Blue hair, brown hair, a car wreck, and non-stop crying. Let's all hope it goes a heck of a lot better next week. Cross everything and wish me luck-because I don't have any!!!

Edward Scissorhoofs?

I found this picture while I was looking for a purple haired My Little Pony. Somebody has too much time on their hands. It is an impeccable resemblance though I must say.

Purple People Eater for real

A mass catastrophe has happened. Call the Coast Guard!! Call in Homeland Security!!! Call Nanny 9-1-1!!! Before I weave the web of this tragic saga, I must tell you that viewer discretion is advised. This story is not for the queasy stomach, no faint stomachs allowed. Belay on with the story.

I went and got my hair done Monday. I had this awesome idea, that was going to turn out really nice and it was going to look great-at least it did in my imagination. Blonde highlights, with dark purple lowlights-for winter they say to go dark, so for once I actually heeded that tidbit. The highlights and lowlights were put in at the same time, and were washed out at the same time. Bleaching the hair, first strips the hair so the shaft is more amiable to absorb the color. Remember this as it is crucial. As it was getting washed out, the bleached hair was so poreous that it sucked up all the excess purple that was getting washed out. I repeat. The purple bled all over the blonde.

The color pallate is very useful in hair coloring. The color green cancels out red, yellow and red cancels out blue-ish colors (something like that) that may be too cool for your skin tone. And finally, purple cancels out brassy tones. Purple being washed out of my hair, cancelled out the brassy-which was awesome-and also cancelled out a lot of the normal blonde, making it more silvery. I imagine the hair of an angel isn't gold. Isn't blonde. But more of a soft, wispery silvery-blonde. Which my roots mostly are now. The rest of it is almost a neon purple-with the exception of the dark lowlights-which turned out exactly how I imagined them, but they brought a traitorous BFFF. Bleeding.

I look like a secret love child of a My Little Pony (the mane and tail hair was always very...vibrant) and a Fraggle (for those of you too young to know what a Fraggle is, think pre-Muppet-Jim Henson creation) I digress. It doesn't look really bad. I'm just not used to looking like Rainbow Bright's friend Shy Violet. Good thing I like purple! Why are 4 out of 5 of Strawberry Shortcake's Nemesis' color of choice purple?? With the exception of Licorice Whip; Raisin Cane, Sour Grapes, and The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak all have references to purple in their name and clothing color choice. Her friend Almond Tea from China Cup has purple hair too.

I'm not mad. I am still in shock that I, Gwendolyn Breyette Stoker, have purple hair. Good thing Halloween is coming up :)

No one "feels" the news at you like Stephen Colbert.

You know how when you don't know a word, you find out the definition, and you hear someone use it and automatically think, "wow, I actually know what that means!" Or when you hear about something new, and within a couple of days, you hear about it again? It's called a coincidence, my friends. I recently got into a bit of a tiff with a friend about Barry Manilow. Contrary to what my friend thinks, one song on your iPod does NOT make you a superfan. It makes you a connosiuer.

My friend detests the very thought of Barry Manilow, and I am indifferent. All I care about is the sweet sweet music. Not neccessarily from the Manilow that is. (For future reference the song I have is "Can't Smile Without You", think what you may about me now, but that song is tender.)

I digress. I was watching my news show of choice-The Colbert Report-and Stephen Colbert is up for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program-super yay! I don't know why he shouldn't win. I mean this man has done things!

He ran for President, got kicked out of the race for Commander in Chief, fought a giant styrofoam cup, he is immortal and is going to save humanity in the case of anything happens to his bucket of Truth Guts and Bud Light Lime, or a mass catastrophe, by sending his DNA laced with hot man sweat into space, and even has a super-spider named after him all while feeling the news at you in 30 minutesor less!! Needless to say that Stephen Colbert was excited about being nominated again since last time he lost. Here's the kicker-he lost to BARRY MANILOW!!!!!! Barry can't add any of those things to his resume!! One conversation about Barry Manilow and even The Colbert Nation is talking about him!!! MANILOW!!!! Emmy Please!!

P.S. My friend and I have come to a peace treaty in the form of 3 Reese's Shakes. My treat of course.

I found a list of Truths about Stephen Colbert. Chuck Norris eat your heart out!

http://www.stephencolberttruths.com/

Gone green?

I'm positive that when I drive, no one is looking at me thinking, "that sure reminds me of Jesus", "that maneuver reminds of something the Savior would do!" In fact, it is probably the polar opposite. They might have coined the term road rage after watching me drive for a couple blocks, oh boy I hope not though.

It seems as though whenever you're in a hurry the cars in front of you seem like an enormous annoyance, and even when you're on a leisurely jaunt through country town, the cars behind you are irritating as well. It's usually never my fault. I am an almost perfect driver-no permanent demerits or traffic violations are on my criminal record anyway-I drive exactly the way I'm supposed to. Which, naturally, is my way or the highway. (pun intended)

Part of me wants to believe that I have authority issues and thus speed-break the law-to stick it to the man and "buck" the system. What system is that? That system, my friends, is the system that our hard earned and easy spent tax dollars use to employ Satan's minions to ruin perfectly good days.

Since my mini-stint in Utah over my long weekend, I've decided to do something about my authority issues. Now, whenever I get passed by some anal bead in a gas hog, I just think to myself, "one of these days I'll have revenge for this. My loyal buddy 'The System' never let's me down. He always gets his man."-traffic wise anyway, criminally speaking is an entirely different system altogether. Or I am going to say, "Your Mother must be so proud of you!" I say that because what have they won? Definitely not the pole position in the Indy 500, so who cares!! What have the got that I don't? An extra 5 seconds to pick their nose? Fair enough. What have I lost? Pride? Most likely, but it's not flattering anyway. Gas mileage? No sir. Studies show that going over 60 mph actually decreases your engines fuel efficiency. Proven fact. And when it's hot during the summer, it's better to roll down your windows and turn the AC off if you're going 35 mph or slower. Any faster and just turn on the AC and roll em on up because you aren't solving global warming with your measly vehicular AC, OR your iron pony's harmful emissions.

If losing a highway battle royale with a steel steed makes me a loser, then so be it. Because I've got one thing they don't have: a disco ball hanging from my rear view mirror.

"I like me, and you should too!": Secret Life of Gwen

101 Fun Factoids about me:

1. I have chapstick stashed everywhere for those just in case moments.

2. I read. A lot. For fun. And enjoy it.

3. I am an impeccable speller. I'm my own spell check :)

4. In text messages I always punctuate, have correct capital letters, and use proper grammar.

5. I could eat home made macaroni and cheese for the rest of my life and be a-ok with that.

6. I have snowmobiled my entire life...as a co-pilot. I very seldom get to drive.

7. I have had 4 serious surgeries to fix the same problem.

8. I have pretty much had the same friends since kindergarten.

9. I am not as blind as my glasses say I am. No material thing can imprison me. NEVER!

10. I went through a controversial tom-boy phase in the 4th grade where I had long blonde hair that I curled or did something with every day, but dressed like a boy. Oh wait...fast forward to present day...still haven't grown out of it!

11. I could never wear jeans again in my life and die happy.

12. I used to have bottle cap glasses.

13. On those bottle cap glasses I used to have a Mickey/Minnie Mouse applique in the bottom corner of my glasses. My mom said it looked cool.

14. I like shoes. I won't disclose how many I own, but I will have you know that I wear all of them on a regular basis.

15. My mom believes in jewelry, and when she is no longer with us, I will too.

16. The last time I went paint-balling, I got shot in a tender place, cried my eyes out, ran away, and have never gone back.

17. I don't usually drink pop, unless it's my only option.

18. I can share shoes with my oldest sister, but not my other one.

19. My sister that I can't share shoes with and I steal clothes back and forth from each other.

20. I can't hide anything in my sock drawer...because it is entirely full of socks.

21. My first car was a tan 1979 Nissan Pick-up. I was ridin' dirty.

22. In the fall/winter months I like making bread and other comfort foods.

23. My first crush was Christian Slater.

24. I loved him because I saw him in Kuffs.

25. I hate pink.

26. The only vegetable I like are cucumbers.

27. I eat all the corners off of my sandwich first.

28. I only eat chunky peanut butter.

29. I never put on lotion.

30. I am terrible with art, but have a deep appreciation for it.

31. I'm OCD, but not very organized.

32. I won't wash my car unless I have time to clean my tires and wax it.

33. I thoroughly enjoy reading Shakespeare.

34. My favorite play is Much Ado About Nothing.

35. Sometimes I think I should have been born in the 19th century.

36. I love big ball gowns and getting dressed up.

37. Whenever something emotionally straining happens in my life, I change my hairstyle to cope.

38. I like reading deep, in depth books that make you think.

39. I never scream when I get scared.

40. My eyes vary in shades of blue in accordance with my mood. If I've been crying, my eyes are light blue/turquoise.

41. I really love camping.

42. I would rather bicycle for 1 hours than run for 20 minutes.

43. I am actually related to Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula.

44. My biggest fear is getting into trouble.

45. I usually feel guilty about things I do, and constantly worry that I'm being selfish with my decisions.

46. I have never broken a bone, but totally want to try crutches.

47. I always get hit with a ball or otherwise injured whenever I play a sport. Contact or not.

48. I usually wear socks to bed.

49. I love driving a stick shift.

50. I love mowing the lawn.

51. The songs on my playlists are never of the same genre. One rock, one contemporary, one country, one 80's hair band, etc.

52. My CTR ring is molded to the shape of my finger.

53. I can't ride a bicycle on gravel. I suppose I possess the ability, I just had a bad experience and try to avoid it at all costs.

54. I have an extremely good memory.

55. I only read books once.

56. I only watch movies once.

57. I love chivalry, but I don't always feel the need to have everything constantly done for me.

58. I'm not a feminist, but I think women should have equal rights, a voice, and be able to make their own decisions.

59. My closet is color coordinated, then sorted by sleeve length and style.

60. I love getting muddy.

61. I was never attached to a blanket or needed a pacifier when I was little.

62. I've milked a goat and helped birth kids-goat talk for "baby".

63. I've been on the front page of the newspaper.

64. Driven in excess of 100 mph.-Sorry Mom

65. I've hiked to hot springs while my leg was bleeding out.

66. I'm very good at understanding other languages even though I'm not fluent in any other than English.

67. I've shaved my dog like a lion.



68. I've shot a cow-my own-with a paintball gun.

69. I've taped a cats foot pads to see what would happen.

70. I've rocked a baby to sleep.

71. I'm pretty good at woodshop and have carved out and shaped a dolphin and dog.

72. I'm very considerate and thoughtful. (I hope)

73. I am an excellent tipper at restaurants.

74. I have really good hand eye coordination and rhythm, although I am not a very good pianist.

75. I chew the sides of my nails when I get nervous.

76. I don't like wearing hats, mostly because I think I look like a boy-which is not intended.

77. I don't put butter on my toast or french toast.

78. I could live off cereal I love it so much and did for a while in college voluntarily .

79. I won Young Writers 3 times.

80. My middle name is Breyette (bree-yet). I have yet to meet anyone with that name.

81. I love reading poetry, especially when I don't understand it because then I can interpret it to my life and it means so much more.

82. I've been stung my lots of bees at one time, just like the boy in My Girl.

83. I'm very self conscious about my height.

84. Laughed until I cried.

85. I know how to crochet and cross-stitch.

86. Practiced a sport for more than 6 hours straight.

87. I lose sense of reality more often than I should.

88. I've choked down something really gross, so I wouldn't be rude or seem like a high maintenance, picky eater.

89. My toenails (I hate that word by the way) are always painted.

90. I am convinced that I will be my mother.

91. Hidden because I was terrified.

92. I keep a list of thought provoking, inspirational, and meaningful quotes in my phone.

93. I like most songs because I can identify with the lyrics.

94. For my sweet 16, I was at the worst girls camp location, but that was the most memorable year.

95. I never wear watches, and actually don't own one.

96. I love exotic, beautiful jewelry from other countries.

97. The best advice I've ever gotten is: To never cry over someone who isn't willing to cry over you. Courtesy of Lauren Conrad from The Hills.

98. I used to not like my name and asked my mom if I could change it. She said give it time. Now I think I like it.

99. I really enjoy biology topics and classes, but don't do very well in them.

100. It takes me 30-45 minutes to eat one orange. It gives me the willies to eat the skin and stringy things.

101. I like sitting alone in silence.

Is that your brains on the floor, or did I just blow your mind?

Lately, I find myself dragging my feet about blogging. My personal coup against myself if you will. Not that I have nothing to blog about. Believe me, I could go all day. It's just...gloomy weather makes for a gloomy Gwen. I firmly believe that summer is officially over. And has been since the day fair ended. I have already bought myself a new pair-ok 2 pair-of winter slippers. One was 5 dollars and totally old manish-yet uber comfortable, thus uber justifiable. Broke out sweatshirts and pants? Check. Dusted off last seasons winter coat? Double Check. You show me a day that it gets above 85-90 degrees and I'll print this blog out and literally eat my words. Call me a seasonal pessimist...but I am not Falls hugest fan. I love the colors, and I really like to layer stuff-and can't wait to break free and parade my fur lined vest once more-It's just the doom and gloom that seems inevitably forlorn in the forecast for Fall. Summer lovin' is over. Summertime memories no more. No more catchy tunes about summer lovin' or flings-neither of which my summer consisted of. Excited as I am about pending new changes in my super thrilling existence, Fall never ceases to put me in a funk. So to get myself out of this so called funk, I had to bring into play the heavy artillery. My cowboy calendar. It's something about half clothed men-which half I shall leave to your disgression-with a cowboy hat and utility belt that instantly morphs me into a giddy little school-girl and that's just what the Doctor ordered.

"I like whiskers on kittens, big woolen mittens, copper kettles, streudles and noodles, these are a few of my favorite things."-Applesauce Pete

5 of your favorite things

-gym shoes...aww heck all shoes!

-sweaters with kangaroo pockets and hoods. a.k.a. A Hoodie

-Naps

-cheese, bread, whipped cream, and juice-I figured I could lump all the food items into one category

-Imagine me and you. It's true. Lounging around a campfire in a soft hoodie so happy together!

5 things you wanted to be when you grew up

-Lawyer because I heard they made bank. But then ditched it after I heard how much school they had to go through.

-Dental Hygienist-ditched also when I heard how competative it is.

-Stewardess-Just think about it! Travel for work? AWESOME!

-Speech Pathologist-only slightly ditched, still roaming somewhere around the depths of my subconscious between Optomotrist and Professional Baker.

-Writer/Editor-only recently acquired

5 of the best compliments that you have ever received

- some old "Biker for Jesus" dude at the ticket gate to the Rodeo told me I have a beautiful smile. If a compliment comes from a dirty old man, is it still valid?

-People always tell me I have nice legs, or in some cases they say I have such killer legs they want to stab me.

-A few people tell me that I should be a writer. Give me a shout out in comment form about what you think.

- At the rodeo one of my sisters old friends didn't recognize me, he thought I was a cousin. I took that as a compliment. Perhaps it means that I have actually gotten cuter since my afro puff bangs, coke bottle glasses, honkey style days.

- a couple dudes have actually told me I have a really nice butt, brought to my attention only because my siblings do not share my ample genetic gift. I've always thought it as weird to vocalize such compliments, but heck I'll take it and to this day it still makes me feel on top of old smokey.

5 songs that you would pick as your theme songs.

- Back in Black-AC/DC

- Save Room-John Legend

- Ready, Aim, Misfire-New Years Day

- That Girl has Love-Rooney

-Johnny and June-Heidi Newfield

Honorable Mention: Stickshifts and Safetybelts-Cake, Last of Days-A Fine Frenzy, Time is Running Out-Muse

5 people that inspire(d) you.

-My Mom-who supports me whatever lame or ridiculous choices I make.

-6'3" Beach Volleyball player Kerri Walsh and her partner Misty May-Treanor, who have inspired me to "get up offa that thing" and train to be in 2010 Olympics.

-That one surfer girl who got her arm bit off by a shark. She got her biscuit right back onto that surfboard, worked out her balancing with one arm issues and surfed her way into American's hearts.

-Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. He makes my previous jobs seem like a switchboard operator. I salute you with a tip of my squeaky clean cap.

-Myself. Someone once said "The only player better than yourself, is the one you are tomorrow." Thus is life.

5 things I like about county fairs/festivals

-I have a love hate relationship with carnies. I love looking at them and taking pictures of their meticulously sculpted mullets, but hate it when they talk to me.

-two words. Commerical Booth. another two. Free Stuff.

-Petting Zoo. I love seein' me a fresh shaved sheep.

-Elephant Ears

-All the food choices! I love having options! Like do I want a burger? or should I walk 2 feet and get a gyro? Decisions decisions!!!

5 things I take with me when I leave the house

-phone

-keys

-iPod

-purse?

-extra pairs of clothes

5 of my favorite days of the year

-Birthday

-Christmas

-Halloween

-St. Patricks Day

-No Pants Day. It's real. Believe it.

5 genres of music I listen to

-Huge fan of the 80's

-Soft spot in my heart for Oldies.

-Country

-Rock

-Acoustic? If that can even be considered a genre

5 of my favorite places to shop

-Forever 21 for shoes

-American Eagle I suppose

-PacSun

-WinCo Foods

-Target. Enough said right?

I spotted this little gem on a fellow bloggers blog. I resent that! Why do mormons have to be categorized with baby killers and dikes on bikes???? And personally, I don't think sports nuts are THAT bad. Sports Nuts who think you're dumb for not knowing who won the Stanley Cup in 1984? (that'd be the Oilers-with Wayne Gretzky) Now thats a whole new chestnut altogether. Last I checked...tax evaders are more despicable than us mormons, so hows about they get stereotyped instead.

Ask me about my balls!!!

I don't think I need to mention-but am going to anyway-how my blog promise has gone. I blogged a full..2 MAYBE 3 times. But it goes without saying that's just the way I roll. I like to keep people guessing. Before I get on to the subject of today's blog, I want to shout out to the Moses Lake Round-up Rodeo and Demolition Derby. Except the Rodeo part-not yet anyway. Hey oh! This Demo Derby ain't seen nothin yet, and I mean this. Last night I got my grubbies on, and went to help Josh and Emily gut her demo car. After experimenting with the windshield-trying to break it that is. I gave up because I hate loud noises and that's all I was successfully doing. Later on, we tried to get a side window out-but couldn't. So I conducted another experiment. The Window vs. The Hammer. This wasn't a WWF Smackdown. This was complete and utter annihilation!!! That window SHATTERED. For safety reasons I had Josh and Emily back up so they were behind me, you know me Safety McSaferson without safety spectacles. There was glass everywhere. I'm pretty sure that was THE biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had. That and the knowledge that I wasn't gonna get in trouble for shattering a window probably helped the adrenaline high.


I baked a cake for a friends birthday the other day. It was one of those Better Than Sex Cakes-not that I would know if it truly were better. I've had this cake before, but I've never made it myself. Nor do I even know how it is yet, because of scheduling conflicts I have yet to hand over the birthday shenanigan. This brings me to a cupcake place I stumbled upon back in Rexburg. I do believe its called the Cocoa Bean. It was basically a gourmet cupcakery that served sno-cones too. And Gourmet it was.

They had a cupcake version of my sinful-pun intended-cake. It was rich, chocolaty, with caramely fantasies, and toffee dreams. I made it my supreme goal after making this cake, that I would find said recipe for incredible decadence even if it took me to the farthest reaches of the Internet. And along for the ride was my crazed desire for the insanely delectable Red Velvet cupcake recipe they had there. I found recipes that were similar, but none that promised me the joy of my first time. That first succulent bite. Around the time I thought all was lost, I stumbled to this lady's blog. It was something about a Bakerella. I assumed that she was either terrible at baking, super good at baking, or a kitchen slave. Just my luck. She was a Kitchen slave who was super good at baking! I perused her baking successes and thought of my impending baking catastrophes...until I found a recipe. First glance at the picture, and I could have sworn it was my Magic Cookie Ball impostor. My eyes had fashnookered me. Lo and behold this recipe held a secret secret. No cookie? THAT'S MADNESS!!

After further chef worthy ready, I quickly saw that it was a recipe so divine that I would surely have people anywhere short of drooling all over their perma-wrinkled Hollister cargo's. Oh their taste buds will rejoice! Not to mention mine as well. I am definately adding this weapon of mass delight to my extensive recipe arsenal that I will call upon one day to wage some serious war that will help me snag myself a real honey-by being the bomb dessert (aka awesome) that will blow the schnikies out of their minds. This ball looks to be so mouthwateringly tasty, that when it rears it gorgeous head, the heavens truly will open and shower down rainbow colored jimmies and everyone's trouble will melt away like lemon drops. Eat your heart out Judy Garland and watch out World...and friends alike. Say Hello, to my little (new found) friend. The Cake Ball.

The Pack of the Fanny

After some intense blog-perusing looking for a little inspiration for today's rant..ahem I mean blog, I found the perfect topic. Contrary to what you thought by the title of this blog, it is not about bums, rumps, booties, badonks, hindquarters, or posteriors. I am sorry if I misled you in any way, continue on if you are not severely disappointed and/or leave me a comment about it and maybe I will weave an ode to your bum.








But-no pun intended-it is about fanny packs. Ridiculous as the group on ABDC seems-they can do a few things I can't, so I can't knock them, fanny packs are pretty rad. But I would encourage them to only be worn out of mocking-but in mocking you are allowed to fill it with necessities i.e. germ-x, moist towelettes, suckers, jolly ranchers, ring pops, chapstick, phones, ipods, and the like. But if anyone seriously considered it, I'm talking to the monogrammed extent that no one should consider, then it is automatically a fashion faux paux. A fashion DON'T even try! For example, girls camp 2008. Yours truly was in attendance, and in my new found authoritative position, took it upon myself to supply every estrogen producing adolescent with band-aids, suckers, germ-x, chapstick, mosquito bite medicine, Tylenol/Benadryl-which apparently you aren't allowed to dole out, but was SO necessary for myself- as needed. All of which I crammed into my handy dandy hot pink and purple 1980's original fanny pack. Fashionable and quite popular at girls camp I was. Oh yes my friends, Columbia outdoors knew how to make me fashionable on the trail then, and are still crankin out high quality North Face rival mountain survival gear today, but with an updated color palette of course.



I petition to jean/short designers and manufacturers worldwide, that they make men's jeans and shorts just one big pocket. Obviously men can't carry enough in their pockets, thus the dawn of the ever homo-I apologize for the stereotype-man-bag. What's a girl to do when their lover can't fit their keys into his pockets? Stuff them deep into the abyss of her blouse? I think not. It is highly noticeable not to mention extremely uncomfortable, but it does allow you a dirty little secret next time someone asks to see your keys. Dare I say that they have been where no man/key has been before? So next time you are jean shopping men and the ladies both, buy a pair with adequate pocket space enough for all your gadgets and toiletries, or get comfortable with stressing out over matching your new sensible fanny pack or man bag to the rest of your ensemble. Good Luck future don'ts! I bid you lucky shopping!